


Another Day

by ClexaGriffin



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-12-30
Updated: 2017-05-14
Packaged: 2018-09-13 10:02:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 49,845
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9118798
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ClexaGriffin/pseuds/ClexaGriffin
Summary: Lexa is in the army and Clarke just misses her a lot. When will Lexa come back for good?





	1. Chapter 1

Another day. Another day without losing my mind. Sometimes it felt like I did. It really just depended on the day. Like, I feel a little worse around the holidays. Christmas, birthdays, valentine’s day, you name it all.

 

It’s been 334 days. In other words: it’s been almost 11 months since I last saw her. Since I talked to her. Held her tight. Kissed her. I feel kind of pathetic keeping count every time. It’s why I never tell anyone I do. I don’t even know why I do it. It’s not like I know when she’s coming back. Or if she’s coming back at all. No. Nope. Can’t think of that right now. I just told myself I survived another day without losing my mind.

 

I let out such a deep sigh that I could almost hear it echoing in the bedroom. I widened my eyes and rolled over on my left side to see the time. Almost 12 am already. Just like I said, tomorrow was going to be a specifically tough day again.

 

\----

 

‘’Happy birthday doc!’’ Octavia ran towards me the moment I entered my office in the hospital. She hugged me tight and gave me a kiss on my cheek.

 

‘’Oh my god.’’ I laughed a bit. ‘’Why are you here already? It’s like 7 in the morning.’’

 

Octavia laughed. ‘’I, too, was on my way to work you know? But, I wanted to see you before Lincoln and I leave town later.’’

 

Suddenly I remembered again. Octavia’s new boyfriend arranged a small trip for them for a week in Hawaii. Leaving tonight. The guy didn’t even know he planned it on my birthday and I didn’t want Octavia to cancel the trip just so she could be here for my birthday. That would be unnecessary and I would kind of be a party pooper to her. Besides, Octavia hasn’t missed a birthday since I met her in 7th grade.

 

‘’Oh right, I almost forgot. What time are you guys leaving?’’ I asked politely.

 

‘’I’m working half a day ‘cause we have to catch a plane at 6 pm.’’ Octavia gave me a crooked smile. ‘’You sure I don’t have to cancel it? I would be more than h-‘’

 

‘’Of course I’m sure, don’t be stupid. You go have fun and thank you for being here at 7 in the morning.’’ I smiled.

 

Octavia smiled too.

 

‘’All right. Of course.’’ She shook her head in disbelief.

 

‘’Oh! Before I forget. Here is your very first birthday present of the day.’’ Octavia pulled out two envelopes out of her bag.

 

‘’Two? Someone’s feeling generous this year.’’ I joked.

 

Octavia laughed. ‘’First, open this one.’’ She pointed at one of the envelopes.

 

I grinned and did as I was told. ‘’Two free tickets for the sauna? You know me too well.’’ I hugged her shortly.

 

‘’All right, for the next one I gotta go. I got asked to give you this on your birthday from someone. I kept it with me since she gave it to me, before she left last time, hoping I wouldn’t lose it.’’ She gave me a quick wink in between her sentence.

 

I was a little confused, but at the same time I knew exactly who’s envelope it was. Octavia hugged me again.

 

‘’Have a good day, Clarke. I know you don’t like these kind of days but just try to make the best of it. Please don’t hesitate to call me if you need anything.’’

 

‘’Thank you.’’ I could bring out. Before I could say anything else I watched her leave my office. I was standing in the middle of the room with an envelope in my hands. Too afraid to open it. I took my time to sit down behind my desk and open the envelope. I carefully grabbed the letter that was in it and unfolded it. The moment I saw her handwriting, the tears were already in my eyes.

 

 

_My dearest Clarke,_

_In hope Octavia gave you this letter on time and didn’t lose it somewhere I want to wish you a very happy birthday. Twenty five years old, welcome to the club oldy. I hope you’re having the best day with a lot of family and friends around you and lots of presents and not to forget: a lot of cake. Oh, how much I miss cake. But not as much as I miss you. I wish I could be there right now. Celebrating this special day together. I couldn’t really send you a present or anything, but I promise that I’ll make it up to you as soon as I come back. I’m hoping that will be very soon._

_Again: Have a great day today and let yourself be spoiled by others! I’ll see you soon._

_I love you._

_Lexa_

 

I noticed the letter had a few wet spots from my falling tears. I wiped my tears away and noticed I was smiling widely. How come a simple letter like this could make me feel so many emotions all at once?

 

I read the letter a few times more, creating more and more wet spots every time. Suddenly Raven barged in being all happy. But before she could wish me a happy birthday, she noticed the tears in my eyes and her smile immediately disappeared. I stood up and started laughing a little. Her face was priceless. Then she came to hug me.

 

‘’You okay?’’ She asked.

 

I nodded into her neck.

 

‘’Ah, now I get it.’’ She broke our contact after a while. ‘’I see you already read the letter?’’

 

I looked behind me to my desk where Raven must’ve seen the letter laying there. I nodded. ‘’You knew?’’

 

‘’Um, yeah? Of course I knew. Octavia can’t keep a secret even if her life depended on it.’’

 

I started laughing. ‘’I know.’’

 

‘’Well, I wanted to wish you a very happy 25th birthday. You’ll get your present tonight. It’s easier like that.’’

 

‘’Um, tonight?’’ I frowned.

 

‘’You’re throwing a birthday party, right?’’

 

‘’Absolutely not.’’

 

‘’Clarke, come on. I know you don’t have everyone you want right next to you right now, but don’t let it eat you up. You celebrated last year, too without your girlfriend. Whom I’ve never met. But that’s not the point. It’ll be good for you. Having a little fun with friends and family.’’

 

I sighed. I did not feel like throwing a party right now.

 

‘’Yeah well, I’m not gonna throw a party every time it’s my birthday.’’

 

Raven rolled her eyes. ‘’That’s the whole point of birthdays. You get to throw parties and have fun and get presents just by being born.’’ Raven articulated the last part of her sentence a little better.

 

I sighed again. ‘’You can come over after I’m done working, but I’m NOT throwing a party.’’

 

Raven looked me deep into my eyes. ‘’I’ll come over with a few friends.’’ She said quickly and walked away from me so I had no chance of saying anything back to her.

 

 _God._ I mumbled and went to sit on my chair behind my desk again. I just wanted this day to be over already.

 

 

 

After work Raven went home with me. She assured me a few friends of ours were coming later including my mom. It was no use denying it wasn’t meant for a party, but I did it anyway.

 

‘’I’m gonna get myself a glass of wine, all right?’’

 

‘’Suit yourself.’’ I said throwing myself on the couch.

 

A while later Raven came back with two glasses of wine.

 

‘’Woah. Tough day?’’ I said sarcastically, knowing perfectly that second glass was meant for me.

 

‘’Very funny Griffin. Now join me.’’ She said, raising her glass.

 

I sighed and hesitated a while before I noticed I really needed some alcohol.

 

I silently raised my glass too.

 

Raven smiled. ‘’That’s what I’m talking about.’’

 

I’d known Raven for about two years now. She was a mechanic at our hospital and so we met at work. I knew her well enough for her to convince people doing stuff with her happy, gently smile. And yes, it worked on me too.

 

‘’You know when she’s coming back?’’ Raven asked after a moment of silence.

 

I shook my head. ‘’Not a clue. Last time she came back after a year.’’

 

‘’And how long has it been now since she left?’’ Raven asked curiously.

 

‘’I think it’s been about 11 months.’’ 335 days.

 

Raven widened her eyes. ‘’Wow. So maybe she’s gonna come back pretty soon, huh?’’

 

I shrugged. ‘’Maybe.’’ I took a sip of my glass of wine.

 

‘’I don’t know how you do it. A lot of people in your position would’ve broken up or cheated or something. You don’t even talk to her for a whole year.’’

 

I rolled my eyes. ‘’Not true. There are plenty of people like me out there. Besides, I do talk to her sometimes. We send each other letters once a two or three months.’’

 

‘’I know, but that’s not what I mean.’’

 

I smiled a little and nodded.

 

‘’This time when she comes back, I want to meet her. I don’t care if she’s only here for one single day, I want to meet her. It’s almost weird that I haven’t yet.’’

 

I laughed. ‘’Sure, we can arrange that.’’

 

The doorbell rang a few times and Raven immediately stood up to open it. She greeted everyone with her big, happy smile. First my mom, then Lexa’s sister Anya, Octavia’s brother Bellamy, and a few other friends like John Murphy, Jasper, Monty and Monroe.

 

It was a small party, but big enough for me to be thinking about something else than Lexa in the army. I hated to admit Raven was right about this. Or maybe it was just the third glass of wine that made me feel worriless and happy. Either way, I think I should throw a party every single day.

 

\----

 

I slowly opened my eyes and could see the sunlight entering my room. You would’ve called it beautiful, I call it a painful bright light. My eyes were hurting like crazy, but not as bad as my head. Then it hit me. Sunlight. That can’t be right. I looked at the time. 8:06 am. I immediately got out of bed and went to the bathroom, trying not to puke on the way over there. I was so late for work. I washed my face which didn’t fix the problem and walked to the bedroom again. I grabbed my phone to call my boss but he probably already called me a thousand times. I saw he had indeed called me six times in a row. I cursed everything together while I was dialing his number on my phone.

 

‘’ _Clarke where in the name of god are you?’’_

_‘’I am incredibly sorry. I overslept today. I just woke up and I will get there as soon as I can.’’_

_Silence._

_‘’Just hurry.’’_

Right after that he hung up the phone and I felt terrible. I couldn’t go to work with a terrible hangover, but I had no choice. Last time I listened to Raven.

 

After work, around 9 pm I changed into my pajamas and laid in bed. I was still pretty sick from the day before and today. My head was killing me and I hadn’t eaten a bite of anything. Raven was nowhere to find today at work, which made me realize she probably called in sick today.

 

But that wasn’t even the worst part. My boss actually threatened to fire me because ‘I was playing with people’s lives’. I don’t really blame him, but I just can’t lose my job. I would have nothing left.

 

I was so incredibly tired and not feeling well that I fell asleep the moment my ear touched my pillow. Tomorrow another day at work. Just like the rest of the week. Just like every other week.

 

\----

 

358 days. Still no sign of Lexa. I was always so scared that they would call me on my phone, telling me how Lexa didn’t survive out there. That was my biggest fear. But she had been doing this for five years already. I didn’t know about the first two years ‘cause we weren’t together yet so that saved me a lot of stress.

Lexa and I met later in college. I accidentally became her roommate which I wasn’t supposed to be because she requested a room alone for her. So you can imagine how the first few months went for us. I did not like her one bit. It was because she never smiled and never said a word to me except for ‘’Go away’’ or ‘’Get out’’ or ‘’Leave me alone’’. Everyone had so much respect for her because most of them were afraid of her. I was just so annoyed by her. She was the worst roommate a person could ask for. And don’t even ask me how or when I fell for her, because I don’t remember exactly. Somewhere between the both of us breaking up with our partner and me moving away to another university in another city. We were dating for over a year when I was forced by my teachers to follow my heart: becoming an artist. But eventually, that didn’t work out so well. Anyway, the distance between Lexa and I made us grow apart and so we decided it was best to focus on ourselves for a while. We were really just two broke students and we couldn’t afford a trip to the other side of the country to see each other. After our break up, which was terribly hard for the both of us, we started seeing other people. I got together with my first boyfriend Finn again and Lexa started dating her ex Costia again. I hadn’t seen Lexa in years until she showed up in her army clothes in a bar in LA, where I was working at the moment. You know, one thing led to another and we found love in each other again. Promising not to let go of each other ever again. Of course I knew what I was getting into with her being in the army, but I just didn’t care. I just wanted her to be mine again and leave my boyfriend whom I’ve never loved after Lexa and I broke up. I had never really stopped loving her anyway.

 

Suddenly my phone started ringing. Anya. I picked it up.

 

_‘’Hey, what’s up?’’_

_‘’Clarke, please tell me you’re free tonight.’’_

_I sighed._

_‘’Oh god what did you do?’’_

_‘’Nothing. But look. Raven kind of asked me out tonight. I don’t really know it’s a date? But I don’t really want it to be. I think. So I don’t want to go out with her on my own.’’_

_I sighed again and thought about it for a while._

_‘’Well, why don’t you just tell her that you don’t want to?’’_

_Silence._

_‘’Because.’’_

_‘’Because maybe you want to?’’_

_‘’No… I don’t know…’’_

_I started laughing. ‘’The things I do for you. What time?’’_

_‘’Oh my god thank you so much. I’ll be there at your place at 9 if that’s okay. When Raven gets out of work, we’ll meet her at the bar.’’_

_‘’Sure. Shall I invite others too? Maybe they want to come, too.’’_

_‘’I like the way you’re thinking. See you tonight!’’_

She hung up the phone and I started laughing a bit. Those two really just needed to get it on already.

 

I texted a few others and most of them agreed to hang out tonight for a bit, so that was great.

 

Don’t get me wrong, I like hanging out with my friends. But I never really went out like this. It made me miss Lexa even more. The group without her just didn’t feel complete.

 

A little later on my day off I put on a nice and short dress that I hadn’t touched in ages. I was surprised it even fit me. Lexa and I always share our closet. Or well, she’s never here to share anyway. But sometimes I’d like to put on some of her clothes. Not always though, because if I did, they wouldn’t smell like her anymore. They would smell like me. And I loved the way she smelled.

 

I put on some music, because it was always so silent in the house, and started doing my makeup and hair. Just when I was ready the doorbell rang. It was Anya.

 

‘’Wow, you look amazing. How come you don’t wear this more often?’’ Anya told me when she saw me.

 

I chuckled a bit shyly. ‘’Thanks. You don’t look so bad yourself for a non-date.’’

 

‘’Oh stop. It’s not a date.’’

 

I started laughing. ‘’Whatever you want.’’

 

Anya made herself comfortable on the couch with a wine bottle in her hand.

 

‘’Want some?’’

 

‘’Not just yet.’’ I told her.

 

‘’All right then.’’

 

I watched her poor the wine into her glass.

 

‘’So, you haven’t heard from my sister yet?’’ She asked.

 

I shook my head. ‘’Did you?’’

 

‘’No, nothing. But it’s been almost a year, right? She must be coming home pretty soon.’’’

 

I nodded carefully.

 

‘’How are you holding up, Clarke? Last time on your birthday was pretty rough for you.’’

 

I gave her a little smile. ‘’Birthdays, Christmas, family days, excursions. They make it a little harder for me than usual. Just like for you. And like in two days we have this thing at work where you can come with your partner and have a little party with food and booze and stuff like that. But I’ve never been. It just makes me feel more miserable.’’

 

‘’I can imagine… You’re doing that in the hospital?’’

 

‘’No, they always rent a place. And we work in shifts of course. Couldn’t let people be waiting for someone to help them.’’

 

‘’Right.’’

 

Silence.

 

‘’So, what are you gonna do with Christmas since it’s almost coming up?’’ Anya broke the silence.

 

‘’It’s in three months, so I don’t know yet. Maybe I’ll go to my mom this year.’’

 

Anya nodded. ‘’I don’t know why my sister just doesn’t quit the damn army. She’s making us all feel miserable.’’

 

I nodded carefully. ‘’It’s always been her dream to go. We can’t just take that away from her.’’

 

‘’Yes, but it’s been like 5 years. Hasn’t she had enough? Lexa and I were always so close. But now I barely see her anymore.’’

 

‘’I know how you feel.’’

 

‘’Then why are you still with her? I mean, she’s my sister so we’re bonded for life. But you? I don’t mean to offend you, but she’s only making you feel terrible. You can get so much better, Clarke.’’

 

Anya never expressed herself like this to me before. I had no idea she thought of me like this.

 

‘’She’s not making me feel terrible. When she’s here she makes me so happy that all of that time she wasn’t here is already forgotten.’’

 

‘’Now that I call bull. I love her to death, okay? But she’s running away from her responsibilities. She always has. What if she never comes back? You have a house key under your doormat in case she comes back one day for Christ Sake. And you know what some people say. Some people don’t even believe you have a girlfriend who’s in the army ‘cause they have never seen her.’’

 

I didn’t feel like responding to this.

 

‘’You don’t want to settle down and get married and have kids one day?’’ Anya continued.

 

‘’Well, sure but-‘’

 

‘’Then do something about it.’’ Anya was almost angry with me. Maybe because she was missing her, too. We were both just missing her a lot.

 

‘’I know you miss her, too.’’ I reached for her hand and tears started dropping from her eyes. Anya and I had gotten closer lately for this exact reason. We knew what we were going through.

 

‘’She will come back very soon. I know it.’’ My voice was close from breaking.

 

Doorbell. Again. I sighed and let go of her hand. I opened the door and let Octavia, Lincoln, Jasper and Monty in. Octavia took me apart for a second. Probably ‘cause she noticed my teary eyes.

 

‘’You okay?’’ She asked a little worried.

 

‘’Yeah, of course. Just had a small talk with Anya.’’

 

Octavia nodded, frowning and then sat down next to her boyfriend.

 

Anya and I didn’t talk for two hours to each other. It’s not that I was angry or something, not at all. But we just said everything we wanted to say to one another.

 

The evening was actually fun and I was feeling a bit more pumped about this night then a few hours ago. Just when we were talking about heading towards the bar, the front door opened. It immediately caught my attention and everyone went silent the moment we saw who was standing in my living room. Lexa in her army clothes. I froze the moment I saw her and couldn’t get up. We were all in a sort of shock.

 

‘’Cozy in here.’’ Lexa finally said a little smug.

 

‘’Oh my god.’’ I breathed out. I carefully stood up, eyes widened and ran towards her wide smile to only meet her in her arms.

 

‘’Hi beautiful.’’ She whispered into my ear.

 

I held her so tight I could barely breathe myself and then I started sniffling in her neck. I felt her strong arms around me pulling me closer and then she pulled back a little so she could have the chance to kiss me. Oh how much I had missed those lips. We stayed there for a while, not caring about the others watching us. Not noticing Anya was standing behind me, waiting for her turn to greet her. Lexa then noticed let go of me, placing one last kiss on my forehead.

 

‘’Hi there, sis.’’ Lexa said with a huge smile and hugged Anya for a long time, too. I heard Anya crying silently.

 

After comforting Anya, Lexa broke their contact and introduced herself to the others she hadn’t met.

 

I was still standing exactly where she left me a minute ago. Too much in shock to say something.

 

Lexa noticed me still standing and came to me again to hug me. I heard everyone making the sound ‘’aw’’ when she hugged me again. She placed one of her hands behind me head to comfort me and then she pulled away, looking at me in the eyes with her common, beautiful, wide smile.

 

‘’You okay?’’ Lexa asked.

 

I nodded. ‘’I should be asking you that.’’

 

Lexa laughed. ‘’I’m okay.’’

 

Then we turned around and sat down on the couch next to each other. Her arm around my waist. Everyone else was just really silent. It was almost awkward. They were looking at her in disbelief.

 

‘’So, I hope I’m not interrupting anything.’’ Lexa finally said. ‘’Or is this a thing you do every day?’’ She joked.

 

We all smiled.

 

‘’We were just about to go to this bar.’’ Octavia immediately answered. ‘’You must be really tired Lexie, otherwise we would’ve asked you to come with us.’’

 

Lexa smiled and nodded. ‘’It’s all right, I’m not that tired. But I’m also not that energetic to go to the bar right now.’’

 

‘’All right, well, I’m guessing Clarke’s gonna stay right here then.’’ Octavia said.

 

I laughed. ‘’Wow, how’d you guess?’’ I said sarcastically.

 

They all laughed.

 

Lexa turned to me. ‘’If you still wanna go, then go. I won’t stop you.’’ She said in her most soft tone ever. ‘’You didn’t dress up so beautifully tonight for nothing.’’ She gave me a big smile.

 

I looked at her and it made me want to kiss her so bad, but I didn’t just yet.

 

‘’No, are you kidding? I’m staying home for tonight.’’

 

The rest nodded and stood up, walking towards the door. They all hugged me goodbye and Anya promised she would come by tomorrow.

 

I closed the door with Lexa standing behind me, waving them goodbye. I turned around and met her in her arms again. I never got used to the feeling of coming home like this. I put my arms around her waist and started kissing her. I could feel her smiling through the kiss which made me smile, too.

 

‘’Why didn’t you tell me you were coming?’’ I asked her in between kisses.

 

Lexa pulled away a little, still holding me. ‘’I wanted to, but I have no cellphone as you know and I didn’t have any money to call you from the airport. I’m sorry.’’ She looked a bit sad.

 

‘’That’s okay. I’m already happy that you’re here.’’ How could anyone say something bad about Lexa? She was too sweet. I smiled and started kissing her again.

 

‘’God you look beautiful.’’ She whispered while kissing me and that made me kiss her harder and more until she pulled away a little.

 

Our foreheads were touching and we were both breathing heavily.

 

‘’I’ve missed you and I want to make love to you so bad, but I’m truly exhausted.’’ She whispered again.

 

I nodded. It’s not that I was disappointed. Just a little bit. I had been waiting for almost a year for her. But I was mostly worried, really.

 

‘’When’s the last time you slept?’’ I asked.

 

‘’Right now in the plane for about one hour. Before that? About three days ago.’’

 

I could tell I had a worried look on my face.

 

‘’Let’s go to bed then.’’ I proposed.

 

Lexa nodded, still our foreheads touching one another.

 

I grabbed her hand and pulled her with me upstairs. We both changed into our pajamas and laid down. Lexa laid down on the spot I was always sleeping on which made me smile.

 

She pulled me in closer to her. So close to her chest that I could hear her heartbeat. I held her tight and closed my eyes. First time this year I didn’t have to worry about her being shot, because she was now where she belonged. Right next to me.

 

                                                                                                                                             

  

 

 

 

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

I woke up by the terrible sound of my alarm. I turned it off after a while and kept my eyes closed for a bit. I let out a deep sigh when I felt a real warm hand moving from my stomach to my cheek. Lexa. I smiled lazily and received a few wet kisses in my neck, my cheek and before I knew it she was just laying on top of me, strangling me, her head resting in my neck. 

 

‘’How’d you sleep?’’ I asked tiredly.

 

‘’Better than ever.’’ She mumbled. ‘’You're free today, right?"

 

I bit my lip and smiled. I had missed this.

 

"I wish."

 

Lexa made an annoyed sound and lifted her head up before pressing her lips against mine. 

 

After a moment I had to stop her because I didn't want to run late again. It's not like I wanted to get fired. 

 

"I have to go." I said caressing her hair. 

 

Lexa shook her head. "No, don't go." She whined.

 

I rolled my eyes and grinned a little. I kissed her lips once again and pushed her gently off of me. 

 

"I just don't want to be late." 

 

Lexa smiled and nodded. ‘’I know.’’

 

I watched Lexa lay on her side, her beautiful long hair loose for once. She always had it tied up. ‘’I was hoping we could spend some time together later. Hopefully I’m getting off early today.’’

 

Lexa nodded again. ‘’I hope so, too.’’

 

I smiled. ‘’Hey, I don’t even know how long you’re staying this time.’’ I said.

 

Lexa looked into my eyes and had a serious look on her face.

 

‘’How much?’’ I asked again and prepared myself for a disappointing answer.

 

‘’Five days.’’ Lexa said without looking away.

 

I closed my eyes and let out a deep sigh. ‘’They give you less and less days each time you come back.’’

 

‘’I know. It sucks.’’

 

I nodded in agreement.

 

I waited a moment before standing up and then I started undressing myself. Changing into my work clothes. I wasn’t really used of Lexa being here, staring at me while I was getting dressed. But it was definitely something I could get used to pretty easily.

 

‘’You’ve seen me before, you know?’’ I smiled while sitting down on the bed.

 

‘’Yes.’’

 

I started laughing.

 

‘’Then don’t stare at me like that.’’

 

Lexa was smiling too now. ‘’I’m just- It’s like you become more beautiful every time I see you. You’re like wine. The older, the better.’’

 

I laughed again. ‘’Wine just tastes better. It doesn’t look better with age.’’ I raised an eyebrow.

 

‘’All right, I guess I’ll have to find out if that works for you, too.’’ She smiled.

 

I laughed and rolled my eyes.

 

‘’Hey, speaking of aging. Did you get my birthday card?’’

 

I nodded. ‘’I did. It’s all wet now ‘cause of my tears.’’

 

‘’You cried?’’

 

I nodded. ‘’Just a little bit. But, thank you. I really needed some sign of you to get through that day.’’ I scoffed.

 

Lexa smiled and then I leaned in for a kiss. I couldn’t describe in words how great it felt having her waking up next to me in the morning, giving me morning kisses, staring at me like she’s never seen me naked before. I just wish we could always be like that.

 

I broke the kiss again and stood up. Leaving Lexa a little disappointed. Leaving myself a little disappointed, too. I walked downstairs to grab me some food and saw Lexa following me downstairs.

 

‘’I’m sorry, I should really hurry. I’ll call you later.’’

 

‘’That’s okay.’’ I heard her say.

 

I rushed to the kitchen and grabbed me some fruits and a waffle from the day before. When I walked to the door, I saw Lexa standing there with my coat in her hands which made me laugh.

 

‘’Thank you, miss.’’ I said while she put on my coat.

 

‘’You’re very welcome, m’lady.’’

 

I snorted and kissed Lexa a little bit too long goodbye before driving off to work. Finally a day I would look forward to coming home to.

 

\----

 

_‘’Hi, I’m Clarke.’’ I stretched out my hand to greet her but she refused. What a jerk. Instead she looked at me in disgust from head to toe._

_I pulled my hand back. ‘’So, I’m guessing we’re roommates from now on.’’_

_‘’No.’’ She said._

_‘’This is room 40 B, right?’’_

_The girl sighed and walked away from me. ‘’I didn’t ask for a roommate.’’_

_‘’Well, I guess you’re stuck with me anyway.’’_

_She sighed again. ‘’Just get out. Ask for a transposition.’’_

_‘’No. You can’t just throw me out of my own room.’’_

_The girl walked towards me, not looking away from my eyes. I looked back at her light green eyes. She was standing way too close to me right now. I could even see the tiny birthmark on her upper lip._

_‘’Personal space?’’ I asked, but she didn’t say anything back at all. She thought she was above everyone else here, huh._

_I cleared my throat. ‘’Look, this was the very last room available on campus and I really need it. So whether you like it or not, I’m staying.’’ I walked to the other empty bed and threw my stuff on it._

_The girl was still not looking away from me and just remained silent for a moment._

_‘’I’m gonna make your time here on campus a living hell.’’ She said after a while._

_I rolled my eyes. I wasn’t afraid of her. She didn’t scare me. I just wanted to focus on my studies and Finn. That’s all I cared about right now._

_‘’And what’s the name of this person who’s gonna make my time here a living hell? I want to be able to enlighten everyone about it.’’ I said a little smug._

_She took her time to silently lay down in her own bed. She closed her eyes and put her hands behind her head, legs crossed, when she finally answered me._

_‘’Lexa.’’_

_\----_

I finished a little later than expected at work and called Lexa when I got off to let her know I was coming. I let out a deep sigh. 8:15 pm already. At least tomorrow I worked half a day. Tomorrow... I remembered why suddenly.   
  
Exhausted I unlocked the front door and the moment I came in, I couldn't see a thing. Everything was dark except for the few candles on the dinner table. I turned on the lights and Lexa was nowhere to find. I slowly moved around the house and finally stood still at the dinner table, looking at the candles and food and wine.  
  
Suddenly I felt two familiar arms around me and a chin resting on my shoulder. I smiled even though she scared me a little coming out of nowhere like that.  
  
"You're no fun. Turning the lights on. I was trying to be romantic."   
  
I laughed and held her arms that were wrapping me around my waist.   
  
"I'd like to see what's on my plate."  
  
"What, you don't trust me with your food?"  
  
"You have a reputation." I smiled.  
  
I turned around to face her and I could now see she was smiling wide. I gave her a quick peck on her lips.  
  
"You look nice." I saw she was wearing one of the black blouses she had and her hair was down again. It was still a little wet from showering probably. I ironed the collar of her blouse decently with my fingers.  
  
"So do you. I would want you as my doctor." Lexa smiled.  
  
I just rolled my eyes. Fine, and I smiled a little. "Anyway, what is this?" I pointed at the table.  
  
‘’Dinner.’’

  
I started laughing. "Lucky me. Is it eatable?" I joked.

  
Lexa smiled and rolled her eyes. "No, I'm trying to poison you. Now let’s eat ‘cause I’m starving.’’ 

 

Laughing I sat down while Lexa shoved on my chair and then sat down herself.

 

She started to dish up some pasta she made. 

 

"It looks good, babe, but you didn’t have to wait for me to get home."

 

Lexa raised her eyebrows and locked our eyes for a while. Every time we locked eyes, I remembered why I fell in love with her.

 

‘’It’s no trouble. So, how was your day?"

 

"Fine. A lot of injured people. Oh and before I forget, we have this thing at a place near my work tomorrow in the evening. It's like a small party with food and colleagues and all and you get to bring your partner with you and usually I don't go, but since you're here now I-"

 

"Sure, I'll go with you." Lexa interrupted me and smiled genuinely.

 

I smiled back and continued eating. "Great. But you must know not everyone thinks you exist." That came out a lot quicker than I thought.

 

"What do you mean?"

 

"I mean that not everybody believes that you're real. They think I made you up."

 

I saw Lexa's expression change immediately. 

 

"I wouldn't take it too personally. Just wanted you to know." 

 

"Why would you make this up?"

 

"Don't take it too personally. Just, forget about it."

 

Lexa sighed and I tried changing the conversation.

 

"So how was your day?" 

 

Lexa sighed again. "Fine I guess."

 

I immediately regretted my decision of telling her.

 

"What did you do today?" I tried again.

 

"Not much."

 

"Lexa. Don't let this ruin your mood."

 

Lexa sighed again and rubbed her eyes with two fingers.

 

"You're right. I'm only here for a few days so let's enjoy it."

 

I smiled a little sadly. "That's it. So, did Anya come by today?"

 

"Yeah, we spend almost the whole day together. To be honest, She helped me with dinner so credits to her." 

 

"Right, I'll tell her thanks, too."

 

Lexa nodded. ‘’She told me about your friend. Your colleague.’’

 

‘’Raven.’’ We both said at the same time and started laughing.

 

‘’So, what is she like?’’ She asked carefully.

 

‘’Raven? She is great.’’

 

Silence.

 

‘’Well, you got to give me more than that. Come on, is she good for my sister?’’

 

I started laughing. ‘’Yeah, she is. I wouldn’t worry so much if I were you. You’ll see her tomorrow.’’

 

‘’Oh right, the party.’’

 

I nodded.

 

‘’Don’t be too hard on her. She’s a good friend.’’

 

Lexa nodded and smiled a little evil.

 

‘’I’m never hard on anyone.’’

 

‘’Right. Especially not your roommates.’’

 

Lexa laughed in disbelief. ‘’Oh my god, are we still doing this? It’s not like it was my fault they put us together.’’

 

I laughed. ‘’You know, one can forgive, but never forget.’’ I said in a funny voice. ‘’Like, on the asshole scale from 1 to 10 you were being an 11.’’

 

She laughed again. ‘’Yes, but it worked. I mean, look at us now. I must’ve done something right. Or you’re just attracted to coldhearted assholes.’’

 

‘’Probably the last part.’’ I joked. Lexa was everything but a coldhearted asshole. Not even back then when I first met her. She just had a lot of layers and masks to hide her from herself and from others I guess. A toughie from the outside, but a sweet noodle from the inside.

 

I continued eating and thought about how happy I was with her being with me in the same room. It felt like I had to tell her so many things from last year. And she would just listen to me without complaining.  She would be herself. She was always herself. She hadn’t changed a bit.

 

My thoughts made me try to hide my big smile behind my fork. But I failed hiding it and Lexa noticed that.

 

‘’I miss this.’’ Lexa suddenly said. ‘’I miss you.’’ She locked our eyes.

 

I think my heart just melted a little. I grabbed her hand and started caressing it. ‘’You have no idea. I wish you would always be here.’’

 

"Me too. I wanted to talk to you about that actually.’’ She took a deep breath before continuing. ‘’A few months ago I told my boss I wanted to quit the army."

 

My eyes widened a bit out of shock. "You did? Why? What did he say?"

 

"She. She said that it was not in the cards for me right now. Apparently it's impossible to leave the army just like that."

 

I felt my heart skip a beat and sighed deeply. 

 

"So now what?"

 

Lexa sighed too. "Well, when I first started, I signed a contract for 7 years. Which means I have two years left to go."

 

God. How was I supposed to survive for two more years?

 

I let out a deep sigh. "That sucks."

 

"It does.’’

 

I nodded. ‘’We’ll figure it out.’’

 

Lexa gave me a sad smile. Then a silence filled the room.

 

I saw Lexa staring at me. Smiling a little.

 

‘’What?’’ I broke the silence after a while.

 

‘’Nothing. I’m just looking at you. Enjoying this moment with you.’’

 

‘’Oh, you want to get laid so bad, don’t you.’’ I joked.

 

Lexa started laughing, too. ‘’I mean, it’s been a year.’’ Her tone was jokingly as well.

 

‘’I’m aware.’’

 

‘’Then what are we waiting for?’’

 

‘’Wow, you’re so romantic.’’ I laughed.

 

‘’Well, you were the one who turned on the lights, so…’’

 

I smiled and stood up. Still holding Lexa’s hand. I moved away the table a little bit so I could climb onto Lexa’s lap. Facing her. I put my hands around her neck and then we just smiled dumbly at each other.

 

‘’It’s been a while. Maybe I’ll do something wrong.’’ I said carefully. It definitely had been a while. But so had been the year before.

 

‘’Well, what a coincidence. It’s been a while for me, too. Let’s do stuff wrong together then.’’

 

I burst out into laughter. ‘’You are absolutely terrible.’’ I couldn’t hold myself back anymore so I pressed my lips against hers. First a soft little kiss. I still felt her smile through the kiss a little. Then I went in for a deeper kiss, more passionate. Just the way I wanted it to be this morning, only now I didn’t have to push her off of me. I was pulling her closer to me. Before I knew it Lexa’s hands were all over me, pulling off my shirt as fast as she could.

 

She lift me up and walked upstairs while I unbuttoned her blouse. She pushed me gently against the bedroom wall and took her time to kiss my neck while she undressed me further, leaving me in my underwear.

 

Before she made another move, I started unbuttoning her jeans and pulled them off, just like I did with her blouse, leaving her in her underwear too.

 

She took a tiny step back, just enough to not being able to reach her lips. She looked at me from head to toe, both breathing heavily and I could see the hunger in her eyes, just like she could see mine.

 

I took a good look at her when I noticed a dark spot on her stomach and her leg. I could even see it in the darkness. I carefully reached for it and caressed the biggest one on her stomach.

 

‘’What did you do?’’ I asked worried.

 

Lexa let out a little laugh. ‘’It’s nothing. Just a small bruise.’’

 

‘’Small?’’

 

‘’Yes. Really, it’s nothing.’’

 

‘’How’d you do it?’’ I was still caressing the bruise.

 

‘’I don’t remember exactly. I got into a fight with a soldier from our enemy.’’

 

I frowned a little and then just hugged her. I never wanted to know what she had done in the army. If she killed people or not. Fought with them or not.

 

She put her arms around me and kissed the top of my head.         

 

‘’Does it hurt?’’ I asked.

 

I could feel Lexa shake her head. ‘’Don’t worry.’’

 

I took a small step back and then she gently grabbed my hands and pulled me closer to her. She walked backwards to the bed and sat down. I sat down on her lap again, facing her dark green eyes. It felt like the first time again.

 

Lexa then reached for my bra and undid it. She pulled it off of me and her eyes widened. It was like she’d never seen them before.

 

‘’You’re so damn beautiful.’’ She whispered.

 

I chuckled, grabbed her hands to reach my breasts and started kissing her again. I reached for her bra as well and undid it, followed by her boxer shorts. She then pushed me into bed and topped me, kissing my neck, my breasts, my stomach until she reached my panties and pulled them off of me.

 

When I revealed the wet sight she looked more hungry than ever. And I just really needed her. But then she didn’t even touch it. She came to meet my lips again. I put my arms around her back and gently caressed it. I could always feel her scars and scratches there, but I tried not to think about that.

 

After a while she broke the kiss and our foreheads were only touching.

 

‘’Clarke?’’ She breathed out.

 

‘’Hm, yeah?’’ I breathed out, too.

 

‘’I love you. I want you to know that.’’

 

I started smiling like an idiot and pressed my lips against hers again.

 

‘’I love you, too.’’ I said in between kisses.

 

Then she did exactly the same thing as she did a minute ago. Kissing every spot on my body until she reached below my navel.

 

She kissed my groin to tease me just a bit more before she finally got her mouth where I needed it to be.

 

It made me gasp as she continued what she was doing. She then reached for my legs and widened them to give herself more space.

 

I was so ashamed to tell her, but I was close already. Don’t judge. It’s just been a while.

 

The moment I felt her finger linger above my entrance, I could barely hold it anymore. She very slowly pushed two long fingers inside and that was enough for me to climax. Before I could warn her, I was already screaming and breathing out heavily and she kept her fingers inside so I could ride it out.

 

When I was done she pulled them out and I could hear her laughing. She climbed on top of me again and rested her head on my chest after giving me a kiss on the lips.

 

I wanted to defend myself from her laughing at me, but I was still recovering and breathing heavily.

 

‘’Well, was I that good? Or was it the year between that made you do that so fast?’’

 

I smiled, still breathing heavily.

 

‘’Obviously the second one.’’ I breathed out jokingly.

 

Lexa laughed again and kissed my chest.

 

‘’I’m sorry. It was just a little too much for me.’’

 

‘’It’s okay.’’ She continued laughing a little. ‘’Don’t be sorry for that.’’

 

‘’When I recover.’’ I breathed out. ‘’I’m gonna do that to you, too.’’ I smiled.

 

 

\----

 

 

_‘’Lexa, let me in!’’ I pounded on our door room._

_‘’Clarke, leave my girlfriend and me alone.’’_

_‘’What? No, this is my room, too. It’s almost 1 am, just let me in.’’_

_‘’Why don’t you just use your key?’’_

_What a complete dickhead. I couldn’t do this right now. I literally just had to break up with Finn and I was just so tired that I started crying a little. Shit. I wiped my tears away._

_‘’I told you I’ve lost them, okay.’’ My voice was a little shaky._

_‘’Then go to your boyfriend or your friends. Have a sleep over.’’_

_I sat down on the floor, my back against the door. I remained silent because I was not in the mood to fight with her again._

_I heard the two girls having a discussion for a moment. After a while the door opened, which I did not expect and so I fell backwards into the room. I immediately stood up and went straight to my bed with my teary eyes._

_I saw Lexa’s girlfriend kiss her goodbye. She was really pretty, but as much as an asshole as Lexa._

_Lexa closed the door and laid down in bed after turning off the lights._

_‘’Well, thanks for ruining the chance for me of getting laid tonight.’’ I heard her say._

_Honestly, I was really not in the mood and so I silently turned around._

_Lexa let out a deep sigh. ‘’You’re not mad, are you?’’_

_‘’Just leave me alone.’’_

_Then I heard her get out of bed and turn on the lights._

_‘’What is your problem?’’ Lexa asked._

_I turned around to face her and she could definitely see I was crying._

_‘’My problem is you. I’m not in the mood for your comments right now.’’_

_‘’Oh my god, are you crying.’’_

_‘’Not ‘cause of you, so don’t worry.’’_

_‘’Then why?’’_

_I hesitated before telling her. I never told her anything about my private life like that._

_‘’Finn.’’_

_‘’Your boyfriend?’’_

_I nodded. ‘’He cheated on me. So I broke up with him.’’_

_Lexa frowned. ‘’Just now?’’_

_I nodded again._

_‘’Damn, that sucks.’’_

_We remained silent for a while._

_‘’You’ll find someone better, you know? Screw him.’’ She said and stood up to turn off the lights again. She laid down in bed and let out a deep sigh._

_‘’Did you just say something nice to me?’’ I was kind of shocked._

_‘’Yes, let’s not make that a habit.’’_

_Ah, there was the Lexa I knew again. I laughed because I honestly didn’t know what else to do._

_‘’Night, weirdo.’’_

_‘’Goodnight, Lexa.’’_

\----

 

 

After last night, I surely didn’t want to leave the bed for work. But then again, didn’t want to get fired.

 

Lexa and I hadn’t slept much, because of having a little too much fun, you know.

 

‘’Morning sunshine.’’ She said when I got out of bed.

 

‘’Morning. You slept well?’’ I asked with a smile.

 

‘’I mean, the little time that I slept, yes. I did. You?’’

 

I laughed. ‘’Me too.’’

 

I climbed in bed on top of her and went to give her a kiss. ‘’Last night was amazing.’’ I whispered in her ear.

 

Lexa hummed. ‘’Hm, which one? The first time? Or the tenth time?’’ She smiled.

 

I rolled my eyes and gave her a kiss before getting up again. ‘’You’re so full of yourself.’’

 

Just like yesterday I drove off to my work after kissing Lexa a little too long goodbye again.

 

Work itself was exhausting really. I obviously hadn’t slept much and I was busy running around from patient to patient all day. Luckily I was working half a day, ‘cause of the party later at work. Raven was way too excited to finally meet Lexa, and she was taking Anya as her date. A little weird? Maybe.

 

When I got home in the afternoon, Lexa and I got both dressed up. I put on some high waisted jeans with a striped blouse. Lexa was wearing one of her black blouses again and some boyfriend jeans. Her hair tied up.

 

‘’You look beautiful.’’ Lexa said while putting on her coat.

 

I smiled. ‘’So do you.’’

 

Lexa smiled a little embarrassed which was adorable.

 

‘’Are you excited?’’ I asked.

 

‘’Yes.’’

 

‘’Ready to meet Raven?’’

 

‘’Yes.’’

 

‘’You promise you’re going to be easy on her?’’’

 

‘’Yes. Maybe.’’

 

‘’No. That’s a yes.’’ I corrected her.

 

Lexa gave me a big smile.

 

‘’We’ll see.’’

 

When we got at the building, it seemed like everybody was already there. Including Raven and Anya. They immediately came to us the moment they saw us enter. Raven hugged me first, followed by Anya. Lexa had her hands in her pocket until Raven turned to her.

 

‘’We finally get to meet. I’m Raven Reyes. I’ve heard a lot about you.’’ Raven said with her always so wide smile.

 

‘’I’ve heard a lot about you, too. I’m Lexa Woods.’’

 

‘’Yeah… I’m gonna call you Woods.’’ She said.

 

Before Lexa knew it Raven gave her a short hug. I could see it caught Lexa a little bit by surprise which made me laugh a little.

 

Then Anya went in for a hug.

 

‘’Good to see you here, sis.’’ She said to Lexa.

 

Lexa nodded and smiled.

 

‘’Hey, we’re over there with some other colleagues so let’s go.’’ Raven pointed at a table a little further away from us.

 

‘’I was actually on my way to get some drinks before I saw you, but I could use some help with that. And since Woods over here looks like she could tilt many drinks at once, she’s coming with me.’’

 

Lexa bit her lip and smiled. _God that was sexy._

‘’Sure, I’ll help.’’ Lexa turned to me. ‘’What can I get you?’’

 

‘’Just a coke.’’ I gave her a grin.

 

‘’Allright, we’ll see you there.’’

 

I nodded and walked to the table with Anya.

 

‘’What is Raven doing?’’ I asked Anya after I greeted the seven other colleagues at the table.

 

‘’I don’t know. This is so embarrassing.’’

 

I chuckled. ‘’I already told your sister to behave around her, so I don’t think you should worry.’’

 

‘’Wait. Are we talking about the same sister here? Because if so, I think I should definitely worry.’’ She smiled a little.

 

Before I could say anything else I got interrupted by one of my colleagues, Niylah.

 

‘’So Clarke, I heard we’re finally gonna meet your girlfriend.’’

 

I smiled. ‘’Yeah, news goes fast around here.’’

 

‘’Oh, it’s only the biggest news of the evening.’’ She said playful, but I didn’t like what she said. Especially not after I saw everyone around the table nodding in agreement.

 

She stood up and sat down on the chair beside me which I was saving for Lexa, but okay.

 

‘’You’ve been together for quite a while, right?’’

 

‘’I mean, we’ve been together for almost five years, but we broke up for a long time after a year and a bit. So, it’s not really been five years.’’ I swallowed loudly out of nerves. This conversation was making me nervous. I didn’t feel like surrounding myself with people who never believed me.

 

‘’Well, you’re doing pretty well. I mean, you’re still together.’’

 

I nodded.

 

‘’You never miss her so much that you just have to screw someone else until she comes back?’’ She asked carefully with a little laugh like it was a joke. I was positive she meant it.

 

I raised my eyebrows. ‘’No.’’

 

Anya was listening too and I could see you rolled her eyes.

 

Just when Niylah wanted to continue with her little interview, Lexa and Raven showed up with our drinks. Then Lexa left everyone speechless by just showing up and introducing herself to everyone. I could tell because everyone stopped talking and was looking at her.

 

Niylah even stood up to greet her. ‘’Oh my, you’re real. Pleasure to meet you, soldier.’’

 

‘’Pleasure’s all mine, ma’am.’’

 

‘’What a charmer. Call me Niylah.’’

 

Lexa smiled and nodded once. ‘’Lexa.’’

 

I didn’t know what to think of Niylah sometimes. She was always looking for drama, that’s for sure.

 

Lexa found a free chair next to Raven on the other side of the table and I could see they were actually hitting it off. Niylah lost interest in me I guess and started talking to Anya instead. But since I was in the middle of the two, I was automatically involved in their conversation as well. We were all having a pretty good time with each other. The music was nice, the food was good and I was with people I loved. I looked up and saw everyone listening closely to Lexa and talking to her when they got the chance. It was almost like she was a celebrity or something.

 

‘’So, for how long have you been dating Raven?’’ I heard Niylah ask.

 

I saw Anya started blushing a little bit and laughed shyly.

 

‘’It’s a funny story, but, you know. We’re not really dating. Just good friends. Girl friends. Gal pals.’’

 

I tried my best to not burst into laughter.

 

‘’Yes, Lexa and I are gal pals, too.’’ I joked.

 

I saw Niylah got confused a little by both of our answers so I tried changing the conversation.

 

‘’So, are you seeing anyone, Niylah?’’

 

‘’Oh god no. I don’t want relationship drama. Just no strings attached.’’

 

I tried nodding in comprehension.

 

Then I saw Lexa make a move with her hands to Anya. I understood she asked her if she wanted to switch places. Anya immediately stood up to do so and I had Lexa next to me in less than 5 seconds.

 

‘’Hey.’’ She smiled and laid her hand on my leg for 2 seconds.

 

‘’Hi. How many autographs did you hand out?’’

 

Lexa laughed. ‘’Don’t forget the pictures.’’ She joked.

 

Niylah interrupted us with her loud voice.

 

‘’I was just telling Clarke how much I respect the way she’s handling the situation. Always being here by herself, waiting for you to come back one day.’’

 

No she wasn’t.

 

I saw Lexa lick her lips before answering.

 

‘’Yes. I respect her, too.’’

 

I was lucky Lexa always knew what to say without causing drama.

 

‘’And when are you going back?’’

 

‘’In three days.’’

 

‘’Oh, but, you just got here. No wonder we never get to see you.’’

 

Lexa laughed a little but I wasn’t sure if she was faking it or not.

 

‘’Well, now you know.’’

 

Niylah smiled extra excessively.

 

Then Lexa turned back to me again.

 

‘’Can I get you another drink?’’ She softly touched my leg again.

 

‘’Yeah, actually. I’ll have a glass of wine.’’

 

Lexa smiled and nodded.

 

‘’Can I get you anything to drink?’’ She asked Niylah.

 

‘’Sure, bring me a beer.’’

 

‘’All right, I’ll be right back.’’

 

We both watched Lexa leave.

 

‘’You did good. After five years she still looks at you like it’s the first time she sees you. If she was single, I would know what to do.’’ She laughed.

 

_Excuse me?_

 

‘’Except she’s not single.’’ I pointed out.

 

‘’Oh, relax. I’m more into blondes.’’ She looked into my eyes and then at my lips for a long time.

 

Unbelievable. I was this close of slapping her.

 

Then Lexa came back with our drinks and sat next to me again.

 

She must’ve noticed the annoyed look on my face.

 

‘’You okay?’’ She asked me a little worried.

 

I nodded. ‘’Yeah.’’

 

I saw Niylah staring at us.

 

‘’So you just don’t have sex for a year?’’

 

Lexa almost spilled her drink. It caught us by surprise and Lexa and I both didn’t really know what to say.

 

‘’Do you always ask such private questions?’’ Lexa tried to answer lightly.

 

‘’That is what I’m known for, so yes.’’ She laughed a little childish.

 

We all remained silent to avoid the question, but Niylah wasn’t done yet.

 

‘’You know, no answer is also an answer. I’m just wondering: how do you do it?’’

 

I cleared my throat and took a sip of my wine. I needed more than that if I was gonna be stuck with Niylah for the rest of the night.

 

‘’So, you’re never afraid that Clarke for example will cheat on you?’’ She continued.

 

Before I could say something, Lexa already answered for me.

 

‘’I trust her.’’

 

Niylah scoffed.

 

‘’I wouldn’t even trust me if I was in Clarke’s position.’’ She laughed.

 

Lexa took a sip of her beer and rolled her eyes slightly so nobody but me could notice.

 

Lexa and I turned to Raven and Anya who were just flirting like crazy with each other. Then Lexa looked away.

 

‘’I’m not used to seeing Anya like that.’’ She said.

 

‘’Is that a good thing?’’ I frowned a little.

 

‘’Oh yeah, they’re totally gonna bang later.’’ Niylah said.

 

Lexa and I simultaneously turned to Niylah and raised our eyebrows.

 

‘’I don’t want to talk about that.’’ Lexa said.

 

‘’Why? You guys are no fun…’’

 

‘’Well, it’s my sister you’re talking about.’’

 

‘’Raven?’’ Niylah widened her eyes.

 

‘’Anya.’’

 

‘’Oh. You don’t look alike.’’ Was all she said.

 

‘’We’re from different fathers. Mine passed away before I turned one year old.’’ Lexa told her.

 

‘’Well, that explains a lot. So you all lived under one roof with your mom and stepdad?’’

 

‘’No. My mom died when I was ten years old. Anya was eight. My stepdad was a dick and didn’t want anything to do with us after my mom died. We got raised by my aunt, Indra.’’

 

Niylah widened her eyes again. ‘’That’s… unfortunate.’’ She took a big sip of her beer.

 

I didn’t understand why Lexa could talk so easily about this. I already had tears in my eyes when I even thought about my dad who passed away in a car accident a few years ago.

 

Suddenly Anya and Raven were standing right next to us.

 

‘’We’re gonna go. It’s been fun enough.’’ Raven said.

 

I turned to Lexa and just like she could read my mind, she gave me a nod.

 

I turned to the others. ‘’Yeah, we are, too.’’

 

‘’Already? Ugh, fine.’’ Niylah complained.

 

We all said goodbye to everyone and some of them even shook Lexa’s hand and thanked her for what she was doing for our country.

 

The four of us walked outside. Lexa held my hand until we reached our car.

 

We said goodbye to Raven and Anya who were going to crash at Raven’s place for a bit.

 

‘’I can’t believe they’re not dating yet.’’ I said.

 

‘’I guess.’’ Lexa let out a sigh. ‘’1 am already.’’ She yawned while she put on her seatbelt.

 

That made me yawn, too.

 

‘’I know. You had fun tonight?’’

 

‘’Yes. I did. You?’’

 

‘’Me too. Until Niylah had to ruin it.’’

 

Lexa scoffed. ‘’She definitely is something.’’

 

‘’She’s looking for drama is what she is.’’

 

‘’Then don’t give her the attention she wants.’’

 

‘’You’re right. That’s exactly what she wants.’’ I nodded.

 

Lexa grabbed my right hand that was on the steering wheel and brought it to her lips and kissed it. She held onto it until we got home and it made me smile the entire way back. At home we put on our pajamas and got into bed. Lexa moved in closer to me to spoon me and gave me a kiss on my shoulder.

 

‘’Thank you for coming with me tonight.’’ I said.

 

‘’Of course.’’

 

‘’What did you think of Raven?’’

 

Silence.

 

‘’I’m not sure.’’

 

‘’Oh, come on. I saw you two hitting it off immediately.’’

 

Lexa started laughing.

 

‘’All right, fine. I like her. She seems pretty all right.’’

 

I laughed, too. ‘’She is.’’

 

‘’I just can’t stop thinking about them in Raven’s apartment right now.’’

 

‘’Lexa, they’re mature enough to decide what they’re doing.’’

 

‘’Yes, but she’s still my little sister.’’

 

I smiled and grabbed her hand on my waist to pull I close to my chest.

 

‘’She’ll be fine.’’ I said and closed my eyes.

 

 ‘’I know.’’ Lexa yawned again. ''I'm sorry, I'm exhausted. Goodnight.’’

 

I chuckled. ‘’Goodnight, babe.’’

 

 


	3. Chapter 3

The last days had been so amazing with Lexa. We couldn’t take our hands off each other and I felt like a teenager again. Yesterday we went out for dinner. She gave me a little present, because she still owed me from my birthday, which was really sweet. But. The moment we were having dinner she pulled out a little box from out of her pocket… Yes, I know what you’re thinking, because I was thinking the same thing and so I started panicking since it’s always been kind of my dream to get married to the love of my life. But she pulled out a necklace so that was embarrassing,. Don’t get me wrong, I loved it. It was beautiful and a really sweet gesture of hers, but I would lie if I’d say I wasn’t a little disappointed. Let me just tell you how it went.

‘’It’s… wow. It’s beautiful.’’

Lexa smiled wide. ‘’Are you sure? I could always bring it back to change it.’’

‘’No, no. I love it. I really do.’’

Lexa squeezed her eyes, because there was a subtle disappointed tone in my voice. I tried hiding it, but it just happened automatically. 

‘’You didn’t think I was going to propose to you, did you?’’ Lexa raised an eyebrow.

I was amazed by how well she knew me sometimes. 

I shrugged.

‘’Clarke… I’m sorry.’’

‘’No, it’s stupid I thought that. I know you don’t want to.’’

Lexa sighed. ‘’It’s not that I don’t want to. It’s just that I don’t believe in it.’’

I nodded.

‘’It’s just a paper.’’ We both said at the same time.

I gave her a little smile.

‘’You really believe that?’’ I said after a while.

Lexa locked our eyes. 

‘’I’ve been saying it my whole life.’’

‘’I know. It’s just sad that I can’t change your mind about it.’’ I admitted.

Lexa frowned and let out a deep sigh.

‘’Maybe- Maybe you already did.’’

I frowned.

‘’Look, I can’t have you waiting here for your fiancée for maybe years while you have a million other opportunities right here.’’

I closed my eyes and frowned. ‘’I’m not following.’’

Lexa let out a sigh again.

‘’Maybe I do want to marry you. But only when I get out of the army. I wouldn’t want to say you’re only mine from such a distance and forbid you to date anyone else.’’

Was I hearing this correctly?

‘’So, you’re saying that I can cheat on you.’’ I said in disbelieve.

‘’I’m saying that I wouldn’t blame you if you did. Two years are a long time. Maybe you’ll start having feelings for someone else, you know?’’

‘’No, I don’t know. Why are you like this?’’ I raised my voice a little in the restaurant. ‘’Would you give up on us? Would you start having feelings for someone else in the army?’’

Lexa stayed quiet for a little while.

‘’Of course not. But your life here is different.’’

‘’I can’t believe you actually think of me like that.’’ I remained silent because I had no idea what to think or say to her. I was disappointed, mad. Confused, too. 

After a while we went home again and only started talking when we laid down in bed silently.

After a long silence, Lexa was the one who started talking.

‘’Clarke, I didn’t want to hurt your feelings. I’m sorry.’’

I knew she didn’t, but she still kind of did. Then again, I didn’t want to fight with her. Not when she was leaving tomorrow.

‘’You did.’’ 

Lexa turned on her night lamp. 

‘’I’m sorry. My message may have gotten out the wrong way. My point is-‘’

‘’I know what your point is. You made that perfectly clear.’’

‘’No, no. My point is that I don’t deserve you. And I know that.’’ 

Silence.

‘’And sometimes I hate myself for it. Because I want to be with you, right here. But I can’t give that to you right now. You deserve so much more love every single day from someone who can give it to you.’’

I turned around to face her. Lexa had never, ever talked about this like she was doing right now. It almost made me feel uncomfortable. She never talked much about her feelings.

‘’Then stop. Stop thinking that. When we met each other again three years ago, I knew what I was getting into. And I prefer this a hundred times more than those years you weren’t mine at all. So can we please just stop this?’’

Lexa nodded sadly and remained silent again.

‘’I just want to make you happy.’’ She finally said.

I moved in closer to her and nuzzled into her neck. 

‘’You are.’’ I said.

Lexa put her arms around me and held me tight.

‘’I’m sorry.’’ She placed a kiss on my forehead.

‘’Shhh.’’ I answered.

I understood a little better now why she was like this. I had no idea. I couldn’t be mad at her for that. Especially when we only had one more day together to go. Married or not, I still loved her to death.

‘’I love you. I would never leave you.’’ I said while she pulled me even closer to her.

I heard Lexa blow air out of her nose like she was about to laugh.

‘’I love you, Clarke Griffin.’’

\---- 

The next day we met Anya and Raven at the bowling center for a double date. Lexa was ridiculously good at bowling so obviously we were a team.

Anya and Raven were behaving pretty good in front of us. No mouth eating kisses or unappropriated touching. Later, Anya told me why.

‘’I convinced Raven to not be so touchy with me all the time in front of Lexa. I told her she needs time to get used to the idea of us.’’

‘’Wow, how did you convince her?’’

Anya locked our eyes, not saying anything.

‘’Never mind. Don’t tell me.’’

Anya chuckled. 

‘’So, you two are officially a thing now?’’

‘’I don’t know. We haven’t used the term ‘girlfriend’ yet. But we could be.’’

‘’Then why don’t you?’’ 

‘’Hey, I’ve done enough. She can ask me.’’

I burst out into laughter and nodded in agreement.

Anya laughed, too.

‘’So, Lexa’s leaving later, huh.’’

I nodded. ‘’Already.’’

Anya nodded, too.

‘’I can see a certain sparkle in your eyes, you know? When you look at her.’’

I scoffed.

‘’The same sparkle I see when you look at your sexy mechanic.’’

‘’Alright, I get it.’’ She laughed. 

I looked at Lexa, who was laughing with Raven from the bar, getting us drinks.

‘’Who knew those two would become friends.’’ I said.

‘’I for sure didn’t. But I’m glad they did. Lexa’s my only family. It would kind of suck if she didn’t approve of my girlfriend.’’

‘’You said girlfriend.’’

Anya gasped. ‘’Dammit.’’

I started laughing again and saw the other two walking towards us with drinks and some food.

‘’Can we laugh, too?’’ Raven said, looking at me.

‘’No. I was just being funny again.’’ Anya answered and we all laughed.

‘’Hey, they ran out of red wine, so I brought you white wine. You’re cool with both, right?’’ Lexa told me.

‘’Sure babe. Thanks.’’ I winked at her and took a sip of my white wine.

I looked at the two next to us, who were smiling like idiots to each other.

I looked at Lexa who was trying to hold back her smile and I rolled my eyes.

‘’Just make it official already.’’ I said.

Both of them immediately stopped smiling and Raven looked at me like she was going to hit me.

‘’I thought you already were.’’ Lexa said.

I could see Anya felt a little embarrassed and Raven was just laughing nervously.

‘’These fries are delicious.’’ Anya said and we all started laughing.

‘’You’re being funny again.’’ Raven joked.

‘’Again? I’m sorry, it just comes out naturally.’’ Anya joked.

I looked at Lexa and saw her smiling wide at her sister. I could tell she felt proud of her. Then Lexa turned to me but I was already staring, which made her smile. She winked at me and took another sip of her drink. I could watch her forever.

\----

‘’Don’t forget your collar.’’

‘’I won’t.’’

‘’And your cap.’’

‘’I know.’’

‘’And your socks-‘’

‘’Clarke, I know. I’ve got it.’’ Lexa laughed a little.

I let out a sigh. ‘’Sorry, I just don’t want you to forget anything.’’

Lexa laughed again. ‘’You really think I’m going to forget to put on my socks?’’

I smiled a little embarrassed and shrugged.

‘’You’re nervous. I understand.’’ Lexa said very calm. 

I grinned a little. Sometimes she knew me better than I knew myself. 

She walked towards the wall in our bedroom, where I was leaning against at. She grabbed my hands that were locked behind me and put them around her own waist. At the same time she came closer to hug me and I saw a chance to rest my head against her chest.

We stayed there for a while, not saying anything. My thoughts were already loud enough anyway.

‘’It’s been so short this time.’’ I finally said.

‘’It’s always short.’’ Lexa answered.

I smiled sadly at her as I locked our eyes. She smiled back, only a little wider than I did.

I let go of her hands and gave her a quick peck on her lips. Then I laid down in bed and looked at my alarm. 10:32 pm. I yawned and noticed Lexa laying right next to me. She turned to her side to face me and stared at me for a while. 

‘’You don’t have to get up to bring me to the airport. You’ve got to go work tomorrow pretty early.’’

I shook my head. ‘’I want to. I want to say goodbye to you.’’

‘’Clarke, it’s in the middle of the night.’’

I raised my eyebrows. 

‘’So?’’

Lexa let out an annoyed sigh.

‘’I just don’t want you to go through the trouble.’’

‘’Lexa, stop. I’m coming with you. Period.’’ I put on my most serious face.

She sighed again and started laughing after a while.

‘’You were always stubborn like that. Don’t really know why I have a thing for that.’’ 

I started laughing a little, too.

‘’Remember when we first met?’’

‘’Yes, you were already pigheaded back then.’’

I jokingly hit her arm and laughed. 

I saw Lexa’s smile growing wider and I moved in closer so that our hips were touching.

‘’I think you were the only one who wasn’t scared of me back then.’’ She joked.

‘’Oh, come on. People weren’t scared of you. Maybe just a tiny little bit.’’

Lexa scoffed. ‘’People made up the craziest things about me. I even heard a girl say once she thought I killed Tupac.’’

I burst out into laughter. ‘’Oh my god, that’s terrible.’’ I covered my mouth with my hands.

Lexa couldn’t help but laugh as well and started tickling me.

‘’Don’t laugh at that.’’ She was still tickling me and I obviously couldn’t stop laughing.

I was making the weirdest movements with my arms and legs to make her stop, but she didn’t. She ended on top of my back, my arms locked by her hands.

‘’Okay, all right. I’m sorry. Lexa, I’m sorry.’’ She still didn’t stop and I thought I was going to pee myself.

‘’Oh my god, okay, okay I get it, I’m sorry. I love you. Please. You’re the best.’’ I said laughing.

She stopped for a moment. 

‘’I’m what?’’ She asked.

I thought for a little moment before answering. ‘’The best?’’

She started tickling me again.

‘’You hesitated.’’ She said.

‘’No, no, oh god please, I’ll do anything, please.’’ She held me tight with her hands all over me tickling and her head was resting against the back of my head. 

Before I knew it I made a weird and unexpected movement with my head and hit Lexa’s head so hard with mine that she got off of me, holding her head with her hands.

I gasped when I heard the loud ‘boom’ and immediately rolled over to see if she was okay. Her eyes were covered by her hands. 

‘’Oh my god, are you okay? Babe I’m so sorry. Are you hurt?’’ I got no answer and carefully removed her hands from her eyes. She revealed a big smile and she was just laughing in my face about it.

I let out a relieved sigh and hit her hand jokingly.

‘’You asshole.’’ I said.

‘’Wow, that sure was unexpected.’’ Lexa laughed.

‘’I didn’t hurt you?’’ I asked.

‘’I mean… I wouldn’t want to do it again.’’

I rolled my eyes and placed a kiss on her forehead, where I hit her.

‘’Always so tough.’’ I whispered.

Lexa smiled and just when I wanted to roll over to my side, she pulled me back to her and started kissing me gently. The silence in the room was now filled by the sounds of our hardworking lips. It felt like I couldn’t get enough of her lips and so I deepened the kiss to where our tongues connected. I started working harder with my mouth, breathing heavily. I felt Lexa’s hand slowly moving to my jeans, undoing the zipper. She then moved her hand under my shirt and traced all the way up to my chest, cupping one of my breasts covered in my bra. She broke the contact between our tongues and placed kisses on my neck while I was still breathing heavily. 

She gently pulled of my shirt and flipped me over so that she was on top now. Then she started kissing me on my chest until she had enough of it and undid my bra. She gasped quietly at my revealed skin and didn’t hesitate to use her mouth on them. I tried containing a soft moan and tried undressing her as well. In a moment, I had left Lexa in her underwear. Lexa then very slowly pulled my pants off and I couldn’t wait anymore. With one movement her bra came off and with another movement I pulled her lips against mine. Lexa moaned softly when she heard me do the same thing.

When I felt Lexa’s warm fingers trace their way down, I stopped moving for a moment and laid my head back down to relax. Lexa placed a few last kisses on my chest and stomach before she was staring at my arousal. I saw Lexa quickly lick her lips before she pushed my legs further away from each other to have full entrance for later. 

Lexa once again traced her fingers down, from my legs to my entrance. But she didn’t go in just yet. She brought her fingers to my clit and started rubbing it gently. I gasped the moment I felt her finger touch me. Then she started setting pace. She sped up and I couldn’t help but moan and gasp a little louder. My hips started moving and that was a clear instruction for Lexa to move her fingers to my entrance. She slowly pushed in one fingertip which left me out of breath already. With one move she pushed the rest of her long finger inside and I widened my legs a little more. Lexa immediately responded to my action and pushed a second finger inside, deeper than the first one. I let my head fall against my pillow and closed my eyes, my mouth making an ‘O’. Lexa then pulled her fingers out to only move them back in. When she had found her pace, my hips simultaneously moved along her fingers pumping in and out. 

I couldn’t do anything else than breathing heavily and I let out a moan or two. Or three. Or twenty.

Lexa started moving faster and harder inside of me. Thrusting inside of me. She tried her best to contain her moans, but she failed miserably. I wanted to say I was close, but I was out of breath and ready to speed up the rhythm of her moving fingers. 

‘’Oh my god.’’ I said under my long breath.

Lexa started rubbing my clit again with her other finger and started pumping in and out her fingers as fast and deep as she could. I loved her fingers. I really did. Lexa twitched her fingers inside of me when she pushed inside of me and hit exactly the right spot over and over again. All it took was another three deep thrusts until it felt like all the oxygen left the room and I came all over her fingers. My walls started clenching, my head fell back into my pillow again and my hips started riding her uncontrollably. I whimpered and I just hoped I didn’t hurt her fingers because of the powerful clenches. I let out one last, long moan and then my hips fell down on the bed. I stayed silent for a while when I felt Lexa’s full lips on mine again.

We were both breathing heavily again but that didn’t stop her from kissing me. I smiled and came up for air a little, smiling. 

‘’My god.’’ I said again, laughing in pleasure.

Lexa laughed a little and helped me get on my side to hug me from behind. I intertwined our fingers and brought them to my chest.

‘’Just give me a minute.’’ I breathed out.

Lexa placed a smiling kiss on my spine and another one on my neck.

‘’Sure.’’ Was all she said.

A comfortable silence filled the room for a minute.

‘’Don’t go.’’ I finally said.

Lexa let out a quiet sigh. ‘’I don’t want to.’’

I let out a deeper sigh. ‘’Only two more years.’’ I mumbled.

\---- 

I felt a kiss on my forehead and that’s when I immediately woke up. I turned on the lights and saw Lexa was just about to leave our bedroom in her army clothes. The light was too bright and I felt a little dizzy while standing up. I could see it was still nighttime by the dark sky outside. 

‘’You were leaving without me.’’ I said half-awake with my cranky morning voice. But I could still see the guiltiness in Lexa’s eyes.

‘’I wanted to wake you but I didn’t want to ruin your sleep.’’

I sighed and started changing myself into some jeans and a sweater as fast as I could. ‘’I told you I was coming with you.’’ I said without looking at Lexa.

Lexa remained silent and watched me change myself. I could tell she felt guilty. We remained silent and a little while later we got in the car, Lexa was driving.

We remained silent the whole way to the airport as well. I didn’t want to say anything. I couldn’t. I was too nervous. I was too scared to say something and then I would just cry and cry and cry. And I didn’t want her to remember me like that before she would leave me for another year. I just had her so close with me, I didn’t want to let her go now. 

When we arrived at the airport it was 3:34 am. Lexa had to catch her flight at 4:45 so we were on time. We walked together from the car to the airport, only to sit down right next to the gate Lexa was supposed to go in later. 

I grabbed Lexa’s hand and rested my head on her shoulder. Lexa didn’t expect my move, but kissed my hair and started playing with our fingers anyway. We still hadn’t said a word to each other. I guess I wasn’t the only one who was nervous.

‘’I’m sorry.’’ Lexa said after a long moment of silence.

I lifted my head to face her.

‘’I’m sorry I didn’t wake you up.’’

I gave her a half smile.

‘’It’s okay. I get why you didn’t.’’

Lexa shrugged. ‘’It’s not. Truth is, I’m glad you’re here now.’’

I nodded. ‘’Me too.’’ I could still see Lexa was bothered by this. No matter what I said to her.

I rested my head back on her shoulder and closed my eyes. Lexa continued whatever she was doing to my fingers.

I couldn’t believe how fast these past few days had passed. It felt like she just got here yesterday. And now I had to wait another year to see her. Another year alone. Another Christmas alone. Another holiday alone. Another birthday alone. Another thanksgiving alone. Every other day alone. These thoughts made my tears come back suddenly, a lot quicker than I thought. I wiped them away as subtle as possible from my cheeks, but of course Lexa noticed and locked our eyes.

She helped me wipe away my tears as well and smiled sadly.

‘’You okay?’’

I nodded and smiled through my still falling tears.

‘’Are you sure you can drive back later by yourself?’’

I nodded again. ‘’I’ll be fine.’’ 

Lexa gave a quick understandable nod placed a kiss on my forehead.

‘’I’m sorry.’’ She whispered in my ear. ‘’For making you go through this.’’ She continued.

I shook my head. ‘’I’ll be fine, really.’’ I lied a little. 

Lexa nodded, but I could see she didn’t buy it. 

We remained silent for a long time again. The airport was filled with people. Even in the middle of the night. 

I couldn’t stand the silence between Lexa and me now, but I also didn’t want to say anything. Before I could decide which one I was going for, Lexa opened her mouth.

‘’You look pretty by the way.’’ She almost whispered it.

I chuckled a little. I knew exactly what she was doing. She was trying to make me smile, and yes, it was working a little bit.

‘’I’m wearing your sweater.’’ 

I could hear Lexa laugh a little.

‘’So that is why.’’ She joked.

I lifted my head to face her again and looked at her wide, familiar smile. I took a picture in my head of her smile that I wanted to remember until I would see her again.

I rested my head on her shoulder again and sighed. We stayed for a good long time there, not moving a single bone in my body. 

‘’Last night was amazing, too.’’ Lexa whispered again.

I smiled like an idiot and remembered every single touch from the night before.

‘’It was.’’ I smiled and closed my eyes. I tried not to think about how much I was going to miss her. 

‘’Passengers from flight 411, your flight leaves in a few minutes. This is the last chance to enter the gate.’’ We heard through the speakers.

My expression went from smiley to sad again and I felt her get up. I watched her as she stretched out her hand to me. I grabbed her hand and pulled myself up, immediately meeting her in her arms. 

This was it. This was the moment I absolutely hated over and over again. From this moment I never knew if I was going to see her again. A tear escaped my eye again.

Lexa broke the contact from our hug and caressed my face with her two hands. She wiped my tears away, again, and leaned in to kiss me. The kiss was a little messy because of my sobbing, but at the same time soft. Very soft. Like she was saying goodbye to me for forever. I shook my thoughts away and kissed her harder, more tears falling down my cheek. 

‘’I love you.’’ Lexa tried saying in between the kiss. ‘’I’ll see you soon.’’

‘’I love you, too.’’ I answered, still kissing her soft, tasteful lips. 

This time I broke our contact and slowly opened my eyes. I noticed a few people looking into our direction but I honestly didn’t care at the moment. 

Lexa held my waist with both hands and our foreheads were touching.

I saw someone approaching us from a distance and I looked up to her. So did Lexa. It was a well-dressed woman with a camera guy behind her. She was holding a microphone and she looked a little too shy to use it, and so she didn’t.

‘’Hi, may I ask you something?’’ She almost whispered.

Oh god, I was not in the mood for any of this. Before Lexa and I could answer she started talking again.

‘’I’m a reporter from this network on tv and I’ve been observing you for a while. Is it okay if I continue filming? We can talk later about everything else.’’

Lexa and I remained silent, looking at all the people around us, staring at us.

Then Lexa turned to me again. ‘’Sorry, I should go.’’ Lexa said calm. 

I turned to her as well. and nodded sadly in understanding. The next thing I did was hug Lexa again, ignoring the woman completely.

‘’Take care, alright?’’ Lexa told me quietly.

I nodded into her neck.

‘’You too. I’ll see you again next year.’’ The last two words made my stomach twist and my voice a little breaking.

Lexa broke the hug again and gave me an extra long kiss on my forehead.

She carefully let go of my hand and walked backwards, smiling at me one last time. I tried smiling back and then she turned her back to me, entering the gate. She turned around one last time before disappearing again.

I brought my knuckles to my lips, hiding my sad expression from everyone who was staring. 

I turned to the woman who wanted to film us and I saw her camera guy already filming.

I honestly didn’t care at the moment. I didn’t care about anything anymore. I just wanted to go home.

‘’What just happened, miss?’’ The woman shoved the microphone right under my nose.

Again, I was not in the mood but I didn’t feel like being a jerk on tv.

‘’I’m sorry. I have to go.’’ I said through my tears and started walking away. The woman and camera guy followed me to my car.

‘’What’s your name again? I’m Luna. I work for a network and-‘’

‘’Yeah I know. You already told me.’’ I said while opening the car door.

Luna stopped me from opening the door further.

‘’Look, from what I’ve seen, your story should definitely be told to the world. We’ve filmed everything. Here’s a fair deal: we use the content for our show, and we leave you alone forever.’’

I sniffed one last time and nodded. ‘’Yeah. Just let me be now.’’ I was just a mix of devastation and exhaustment and I would have agreed to anything right now. 

She pulled away her hand and let me enter my car. I just wanted to get home already.

The moment I drove away, she yelled at me. 

‘’Thank you!’’

I could barely see anything on the road because of my tears, but I also wanted to get away from the airport as fast as possible. I stopped for a moment and tried calming down, wiping away my tears. A few sighs and shivery breaths later, I continued driving home.

Another day. Another day without trying to lose my mind.


	4. Chapter 4

_Dear Lexa,_

_It’s been more than two months without you. I hope you’re doing well._

No. I creased the piece of paper for the fifth time and started writing a new one, again.

 

_Dear Lexa,_

_How are you?_

I sighed and creased the new paper, again. I just couldn’t get it right.

 

_Lovely Lexa,_

No.

 

_Hello Lexa,_

‘Hello Lexa?’ What am I? Her boss?

 

 

I sighed again and creased the eighth paper of the day.

 

I banged my head on my desk and laid still for a while when I heard someone stepping into my office. I looked up.

 

‘’Hey. What’re you doing?’’ Raven said a little suspicious.

 

‘’Nothing.’’ I shrugged.

 

I saw Raven looking at my creased papers on my desk and a few on the floor.

 

‘’Please tell me those aren’t tissues.’’

 

I laughed a little.

 

‘’No.’’

 

Silence. Raven was looking at me like she expected an answer, eyes wide.

 

I let out a smiley sigh. ‘’I was trying to write a letter to Lexa.’’

 

‘’This is you trying?’’ Raven answered.

 

‘’Yes…’’ I breathed out.

 

Raven raised an eyebrow and sat down on the desk, turning her head to me.

 

‘’What went wrong?’’

 

I shrugged again. ‘’I can’t.’’

 

‘’Why?’’ Raven asked again.

 

I waited a moment before answering. ‘’Either I write sentences that are too long or too short or too stupid. I just want it to be perfect, you know? It’s one chance I get every four months or so.’’

 

Raven nodded understandably.

 

‘’Can I…?’’ Raven asked carefully, pointing at the rag of papers.

 

I nodded carefully.

 

Raven picked up one of the first ones and cleared her throat.

 

 

‘’Dear Lex,

 

I miss the sex.

 

Love you,

 

Clarke

 

 

At least it rhymes, but I wouldn’t send that either.’’ Raven said without moving a single muscle in her face.

 

It brought a smile on my face and started laughing.

 

‘’That’s not what it says, Reyes.’’

 

Raven laughed now, too.

 

‘’Okay, alright let’s see.’’

Raven scanned the paper again before reading out loud.

 

‘’Dear Lexa,

It’s been a while since we wrote each other. I didn’t miss it. I mean, I did, but I’d rather not write you at all. ‘Cause then you’d be with me. I wouldn’t have to write you if you’d be with me.’’

 

Raven laughed a little nervously and swallowed.

‘’I know it’s terrible, you don’t have to say it.’’ I said.

Raven stared at me in silence.

‘’Are they all like that?’’ Raven asked while unwrapping another piece of paper.

I nodded disappointed but wasn’t sure she could see me. Then she started reading again.

 

‘’Dear Lexa,

I hope you’re having a good time out there.’’

 

She stopped reading because that’s where my letter ended and sighed deeply before reading another one out loud.

 

‘’Hello Lexa,

What are you? Her boss or something?’’ Raven asked and I couldn’t do anything else than bang my head on my desk again.

 

‘’Okay, you really need to get out of here. Come have fun with your friends.’’

I shook my head, still laying on my desk. ‘’I am having fun.’’ I mumbled loud enough for Raven to hear me.

Then I felt her hand on my head, quickly petting me.

‘’Come over when you’re done working at my place. I’ll ask Anya and Octavia, too.’’

I sighed deeply against my desk.

‘’I consider that a yes. I’ll see you tonight.’’ Raven said.

I heard Raven walk away and close the door behind her. I looked up and found myself sitting in a messy, dark room. I couldn’t attempt writing another letter so I didn’t. Just a few more hours until I could finally go home. Excuse me, go to Raven’s home.

 

\----

_‘’She is driving me crazy, O. I hate her.’’ I whispered._

_Octavia snorted behind her textbook. ‘’No you don’t.’’_

_I raised both eyebrows and remained silent until Octavia looked up at me from behind her textbook._

_‘’Not as much as I do.’’ She corrected herself._

_‘’I highly doubt that. You know, she wouldn’t even let me in our room in the middle of the night.’’_

_‘’But then she did and she said something sweet. I know, you’ve told me like ten times already.’’_

_I pursed my lips and started reading in my textbook again in silence, but I couldn’t really focus when I saw Lexa enter the library and walked right past us. Lexa only gave me a quick nod and sat down to the table right next to us. She was wearing sweatpants with a large jersey and a beanie. She grabbed her laptop and started typing like crazy. I didn’t notice I was staring until Octavia whispered something._

_‘’This is probably the first time she has ever visited a library in her life.’’ Octavia whispered as low as possible._

_I sat up straight and curled the left side of my lips so it looked like I was smiling._

_‘’She’s not dumb.’’_

_‘’Right.’’_

_‘’Really, she’s not. It’s just that her girlfriend is attached to her like superglue. So she can’t really study.’’_

_Octavia sniffed. ‘’Do I smell jealousy?’’_

_I jokingly slapped her arm again which made Octavia a little too loud. We noticed ‘cause Lexa looked up at us. She gave me a soft grin and then continued typing._

_Octavia gasped softly. ‘’Did she just fucking smile? In our direction?’’_

_I smiled and rolled my eyes. ‘’She smiles. Sometimes.’’ And it’s a pretty one, too._

_Octavia raised her hands next to her shoulders. ‘’Whatever. She can drown in her girlfriends spit sometime.’’_

_I frowned and my stomach did a little twist inside when I thought of Costia. I had seen her plenty of times by now. She was dark-skinned and had beautiful black curls. It almost made me jealous of how pretty she was. Most of the times Costia was hanging out in our room with Lexa. But sometimes she wasn’t and then Lexa was like a totally different person with me. Nicer.  Lately, anyway._

_‘’Did Finn talk to you this week?’’ Octavia whispered._

_I nodded. ‘’Not in person though. He texted me.’’_

_‘’What did he say?’’_

_I smiled. ‘’That he missed me. Probably ‘cause his girlfriend dumped his cheating ass.’’_

_Octavia snorted. ‘’What did you say?’’_

_‘’I can’t forgive him right now. Maybe never.’’_

_‘’That’s right, never.’’ Octavia agreed._

_I smiled at Octavia when I heard a familiar voice very close to me._

_She cleared her throat. ‘’Do you ladies have a pen for me I can borrow?’’ Lexa said in her usual confident tone._

_Octavia didn’t move a muscle and just stared deadly at her._

_‘’Erm, sure. I think I have one in my bag.’’ I searched in my bag for a pen and grabbed it. I noticed Octavia looking at me with squeezed eyes, a little confused._

_I turned to Lexa again and gave it to her. She grabbed it and held into it because I started talking._

_‘’Wait, don’t you have a laptop?’’ I noticed._

_Lexa let out a little laugh which we weren’t used to see that often._

_‘’Keen. If you noticed that, you also must’ve noticed that my laptop ran out of battery.’’_

_I felt my cheeks turn red a little and laughed it off. Lexa smiled back and grabbed the pen out of my hand. We both watched her walk to her table and how she sat down on her chair like she had no manners. Lexa looked up and saw us staring at her. She smiled a little, again, which made me blush even more. Octavia looked at me like she wanted an explanation. I pressed my nose into the textbook and tried to focus with Lexa right next to us. This was gonna be a long afternoon._

\----

I rang the doorbell and Raven happily took me in after hugging me. Anya and Octavia were already chatting on the couch. They both greeted me a little too happy in my opinion, but I was happy to see them, too. Raven sat down next to Anya, who was officially her girlfriend now, and gave her a peck on the lips. I saw Octavia roll her eyes at the action which made me smile. A while into conversation with them, they found out about me writing a letter this afternoon.

‘’You didn’t get a letter?’’ Anya asked surprised.

I disappointedly shook my head and looked down to my feet. How come Anya had gotten a letter from Lexa three days ago, and I didn’t get one at all?

‘’Maybe something went wrong. This doesn’t sound like Lexa at all.’’ Octavia tried soothing me.

‘’Maybe.’’ I nodded carefully and tried not to let it make me feel too sad. Lexa wouldn’t still be too afraid or even angry to talk to me, would she? Because right now, everything sounded like a good reason for not writing to me.

‘’I’m sure you’ll get one soon.’’ Anya said, frowning.

I nodded, giving them a little smile. ‘’What did your letter say?’’ I turned to Anya.

She hesitated a bit before speaking. ‘’Not much important. Just that she was doing okay and that she missed us…’’

I nodded sadly and then Octavia tried changing the conversation.

‘’So, any other plans this weekend, Clarke?’’

They all stared at me like they had seen a ghost.

‘’What?’’ I frowned.

‘’Christmas?’’ Octavia answered.

I gasped. It was going to be Christmas in four freaking days already. I had totally forgot about it. And definitely didn’t have any plans.

‘’You forgot?’’ Octavia continued.

‘’No.’’ I lied.

‘’Well, then what are your plans this year?’’ Raven asked.

I shrugged. ‘’Don’t have any. Yet.’’

‘’What do you mean? We’re always together with the group on the first day of Christmas.’’ Raven answered.

‘’We are?’’ I frowned. We were together last year with Christmas. But I thought it was the second day of Christmas.

‘’Um, yeah. You don’t remember?’’ Octavia backed Raven up.

I guess I was just too tired to be thinking about all of it at the moment and just nodded.

‘’I do remember. So, first day of Christmas then. With the whole group? Where?’’ I asked.

They all remained silent, staring at me.

‘’Last year was kind of small at my apartment.’’ Raven began. ‘’Maybe someone has a decent house.’’

They all turned their looks from Raven to me.

I raised my eyebrows. ‘’Oh. You mean, at our house?’’ I answered. It’s not that I minded. I just didn’t expect it.

All of them nodded. ‘’Only if that’s okay with you.’’ Raven said.

‘’No, yeah, of course. Absolutely. I just erm, have to clean up the house a bit.’’ I answered awkwardly.

‘’We will help you with everything. Don’t worry.’’ Octavia said.

‘’Oh, and we’re doing presents again, right? A little present for everyone from yourself.’’ Anya added.

I had no idea where I had to find the time to do all of that, which stressed me out a little.

‘’Yeah, good idea baby.’’ Raven encouraged her and went in to kiss her lips.

These moments made me miss Lexa so much more. I wanted to kiss Lexa so bad.

‘’Alright, quit it you two. You’re in love, we get it.’’ Octavia said in a childish voice which made us all laugh.

‘’She finally asked me.’’ Raven said with a big smile.

She jokingly received a slap on her arm from Anya. ‘’Stop lying. You were dying to ask me to be your girlfriend.’’ Anya laughed.

‘’But I didn’t.’’ Raven laughed again.

Anya rolled her eyes. ‘’Whatever makes you sleep better at night.’’

‘’You know what makes me sleep better at night.’’ Raven whispered in her ear a little too loud.

‘’Alright! Reyes, I did not come here to hear your dirty talk.’’ We all started laughing again.

I was incredibly happy for Raven, Anya, Octavia, Lincoln, Monty and Harper that they were a couple. But it also made me feel so much lonelier when we would all be together. It made me miss Lexa so much that sometimes I just couldn’t enjoy being together with the whole group. I know that may sound horrible… But I do adjudge it to all of them. They were my friends.

After a couple more glasses of wine and great conversations like we always used to have, I decided to go home. I had work in the morning of course.

I walked home, because it wasn’t that far away. When I came in, I turned on the lights. I took off my shoes and my coat and let out a relieved sigh when my butt finally hit the couch.

I couldn’t bare the silence so I put on the tv, making the living room sound not as lonely as it was.

I stared at the door from my spot and saw a few envelopes laying on the ground. I let out an annoyed sigh and got up to get them. I went through all of them but none was the one I was searching for the last couple of days. Lexa’s letter. Maybe something really went wrong after all.

 

\----

 

‘’How come you’ve never told me that?’’ Octavia said.

I shrugged and laughed a little. ‘’It’s not that important.’’ I tried.

Octavia let out a sigh while she carried our grocery bags into my car.

‘’We were always planning our wedding when we were little, Clarke. See, I’ve already asked Lincoln if he wants to get married one day. He gave me a correct answer and told me he did. That’s the reason I’m still with him.’’ I could hear in her voice she was joking.

I grinned.

‘’As long as we don’t split again, I’m fine with it.’’ I said.

Octavia looked at me a little sadly and decided to let it go.

‘’We’ve got a lot to do before everyone else’s coming later. So, we’d better hurry.’’

I nodded heavily in agreement and got in the car to drive home. Octavia and I decided to cook the main dish for our Christmas party tonight. The rest could cook something else for us to eat.

After being three hours in the kitchen with Octavia, the whole group got in with a lot of presents. I greeted them all happily with a hug and I got the question if I was okay from every single one. It was sweet that they cared, but I just wanted to forget about it for a little while. I couldn’t do that if they kept reminding me of her.

I sighed when I saw all of the presents laying under the tree.

‘’Go change yourself, Clarke. Jasper and I got this.’’ Octavia said and replaced my hands with hers stirring the soup I was making.

‘’You sure? I-‘’

‘’Go go go.’’ Octavia pushed me away.

‘’Okay, alright. I’ll be quick.’’ I ran upstairs and changed myself, put on some make up and looked at myself in the mirror for a bit.

I put on a short, red dress that I had with some pantyhose and some high black heels. I put on the necklace Lexa gave me last year for my birthday. It made me feel like she was a little with me this Christmas anyway.

I took a deep breath and slowly walked downstairs where I saw everyone standing and talking to each other around the Christmas tree. When they heard me coming down, they all went silent until Raven had to whistle which mainly made Bellamy laugh. I rolled my eyes.

‘’Look at you, doc.’’ Octavia said. ‘’You look amazing.’’ Everyone apparently agreed because I saw them all nodding.

I rolled my eyes, again. ‘’Thank you, but it’s really just a dress.’’ I laughed.

Octavia returned my reaction by rolling her eyes, too.

 ‘’Alright ladies and gents, before we start having dinner in a few minutes, I want to say something.’’ Anya began speaking. She had the attention she wanted from everyone and continued.

‘’Clarke, I’m already gonna give you a gift.’’

‘’Boo, not fair.’’ Murphy said and everyone started laughing a little.

‘’Shut your mouth Murphy.’’ Anya warned him. ‘’See, I think we all know how much Clarke and Lexa make sense. How much she misses Lexa when she’s not around, especially at days like this, where we all come together. But here she is. Cooking for all of us, having a Christmas party at her house. I think I’m able to say we’ve all got a huge amount of respect for you, Clarke. We know these are hard times and we just wanted to let you know that we’re here for you.’’

I looked fully in shock around me, everyone nodding and smiling again. Octavia and Raven were smiling a little wider than the rest.

I felt so overwhelmed that I could barely say what I wanted to say.

‘’Guys, thank you. That means a lot to me.’’ I could bring out.

Anya smiled.

‘’We want to give you your gift now, so you can enjoy it just a bit longer.’’ Anya said and pointed with her hand to a little wrapped up box under the tree.

‘’Oh my god.’’ I mumbled, laughing. This was actually really sweet.

I stepped forward to grab the gift and once again, looked around me. Everyone gave me a quick nod.

‘’You guys are my favorite weirdos.’’ I laughed, followed by everyone else’s laugh.

I carefully unwrapped the tiny box and opened it. I felt my stomach drop out of nerves and my heartbeat speed up. In the tiny box right in my hands was a beautiful diamond ring that definitely hadn’t cost ten bucks. It went silent everywhere around me and I couldn’t think straight anymore. I had so many questions in my head. But then all of my questions were answered by one single soft voice.

‘’Clarke.’’ I heard behind me and turned around slowly. I looked down where Lexa was kneeling in front of me. My Lexa.

I completely froze and covered my mouth with my other free hand. There she was in her best clothes, trying not to cry. I felt tears coming up my eyes as well but fought them back. Even though the room was filled with people, I could only focus on Lexa and me. Then she started speaking again.

‘’I know I’ve said a million times before that I never wanted to get married, ever. Even though you always dreamed about getting married and knew what my thoughts were, you stayed with me. That convinced me how much you love me, even if it’s still hard to believe because sometimes I don’t even feel like I deserve you.’’

Lexa cleared her throat before continuing and I laughed a little, tears in my eyes. She reached for my hand that covered my mouth.

‘’We’ve already been through a lot together, and every time found each other again. We found love and comfort in each other and-‘’ Lexa cleared her throat again and laughed. ‘’I’m rambling I’m so sorry.’’

I laughed and heard everyone else laugh, too.

‘’Truth is, I want to make you happy. I want to spend the rest of my life with you, loving you. That’s exactly why I’m giving you this ring.’’

I took a good look at the ring.

‘’It was my mother’s. Now I want you to have it.’’ Lexa smiled and took the deepest breath ever.

‘’Clarke Griffin, will you marry me?’’

My whole world stopped for a minute and I could only think about me and Lexa growing old together, watching tv with our children, drinking some tea, petting our dog.

I snapped out of my thoughts and everyone had a questionable look on their faces. Lexa was still holding my hand and waiting for an answer. I couldn’t believe she just asked me the only question she already knew the answer to. I just smiled and kneeled with effort in my tight dress right in front of Lexa as I started kissing her, my hands in her neck. She held my waist and pulled me closer. The moment my lips touched hers it felt like coming home again. I had missed her so much. A tear escaped my eye.

I heard Raven clear her throat. ‘’Is that a yes?’’ She almost whispered and I broke the kiss with a laugh.

‘’That’s a hell yes.’’ I said and Lexa smiled from ear to ear before hugging me. Everyone around us started clapping and Raven started whistling again when Lexa stood up and helped me get up as well, putting on the ring.

‘’It’s beautiful.’’ I said and once again kissed her. Then I wrapped my arms around her, resting my head on her shoulder. They all continued clapping and I turned to Lexa’s ear.

‘’I love you.’’

Lexa pulled back her head so she was facing me with her genuine wide smile.

‘’I love you, too.’’

Before we could do anything else, we were both being pulled away by our friends to congratulate us.

After a long while of hugging every single one in the room, Anya spoke up again and raised her glass.

‘’To my lovely sister and her beautiful fiancée.’’ She said and everyone repeated her and took a sip of their drink.

Lexa came to stand right next to me and put her arm around my waist. That had never felt so right before.

‘’Guys, did you all know about this?’’ I asked.

Everyone nodded and laughed.

‘’Yes we did.’’ Octavia confirmed.

I started laughing. ‘’You assholes. Since when?’’

‘’Since I got Lexa’s letter a few weeks ago.’’ Anya laughed. ‘’Lexa wrote she got the permission to come home for Christmas to surprise you.’’

‘’That’s why I didn’t write you.’’ Lexa told me. ‘’I didn’t want to be too predictable.’’ She smiled.

‘’That’s why you were all acting so weird at Raven’s place this week.’’ I said and all three of them laughed.

I shook my head and rested my arm on Lexa’s cheek to give her a long, soft kiss. I didn’t give two shits about people staring at us right now.

‘’I still don’t get it.’’ I broke the kiss. ‘’Where did you come from? When?’’

They all laughed. ‘’This morning when you were out grocery shopping with me.’’ Octavia said.

‘’Yes, Anya and Raven came to pick me up from the airport. And then later I had to hide in Anya’s car until you went upstairs to change yourself a few minutes ago.’’ Lexa continued.

‘’Oh my god.’’ I laughed and saw Lexa stare at me full in awe. I kept smiling like an idiot.

Raven coughed once or twice and interrupted us.

‘’I’m starving.’’ She said.

‘’Yes, let’s eat now that we’re all here.’’ Octavia said.

We went to sit down at the table, Lexa right next to me. This was officially our very first Christmas together. We didn’t even celebrate in college together.

I took a good look at the beautiful ring on my finger when Lexa intertwined our fingers together.

I smiled.

‘’You like it?’’

‘’I love it.’’ I turned my head to her and came closer as if I was gonna kiss her, but I didn’t because I heard Raven clear her throat again.

‘’I think someone here is getting sick.’’ I said jokingly while I turned around to face Raven.

‘’If you keep doing that, yeah.’’ She replied.

Lexa pushed a kiss on my hand and then let me go so we could eat.

The room got filled with chatter from everyone.

‘’Just Christmas then?’’ I asked Lexa.

‘’I’m getting three days.’’

I quickly raised my eyebrows before turning to her.

‘’At least you’re here. Even though I’m still processing everything. God, you have no idea I’m happy I am right now.’’ I laughed.

‘’That’s all I want.’’ Lexa smiled from ear to ear.

All I wanted was to jump Lexa right here right now, but I figured I had to wait until everyone was gone, which could take the whole evening. But it was okay. I’d waited longer than that for her. At least we were celebrating Christmas together this year and was soon going to marry the love of my life. I looked around and enjoyed being with friends who loved me and my future wife who also happened to love me. Nothing else could break my happiness right now.

 

 

 

At least, that is what I thought.


	5. Chapter 5

After four months of Lexa being back in the army after Christmas, my worst nightmare came true. I got a call from the army saying that Lexa had been hospitalized. A bomb hit their group. Not everyone survived the attack, but Lexa somehow did. The doctors said she was lucky to be alive for now, although she fell in a coma. They would fly her over when they could, which was today. Finally.

I couldn’t visit her because that place was all secret. So I asked them to call me every day for two months. It was terrible. All I wanted to do was to see her and hold her. Telling her she was gonna be okay.

I was truly scared that she would never wake up again. That I lost her. That she was gone. That my happiness got taken away. These last two months had been a complete hell. But when they called me saying that she had woken up, I couldn’t do anything else but cry out of fear and happiness.

Unfortunately the good news turned into bad news, because she wasn’t alright. She had bruises all over, a broken arm and foot, and maybe worst of all: memory loss and confusion.

The doctors told me she didn’t remember she was in the army at all. She didn’t know what she did remember either, which was really scary. But, they also said her memory could come back any day. Or not. It was definitely the worst news I’d gotten after I heard my dad died a few years ago.

I started crying again. Shit. Not right now. I couldn’t see anything on the road like this. I wiped my tears away and drove further to the hospital Lexa was in. I asked them to bring her to the hospital I was working at, but they couldn’t. They already planned to take Lexa to the hospital my mom was working at. Which was a terrible idea after what happened on the second Christmas day last year.

I’ve gotten a lot of support from friends, which was really what I needed. But what I needed the most was to see Lexa. Anya did too. We had been supporting each other through this time. She was coming over a little later to see Lexa, so we decided to see each other in the hospital ‘cause I didn’t want to wait anymore to go see her.

I parked the car and finally entered the hospital. I asked her what room she was in and walked towards the room. I was walking way too fast because I was so nervous I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t even know how to greet her, what to say to her. I didn’t even know if she remembered me.

I saw the room and let out a deep sigh before entering.

I closed the door behind me before I locked our eyes. I held back my tears when I saw the bruises and scarf bandages on her arm, neck and foot.

There was a very confused look on Lexa’s face and I prepared myself for anything.

I sat down silently on the chair next to her, still holding back my tears.

‘’Oh my god.’’ I mumbled, breathing out. I gently placed my hand on hers and started circling her skin with my thumb. ‘’I’m so glad you’re here. How are you feeling?’’ My voice sounded broken.

Lexa sighed before answering and pulled her own hand back so we weren’t touching anymore.

‘’Shitty. Where’s Costia?’’

My stomach dropped and I didn’t know what to say.

‘’Where is she?’’ She asked again.

I shrugged. ‘’I don’t know.’’

‘’What do you mean you don’t know.’’ She let out another deep sigh. ‘’Could you call her for me?’’

I inhaled deeply. ‘’I don’t have her phone number.’’

Lexa sighed again. ‘’But I do.’’

‘’You don’t even have a phone.’’ I said.

Lexa closed her eyes as much as she could and started thinking. ‘’Because I’m in the army?’’

I nodded.

Lexa started getting frustrated and almost started crying. I had never seen her like this.

‘’Could you maybe just go to college or something and get her for me?’’

I frowned and shook my head.

‘’Lexa, I don’t think you understand. We’re not in college anymore.’’ I had a huge pain in my chest seeing her like this. So vulnerable.

Lexa sighed. ‘’No. I know. Shit. I keep forgetting. This is so fucking confusing.’’ She covered her eyes with her hands.

I nodded and all I wanted was to hold her, but I didn’t think she would allow me to do that. I thought a moment before telling her what I wanted.

‘’You’re not together with Costia either.’’ I almost whispered.

Lexa placed her hands on her lap and I could see the tears running down her face. I had really never seen her cry before which made me want to hold her even more.

‘’I- I’m sorry.’’ I said but I didn’t really know why I said it. Maybe to comfort her.

‘’But I love her.’’ Lexa said through her tears.

I wasn’t able to hold back my tears any longer and started crying silently.

Lexa looked up at me, confused and sad.

‘’What?’’ Lexa asked and sniffed.

I shrugged and tried to stop crying.

‘’You don’t remember me.’’

Lexa looked confused again.

‘’We’re roommates.’’

I needed a moment to catch my breath and cleaned my face with my hands. So did Lexa. Then I gave her a broken smile.

‘’We’re much more than that now.’’ I told her.

Lexa shook her head and frowned.

I took off my ring from my finger and handed it over to Lexa. She carefully grabbed it and took a look at it.

‘’You and I, we’re getting married.’’ My voice broke again because when I heard myself saying it, I wasn’t so sure anymore of us getting married.  

Lexa remained silent for a very long time. I felt so weird and sad and tired all at once that I just remained silent as well.

‘’This is my mom’s ring. How’d you get that?’’ She whispered. ‘’This isn’t real. I don’t even want to get married.’’ Lexa mumbled after.

‘’Lexa-‘’

‘’No.’’ She interrupted. ‘’You don’t have the right to wear this.’’

This was maybe even worse than I expected. I expected that she didn’t even remember me, but now she did. And all she remembered was being in love with Costia and hating me.

Before I got the chance to answer, Anya came through the door all smiley. Her expression immediately changed when she saw Lexa and me tearing up again.

‘’Anya, oh my god.’’ Lexa breathed out.

Anya smiled again and went to hug her. I watched them and noticed Lexa’s expression change immediately from sad to happier.

‘’I’m so happy to see you. How are you doing?’’ Anya said, almost crying.

‘’Fine I guess. What are you doing here?’’ Lexa asked.

Anya sat down next to me.

‘’I’m here to see you dumbass.’’ She laughed and sniffed at once.

Lexa closed her eyes and started thinking again. It really seemed like thinking was hurting her. Probably because Anya was traveling around the world for a year when Lexa was in college and she couldn’t remember Anya came back.

Then Anya spoke. ‘’You don’t remember I moved to the same city as you, do you?’’

Lexa shook her head. Anya gave me a sad look before turning to Lexa again.

Then it looked like it hit Anya and turned back to me, eyes wide.

I shook my head because I knew what she wanted to say.

Anya cleared her throat.

‘’So, you don’t remember anything?’’ Anya asked Lexa.

I brought my knuckles to cover my mouth in case I started crying.

Lexa put on her hurtful thinking face again, eyes closed. ‘’I don’t really know. Clarke just said we’re engaged but I can’t believe it.’’

‘’Well-’’ Anya didn’t know what to say and just tried to laugh it off.

‘’Do you know where Costia is?.’’ Lexa asked Anya. Then she looked at me and at this point I knew I couldn’t hold myself together anymore.

‘’Excuse me.’’ I stood up, tears rushing down my face and walked outside to get some air.

I heard Anya calling my name but I just kept walking. I just needed to be alone right now.

But when I turned around, still in the hallway, Anya was there and immediately embraced me.

I couldn’t do anything else than cry my eyes out because right now, my heart was hurting so much.

‘’Clarke, I’m so sorry. I didn’t even know this could happen.’’ Anya petted my back while I continued weeping.

I buried my head in her neck and just wanted to not be here. I wanted to be asleep or something so that I wasn’t able to feel all the pain.

After a long two minutes, I started to calm down. It felt like I had run out of tears ‘cause of the last couple of months.

Anya broke our contact to reach for my hands and held them for a while. I could see she was having a hard time holding back her tears.

‘’You wanna come back inside?’’ She carefully asked.

But I really didn’t. I just wanted to be alone for a while. Let it sink in.

‘’N- Not right now.’’ I stuttered.

‘’Let me take you home. You can’t drive like this.’’ Anya proposed.

I wanted to drive home myself but I knew she was more right than ever so I just nodded.

Our car ride was silent. I had been looking through the window the whole time so Anya wouldn’t start talking, ‘cause one more word and I would probably start crying again.

When we almost arrived at our- I guess I mean my home, Anya started talking anyway.

‘’You’re gonna be okay? You want me to stay with you?’’

I shook my head and smiled a little. ‘’I just want to be alone for a while.’’ My voice sounded like I had just woken up.

Anya nodded in understanding and took me in her arms.

‘’Thank you.’’ I whispered in her ear.

‘’That’s what family’s for.’’ Anya answered and I tried to hold back my tears again.

‘’We’re probably not going to be family anymore.’’ I said while breaking the hug.

Anya shook her head. ‘’You’ll always be family to me. No matter what.’’

I gave her a sad smile. I was so thankful I had a person like her in my life.

I nodded and tried to smile before walking to the front door. I’d have to call my boss in the morning to tell him I won’t be able to work tomorrow. I had other things on my mind right now.

 

\----

 

_‘’I don’t know what your problem is.’’  I began. ‘’I haven’t done anything to harm you.’’_

_‘’You moving in here is already harming enough.’’ Lexa said after throwing herself on the bed._

_She had just been over to Costia’s room, which was really peaceful for me. But now that she was back, I didn’t know what to do. She was driving me nuts._

_She spoke again. ‘’I just don’t want a roommate. It’s not that hard to understand.’’_

_‘’Oh my god, are we still doing this? After two months?’’_

_Lexa ignored my question and continued. ‘’Oh and your pretty ex-boyfriend can’t come over anymore. Neither can your friends.’’_

_I fucking swear… This girl was gonna fly out of the window thanks to my own bare hands one day._

_‘’As long as Costia’s here, right? And your friends. Oh but wait, I don’t think you have any friends, ‘cause everyone’s afraid of you.’’_

_Lexa remained silent and after a while she smiled wide. Then she even started laughing._

_‘’Look at you. I’ve turned you into a monster.’’ Lexa laughed a bit more. ‘’I’m even kind of proud.’’_

_I cleared my throat and shook my head. I really needed to calm down a bit. Even Lexa didn’t deserve this._

_I sat down next to her on her bed. All I got was a really confused look from Lexa’s face._

_I folded my hands in my lap._

_‘’I’m sorry, I didn’t mean that.’’_

_Lexa scoffed. ‘’It’s okay, I’m used to it.’’_

_I don’t know why, but my heart broke a little when I heard her say it._

_I gave her a sad smile._

_‘’You’re not that bad.’’ I admitted._

_I earned a little smile from Lexa’s lips._

_‘’Yeah I am. I just-’’ She let out a deep sigh._

_I raised my eyebrows saying she could continue._

_‘’Never mind.’’ Lexa said and threw her shoes off._

_I watched them hit the ground and then heard Lexa sigh again._

_‘’Alright your friends are acceptable, but if I see Finn coming near this room, I’ll throw him out myself.’’ She continued._

_I grimaced._

_‘’Why do you have a problem with him?’’_

_‘’Because.’’_

_I raised an eyebrow and let the conversation go._

_‘’Well, last night we just talked for the last time so, no more Finn around here.’’_

_‘’Good.’’ She gazed at me and then sighed again. ‘’Asshole.’’ She mumbled loud enough for me to hear._

_I smiled._

_‘’You don’t even know him.’’ I laughed._

_Lexa scoffed. ‘’I do. I see the way he’s treating you.’’_

_I scoffed and stood to sit behind my desk again._

_‘’Heads up.’’ I heard behind me and turned around._

_Before I knew it, Lexa threw me something and luckily, I caught it._

_‘’Thanks for your pen.’’ She said._

_I let out a laugh. ‘’Wow, I did not expect you still having it.’’ I admitted._

_Lexa smiled a little smug. ‘’I guess I’m full of surprises.’’_

\----   


I hadn’t closed an eye last night and was even more tired than I was yesterday. I had been crying and overthinking everything all night long. I decided to go to the hospital a little later and try sorting some things out with Lexa.

I looked at our closet. Her clothes, my clothes. I decided to bring some of her clothes with me for her. Comfy clothes.

When I arrived at the hospital it was 9:17 am. I was only hoping she would be awake by now.

I carefully opened the door to her room to find her sleeping in her bed. I sat down making sure I made no noise at all and took my time to look at her from head to toe. She looked so peaceful. Still beautiful. So much like herself. Like nothing was wrong with her. Well, except for the bruises and bandages.

I stared a few minutes at her and then finally she blinked twice and opened her eyes. Her eyes widened immediately when she saw me sitting on the chair right next to her bed and tried to sit up a little bit straighter.

‘’Woah what’re you doing here?’’ She mumbled in the cutest morning voice I had ever heard. I could forget so easily that this wasn’t normal to her, me being around her.

‘’Morning.’’ I chuckled.

Lexa cleared her throat.

‘’You want something to drink?’’ I stood up after Lexa slowly nodded. ‘’Sorry I just barged in like this. Thought you would be awake already.’’ I gave her a glass of water and sat down again on my lonely chair.

Lexa took a few sips and then shrugged.

‘’I wasn’t.’’ Was all she said.

Ah. It felt like I was talking to eighteen-year-old Lexa again.

I nodded.

Silence.

Lexa took a few more sips from her water as silent as possible.

‘’Did you sleep well?’’ I asked.

Lexa gave me a slightly arrogant look and then nodded.

‘’Good.’’ I said.

Silence again.

‘’So-‘’

‘’I’m sorry I can’t do this.’’ Lexa interrupted.

I stared at her for a while, watching her sigh.

‘’I barely know you. Don’t want to.’’

I bit my cheek from the inside.

‘’That’s not-‘’

‘’In my memory.’’ Lexa continued.

I nodded in understanding.

‘’I know.’’ I breathed out. I had no idea what to say. She was right, she didn’t know me. But I knew her. And I wasn’t going to give up.

I grabbed her clothes from my bag. ‘’These are yours.’’ I put them next to her bed on the floor but Lexa shook her head.

‘’No need. Anya has clothes for me.’’

I looked up at her.

‘’You’re staying with Anya?’’ I asked a little disappointed.

Lexa nodded.

‘’Well, when is that?’’ I asked again, trying to pull information out of her.

‘’Don’t know.’’

‘’Lexa, talk to me.’’ I finally said desperately. ‘’Just tell me what you know.’’

I saw Lexa got a little embarrassed and let out a deep sigh. ‘’I can go home tomorrow after they take off my neck brace.’’ She explained. ‘’And since Costia is nowhere to find and trust me, I’ve tried anything, I’m staying with Anya.’’

I only nodded. Grateful that she wasn’t going to stay with Costia. ‘’Thank you.’’ I frowned. ‘’That wasn’t so hard, right?’’ I smiled a bit.

Lexa kept her emotionless face and looked to the end of her bed.

I really didn’t know what else to say. I felt her slipping away from me more and more every single second I was here in this room with her. It was a feeling I had experienced before, but a little different this time.

‘’I’m sorry.’’ I said after an uncomfortable silence.

Lexa turned to me and frowned.

‘’This must be hard and weird for you.’’ I scoffed. Lexa looked at my lips and then back to my eyes again.

‘’You wake up and you hear that you’re suddenly in the army, you broke a couple of bones, you’re engaged but not to the one you loved who is nowhere to find.’’ My voice sounded rough. Like I’d been drinking all night long. Probably ‘cause the lack of sleeping.

Lexa gave me a slightly sad smile. At least it was a smile, but it didn’t last too long.

‘’Hey, can I do anything for you? To make you more comfortable? You can consider me as a friend, alright?’’ I continued. I sure as hell wanted to be more than friends, but maybe for now it was best if we became at least friends.

Lexa only shook her head and then we were faced with a painful silence again.

‘’Alright.’’ I said after a while. ‘’Can you please tell me what you remember? From college?’’ I decided to ask away, ‘cause she wasn’t going to talk anyway if I wasn’t going to say anything.

Lexa slightly rolled her eyes and sighed.

‘’I don’t really know. I know you moved into my room like a month ago or something. Is that what you wanna know?’’

I shrugged. ‘’Sure. As long as you keep talking.’’ I tried with a little smile. I was not ready to give up on her yet.

I saw Lexa scoff silently.

‘’You don’t remember why you and Costia broke up?’’

Lexa squeezed her eyes together. ‘’Don’t say that. We didn’t.’’

I kinda felt bad for her, I had to admit.

‘’It’s okay. As a friend I’d say that you’re better off without her.’’

‘’Yeah well, also as a fiancée you’d say that.’’ Lexa laughed sarcastically.

I had missed her laugh. ‘’Wait, you’re right.’’ I smiled a little and so did she. Then she turned to me.

‘’So… you said we’re engaged.’’

I nodded. Finally she was talking.

‘’For how long?’’ She continued asking.

‘’For about six months.’’

‘’Oh, so not that long. And we’re together for how long you said?’’

I knew I could get her to talk to me. I’d done it once. Even twice. I could do it again. I just had to keep the conversation going and make inappropriate comments. That was the key to Lexa’s heart, everyone.

I smiled. ‘’Six years.’’

I saw Lexa do the math.

‘’Pretty long. So… we did, you know, the do?’’ Her tone was jokingly.

I burst out into laughter. ‘’No, we’re waiting till we get married.’’ I rolled my eyes. ‘’Of course we slept together.’’

Lexa had a proud look on her face, I could tell.

‘’Nice.’’

‘’It sure is. Was.’’ I corrected myself.

Lexa bit her lip. ‘’But if that’s not the reason for getting married, what is? I can’t imagine I, Lexa Woods, would propose, ever.’’

I snorted. ‘’You, Lexa Woods, said and these were really your words, that you wanted to get married so you could become fat.’’

Lexa’s smile disappeared but mine for sure didn’t.

‘’You’re joking.’’ She said.

I rolled my eyes again. ‘’Yes, I’m joking.’’ I laughed and she sighed out of relief. ‘’I guess you kinda liked me, you know? And I happened to like you back.’’

Lexa let out a laugh again but then her smile disappeared again.

‘’At least you’re funny. Didn’t know that.’’ Lexa admitted.

I gave her a grin.

‘’Then you don’t know a lot about me.’’

Lexa shook her head and looked down to her hands. I could see she was wearing my engagement ring. Which wasn’t mine anymore anyway. We remained silent for a while, Lexa still looking at her mother’s ring.

‘’All craziness aside, this is fucked up.’’ Lexa finally said. ‘’I don’t even know who I am anymore.’’

‘’Sure you do. You haven’t changed that much.’’ I tried.

Lexa shook her head. ‘’I’m getting married to someone I didn’t even sociably like since two seconds ago.’’

‘’Then we’re getting there.’’ I said jokingly.

Lexa gave me a sad grin and looked down to the ring again.

‘’I’m sorry. You must understand I’m not in love with you. I know it sounds harsh-‘’

‘’No, yeah, I get it.’’ I tried to smile through the words but all I felt was an empty hole in my heart.

I closed my eyes and started thinking about the very last time I saw Lexa a few months ago. It was Christmas as you already knew and we just got engaged. Probably the best day of my life. That evening was amazing. Now I can barely remember how to feel happy like that again. I mean, I wasn’t even in the picture to Lexa. She wanted Costia. Not her annoying roommate.

‘’I hope I’m not interrupting.’’ All of a sudden we heard a female voice behind us. We looked at her and after a moment it hit us both.

‘’Costia.’’ Lexa widened her eyes and smiled wide from ear to ear.

‘’Hey there, army girl.’’ She walked towards us and grabbed herself a chair. She hadn’t change a single bit since I last saw her in college.

I speechlessly watched her as she took a seat right next to me. What was she doing here?

Whether it was because Lexa was finally smiling genuinely or Costia showing up out of nowhere, I felt really messed up at the moment.

‘’Hi, Clarke.’’ Costia said almost embarrassed.

‘’Costia, hi. What is going on?’’ I wanted an explanation as soon as possible. I saw Lexa sat up straight immediately, disappointed Costia hadn’t jumped her right here right now.

Costia laughed a little. ‘’I got a call from your doctor, Abby I believe. She explained how many times you asked about me, so I decided to see how you were doing.’’ Costia looked from Lexa to me.

Of course my mom called her. I should’ve known. But how could she? After everything I’ve already been through. Losing Lexa was already terrible enough.

Lexa let out a little laugh. ‘’I’m so glad you’re finally here.’’ Lexa said in the soft voice she would always use on me.

I was feeling a little left out here so I decided to talk.

‘’So, just to clear things up here, Costia: Lexa doesn’t remember a thing from years ago. That includes your break up.’’

Lexa gave me an annoyed look.

‘’Ah, right.’’ Costia looked shyly at her feet.

‘’Well, last thing I remember was you being my girlfriend.’’ Lexa laughed a little.

Costia looked up at her again. ‘’That’s unfortunate.’’

Lexa’s smile disappeared. ‘’Is that so.’’

‘’Lexa, after you broke up with me, twice, I moved on. I’m seeing someone else, you know?’’ Costia shrugged dissapointed.

I saw Lexa’s tiny hopeful thoughts falling apart in less than 2 seconds. It kind of broke my heart, which was weird. It’s not like I was rooting for the two of them getting back together.

Lexa nodded. ‘’I’m sorry. I didn’t know.’’ Was all she said.

Costia shook her head. ‘’It’s okay. Sorry you had to find out like this.’’

Lexa shook her head. I could tell she was hurt. ‘’Who is it?’’

Costia shrugged. ‘’You don’t know her, but, her name is Luna.’’

Lexa nodded.

Luna. Why did that sound familiar?

‘’I should probably go. I just wanted to check in on you. Make sure you were okay.’’ Costia said.

Lexa nodded again and gave her a sad smile before looking at her ring again. ‘’I am.’’

‘’Good.’’

‘’Hey, maybe we can hang out sometime? You know, catch up.’’ Lexa proposed.

Oh my god, no. Why was she like this? Did she forget at all I was here in the same room?

Costia let out a breath and an awkward laugh at the same time and then locked eyes with me.

I forgot my face was saying ‘don’t touch my woman or I’ll throw you off a bridge’. Costia noticed my face was saying that and looked away from me to Lexa.

‘’We’ll see. You get better soon first.’’ Costia locked our eyes again and stood up to leave.

I walked her outside on the hallway after Lexa saying goodbye politely and so did Costia. In the hallway Costia turned around to face me.

‘’Now you know how I felt when I lost her. When she chose you over me.’’ Was the first thing she said. It kinda threw me off guard.

‘’You did that yourself after cheating on her.’’ I answered immediately out of shock.

‘’That was in college. I meant when you two broke up. When Lexa was already in the army. She finally came back to me after seven months and she just broke up with me so she could be with you. You know how stupid I felt? How used I felt?’’ I could see the tears in her eyes and she was raising her voice now.

She let out a deep sigh.

‘’I’ve always wanted to take revenge on you, you know? But now karma is doing that for me. I’ve hated you for so long.’’

‘’Costia, you know this isn’t fair. You’ve gotta stop blaming me. It was Lexa’s choice, too.’’

Costia stared at me in silence.

Then I dropped the question I knew would make me terribly vulnerable.

‘’You’re not going to meet up with her, are you?’’

Costia laughed silently.

‘’You bet your ass I am.’’ She said and immediately walked away.

‘’What about your girlfriend?’’ I shouted after her walking away but she didn’t give attention to it. Other than other people and doctors on the hallway who were now staring at me.

I embarrassedly walked back into Lexa’s room and went to sit down on my chair again. I gave Lexa a little smile.

‘’What did she say?’’ She asked me.

‘’Nothing much.’’ I lied.

Lexa nodded once and let out an uncomfortable sigh. I had to be a friend to her right now. It was the only option for maybe winning her over.

‘’Sorry she’s already taken.’’ I started. Lexa looked at me in confusion.

‘’I mean, I can tell you’re hurt.’’

Lexa rolled her eyes.

‘’Stop pretending like you know me.’’ She said and rolled over to let me face her back.

It felt like no matter how hard I tried, I wasn’t trying hard enough.  


\----

_My mom always thought I was going to end up with Finn. She liked him better for me, he was ‘’the total package’’. So total that even violence was included in our relationship. My mom knew about him using his hands too often towards me, in a violent way, but she still liked him. Anyway, I guess lately she was ‘trying’ to like Lexa even though she didn’t like the idea of her being in the army and leaving me behind every time._

_I promised my mom I would come over with Christmas to meet her boyfriend Marcus, so here we were on the second day. Tired as hell from last night, but here we were._

_After a while the four of us started eating in silence._

_‘’This is really great.’’ I broke the awkward silence, pointing at the dish in front on me._

_Lexa nodded heavily and Marcus agreed, too._

_‘’Thank you.’’ She turned to Lexa._

_‘’How’s the food in the army, Lexa?’’_

_Lexa swallowed her food before answering._

_‘’Not as good as this of course. We don’t get much either.’’ She shook her head. ‘’But it’s better than nothing.’’_

_Everyone including me stared at Lexa in silence. I sometimes wish we could switch our lives for a day or two so she could catch a break for once. Lexa stared back at me and smiled gently. Probably because I unconsciously gave her a sad look._

_‘’So you’re going to be in the army forever? Leave my daughter behind?’’ My mom continued. Before I could speak, Lexa cleared her throat._

_‘’No ma’am. I’m getting out as soon as I can so I can be with Clarke, because I want to be with her.’’ Lexa smiled a little and my mom just continued eating. I think my heart just melted a little._

_Then I felt a warm hand resting on my leg. I inhaled deeply the moment I felt her soft touch and kept a straight face while listening to my mom talking about this and that. But I noticed my mom glanced down to where Lexa’s hand was resting on my leg and stopped a moment before continuing to tell her story, locking our eyes alternately. I felt Lexa very slowly move towards my center which made my breath irregular for a few seconds._

_I didn’t care what my mom thought about us. Truth is, I’m happy that Lexa was here with me now. I carefully brought my free hand to Lexa´s on my leg and intertwined our fingers, stopping her before she would make another dangerous movement. I placed our hands on my lap and felt Lexa playing with my ring._

_Lexa and I both agreed we wanted to tell my mom today that we were engaged. We also both knew she wasn’t going to be happy about it._

_‘’So, we have some news for you.’’ I exchanged looks with my mom and Marcus._

_I felt Lexa squeeze my hand a little._

_My mom sat up straight and had a serious look on her face._

_I locked eyes with Lexa who was smiling again. Then I let go of her hand and showed my hand to my mom and Marcus._

_They both remained silent for a few seconds, not knowing what to say._

_‘’Lexa proposed.’’ I said smiling._

_Silence._

_‘’No. No, you didn’t.’’ My mom said in shock. ‘’Why?’’ She continued._

_Lexa cleared her throat and answered. ‘’Because I love her.’’ She said in an obvious tone._

_‘’But you’re always away.’’ My mom said._

_‘’We’re aware of that. But we’ll figure it out.’’ I said._

_Lexa let out a little smile and looked shyly down to her plate. She was adorable._

_Lexa intertwined our fingers again in my lap and I couldn’t help but smile eagerly from ear to ear. I really wanted to kiss her, but I didn’t. Not until we arrived home which would end up in not only kissing. I didn’t really care anymore about my mom’s reaction or anyone else’s. All that mattered was that I was going to spend the rest of my life with her. My love._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the late update... I was really busy. Hang in there, I'll update again next week!


	6. Chapter 6

Yesterday evening Lexa came home at Anya's. I decided to not go see her yesterday and not choke her in my attention. I may or may not have called my mom yesterday to ask how Lexa was doing, but all I got was: Finn is doing much better. So I decided to not call her anymore and see Lexa for myself in a few minutes.

 When I arrived at Anya's place, Lexa was asleep in the bedroom which gave Anya and me a chance to catch up.

 "She's exactely like she was in middle school and college. She's just driving me nuts oh my god." Anya whispered, making sure Lexa couldn't hear us if she'd be awake.

 I did my best not to laugh 'cause I could see Anya was already tired of her behaviour.

 "I know. I've noticed." 

"Please let her fall in love with you as soon as you can so she can move in with you again and stop annoying me." Anya said while throwing herself on the couch.

 I let out a laugh. It had only been 1 day since Lexa got here.

 "What annoys you?" I asked.

 "What doesn't?" Anya breathed out. "She's just so bitter all the time."

 I raised my eyebrows. "Tell me about it. That used to be my roommate, everyone." I said to lighten up the mood.

 Anya scoffed. "I can't imagine you fell for that. Who would fall for that?" Anya laughed.

 I shrugged smiling and lifted my arm in the air. "Me." 

 Anya laughed.

 "But seriously, you two need to get back together. Not just for my sake, but for everybody's sake."

 I scoffed. If only it were that easy.

 "Not for Costia's sake." 

"Screw Costia. I already put her in her place."

 That caught my attention.

 "What do you mean?" I asked curiously.

 "She came by last night here. Told her Lexa was asleep and sent her away. Told her to never come back again. How did she found out where I live? I don't know. I don't want to sound untrustworthy, but didn't your mom call Costia when Lexa was in the hospital? She must've given her my address as well."

 I let out a deep sigh and covered my eyes with one hand. This freakin-

 "Bitch. She told me she was going to meet up with Lexa again. And my mom... She's just not on my side unfortunately."

 "Yeah well, I am on your side and Costia isn't coming near my sister again. I don't care if Lexa thinks she loves her. She's not worth it." 

 I gave her a thankful smile.

 "We're all on your side, Clarke. You know, Lexa and I had a good talk yesterday. About her attitude.’’

 Before I could answer, Lexa came walking on crutches towards us. Poor thing.

 Lexa’s hair was tied up in a messy bun. She was wearing some sweatpants and a big red sweater which I sometimes wore. I guess she took the clothes I gave her after all.

 "Clarke." Lexa said while sitting down.

 "Lexa, you look better already." She really did. She had freshen up a lot since 2 days ago. 

 I earned the tiniest smile from Lexa's lips. "I'm not."

 I inhaled sharply. Yep, her attitude hadn’t changed at all in a day.

 "I brought you some chocolate. To make you feel better." I grabbed the chocolate out of my bag. I knew this was Lexa's favorite chocolate bar.

 "Yeah, chocolate won't cure me."

 Before I could answer Anya opened her mouth.

 "You calm down sis. Clarke only means well. She's not the enemy here."

 I remained silent while I saw Lexa looking a little embarrassed.

 Lexa let out a sigh. "No I know. I'm sorry, Clarke. I didn't mean it like that. Thank you for the chocolate." She said in her most vulnerable voice. 

 It was so weird seeing her be so distant from me. Especially 'cause we were always so close.

 "No worries." I said but yes worries. I was worried that I couldn’t get her to like me again like she used to.

 Lexa gave me a genuine grin. Okay maybe no worries. Her beautiful curled lip when she smiled was enough for me to forgive her for anything.

 I saw Anya roll her eyes towards Lexa but she didn't notice.

 Lexa carefully grabbed the chocolate from my hands and took a long look at it.

 I smiled. I could tell Lexa was trying to be nice. "You used to love this. It's why I bought it. But, you know, maybe you don't like it anymore which is cool-"

 "Clarke, it's fine." Lexa laughed. Finally a laugh towards me. "I'm sure I'll like it."

 I smiled and gave her a nod.

 I turned to Anya.

 "How's Raven? Haven't seen her in a while." I asked.

 Anya gave me a long silent look and then Lexa started talking.

 "So what's Raven like?" Lexa asked me.

 I turned to Lexa.

 "You haven't met her yet?"

 Lexa shook her head. "Anya didn't let me. Yet."

 "Let's take it step by step, alright." Anya said.

 Lexa rolled her eyes.

 "Is she good to you?" Lexa asked.

 I laughed. I had heard this question before.

 ‘’Oh my god.’’ Anya breathed out but we ignored her.

 "Yes." I began. "She’s a good friend of ours. Or just mine, I guess. But you two were really hitting it off the first time you met."

 "I doubt that. She doesn't even let me meet her." Lexa said.

 "Yeah, 'cause you're bitter." Anya said.

 Lexa rolled her eyes. "I'm not." She immediately said in protest.

 We all remained silent for a while.

 "Am I?" Lexa asked us.

 I remained silent but Anya sure didn't. 

"Oh yeah." 

I heard Lexa swallow loud and clear and then remained silent for a long time. I felt bad now.

 ‘’You’re not that bad.’’ I told her.

 ‘’Yeah, I know I am. I just-‘’ Lexa sighed. ‘’Never mind.’’

 ‘’What?’’ I asked.

 ‘’Nothing.’’

 ‘’Lexa, I’m so tired, talk.’’ Anya sighed.

 ‘’No.’’ Lexa said again.

 ‘’Lexa!’’ Anya shouted.

 Lexa and I both looked in shock at Anya by her overreaction. We could see Anya was kind of mad by her widened eyes and the vein in her neck pulsing.

 Anya cleared her throat. ‘’Please. Just tell us what’s wrong. We’re family.’’

 Lexa remained silent for a little bit, still kind of in shock. Then she let out a sigh she was holding all this time. ‘’Not that it’s any of your business but I think I’m just overwhelmed by everything.’’

 Now I felt even worse. Sure she didn’t treat us the way she used to, but she shouldn’t be sorry for something that wasn’t her fault.

 ‘’What’s on your mind?’’ Anya continued.

 ‘’Just leave me be.’’ Lexa said annoyed.

 ‘’We want to help.’’ Anya said.

 Lexa scoffed again. ‘’I don’t need your help.’’

 Anya raised her eyebrows and she looked furious.

 Lexa let out the deepest sigh ever. ‘’Okay, sure. You really want to know?’’ Lexa asked.

 ‘’Yes!’’ Anya shouted again and then cleared her throat.

 Lexa let out a laughable sigh. ‘’I’m just thinking about Costia all the time. It sucks that I can’t be with her. I’m really trying to get over it but it’s pretty hard. I’m also thinking about what my life was like with you.’’ She pointed at me. ‘’What happened and stuff.’’

 Man, I didn’t want to know this.

 ‘’Costia cheated on you. Now continue.’’ Anya said careless. I widened my eyes. I didn’t want to tell Lexa that because that wasn’t up to me, but Anya had other plans.

 ‘’She did?’’ Lexa said in unbelieve.

 ‘’Twice. You didn’t know?’’ Anya asked and Lexa only shook her head. Anya looked at me. ‘’You haven’t told her?’’

 I shook my head.

 ‘’Why?’’ She asked.

 ‘’It’s not my call.’’ I answered and I felt Lexa’s eyes resting on me.

 Anya rolled her eyes. ‘’Why, she isn’t in her life anymore.’’

 I shrugged and opened my mouth to say something, but Lexa was first.

 ‘’No, that’s good.’’ She frowned and nodded.

 I smiled a little and looked awkwardly at my shoes.

 ‘’I need to talk to her.’’ Lexa said.

 ‘’I fucking dare you.’’ Anya warned her.

 ‘’It’s necessary. I want to hear her side of the story.’’

 ‘’Oh my god there is no other side. She cheated. End of story.’’ Anya said annoyed.

 Lexa remained silent again and then turned to me. ‘’Didn’t your boyfriend cheat on you, too? What was his name again?’’ Lexa started thinking.

 ‘’Yes, Finn. You remember?’’

 Lexa nodded. ‘’Asshole.’’ She mumbled.

 ‘‘Finally something in common.’’ Anya said.

 It was weird that Lexa remembered but I could roll with it.

 I tried laughing a little. ‘’You never liked him.’’

 Lexa nodded. ‘’Yeah, well.’’

 ‘’But why? You don’t know him.’’

 Lexa scoffed. ‘’I do. He wasn’t treating you right.’’

Sometimes, the things she said made me think about conversations we already had years ago.

‘’Yeah, well.’’ I shrugged. ‘’You helped me break up with him the second time.’’

 ‘’Second time? I helped you?’’ Lexa asked confused.

 I looked at my watch. 1:34 am. ‘’Yes. I’ll tell you another time. I promised Octavia I would go have lunch with her in a few minutes.’’

 ‘’Cliffhanger.’’ Anya said in a scary voice.

 Lexa scoffed. ‘’Alright then.’’

 I stood up and so did Anya. She hugged me goodbye when Lexa tried standing up, too, but she had some trouble with her crutches.  

 ‘’Oh, no. You don’t have to stand up.’’ I laughed but before I knew it, she was already up.

 ‘’I’m good.’’ She said. ‘’Thanks for coming, Clarke.’’ She sounded genuine this time.

 I smiled and gave her a quick nod. ‘’I’ll come visit you another day, okay?’’ Oops, should I have said that? I mean, it was no secret that I was gonna come over more times, right?

 Lexa just nodded.

 I stood there in front of her for a while, wanting to hug her goodbye as well, but I didn’t. Instead I just smiled one last time before awkwardly turning around to the front door to leave.

 I really needed some Octavia advice right now.

 

\----

 

_I didn’t know why but the way she was sitting on my bed in front of me with a book in her lap, her hair tied up, sweatpants and a big red sweater was just really turning me on._

_Woah. I really needed to calm the fuck down. It’s Lexa we’re talking about. My lips revealed a smile._

_'_ _’You’re laughing at me.’’ Lexa said._

_‘’What? No.’’ I scoffed._

_‘’Oh really, you are loving this. It’s making you feel smart.’’ She whispered jokingly and came closer so to me so I could hear her a little better and feel her breath against my skin._

_I started laughing. ‘’Okay, maybe a tiny little bit.’’_

_Lexa rolled her eyes and tried to contain her smile. ‘’Well, I just don’t know and don’t care about photo-boringness and what sorts of chemistry terms belong with it.’’ She laughed out of desperation and threw her head backwards against my pillow._

_Lexa and I had been studying together the last couple of weeks. Since her break up with Costia she had more time studying and asked me if she wanted to help her with it. I decided to give it a try and I’ve got to say, I wasn’t disappointed at all. She was dedicated and I was actually having fun with her. With Lexa. I also just enjoyed looking at her when she put on her adorably thinking face every time I asked her a difficult question. Sometimes she would also curl her lip when she was concentrating hard enough. My thoughts made me smile again._

_‘’You’re laughing at me again.’’ Lexa said without a smile._

_‘’Lexa, not the whole world revolves around you.’’ I said jokingly._

_‘’Ugh, it should be.’’ She smiled._

_I rolled my eyes and laughed. ‘’No it shouldn’t. What about me?’’ I joked._

_‘’I think the world would be a better place if it revolved around you.’’ Lexa and I remained silent. Did she just-?_

_‘’So that’d be kinda boring.’’ She continued joking._

_Of course she wasn’t flirting. Like I had a chance with her._

_I laughed, grabbed my other pillow and hit her once. Or twice. Lexa started laughing and grabbed the pillow her head was resting on to gently hit me back._

_’’I will stop studying with you.’’ I said annoyed._

_Lexa immediately stopped the pillow fight and laid her head on the pillow again. Grabbing my arms so I would stop hitting my pillow in her face. Her hands were always so warm. A nice kind of warm.  Her arms were strong and welcoming and her fingers were thin, long and soft. Not that we would always touch each other or anything, but sometimes we accidently did._

_‘’Alright, if that’s what it takes, I’ll stop.’’ She said more serious._

_‘’You really want to pass, don’t you?’’_

_‘’Not really. I’m here because my aunt wants to.’’ She let go of my arms and I laid down right next to her, already missing the contact of our skin. We both looked at the ceiling._

_‘’What do you want?’’ I asked._

_Lexa smiled. ‘’I want to be in the army.’’_

_I turned my head to Lexa and she turned her head to me._

_‘’You’re kidding.’’_

_I earned a smile from her lips. She did that so more often lately. She was like a way more fun person without Costia._

_She shook her head. ‘’It’s always been what I wanted. To fight for my country.’’ She gently bit her lip which made me stare a little too long at it. I think Lexa noticed because she started smiling wide._

_‘’But you want to pass this first?’’ I quickly asked._

_Lexa shook her head. ‘’I’m really doing this for my aunt. But, I don’t mind studying with you.’’ She gave me a grin._

_Was she kidding again? Sometimes I could not read this girl at all._

_But she remained serious._

_I smiled a little and felt my cheeks turn red a bit. Why was I like this?_

_‘’Well, you know you’ve got to keep up because I can’t work with you if you don’t even know what photosynthesis means.’’ I joked._

_Lexa formed an ‘o’ with her mouth and frowned._

_‘’Come on, nobody knows what that means.’’ She protested._

_I burst out into laughter. ‘’Literally everyone knows what it means, Lexa.’’_

_Lexa started laughing, too._

_‘’Okay, alright. How about this? I’ll keep up with my studying and I will look up what photo-something means, and you give me something in return.’’ She said._

_I raised an eyebrow. ‘’A good grade?’’_

_‘’No.’’ Lexa laughed. For weeks I hadn’t hear her laugh, but now that I had, the tender sound had become my new addiction. ‘’My teacher will give me a good grade, and you will give me good company.’’ She continued._

_I frowned. ‘’For what?’’_

_‘’For dinner.’’ She kept looking at me with a soft expression in her eyes. An expression I didn’t even know she had in her._

_I chuckled out of embarrassment. ‘’What, you need a fake date or something for your family gathering?’’_

_‘’No fake date. No family gathering. I just want to have dinner with you.’’ She did the soft smiling again and I was absolutely sold._

_I cleared my throat before answering._

_‘’Unless, you don’t want to of course.’’ She immediately said._

_I widened my eyes. ‘’No, no, I do. I do want to.’’ I breathed out. Did I sound too excited? Too desperate?_

_Lexa smiled wide again and I couldn’t help but smile back at her._

_‘’But,’’ I began seriously. ‘’Only if you keep up your studying.’’_

_Lexa let out a laugh and nodded._

_‘’I already am, miss Griffin.’’ She bit her lip again and smiled one last time before sitting up straight to grab her book. She sat down in the exact same position as in the beginning with a book in her lap and I didn’t notice I was smiling from ear to ear again._

_‘’You’ve got to stop laughing at me.’’ Lexa laughed._

_Maybe the whole world should revolve around her._

\----

‘’So, she’s all about Costia, huh?’’ Octavia took a bite from her sandwich.

I nodded and continued chewing mine.

‘’And I’m all about her. It’s what you do when you’re in love.’’

Octavia pouted and sighed.

‘’So what are you gonna do?’’ She asked me, taking another bite.

I shrugged. ‘’I don’t know. Hope she gets her memory back?’’ I asked.

‘’Wrong.’’ Octavia warned me. ‘’Go get your girl back. What happened to the old Clarke I knew?’’

I laughed a little and shrugged.

‘’What do you propose?’’

‘’Flirt with her. Ask her out on a date. Simple as that.’’

I burst into laughter. ‘’Are you crazy? I can barely get her to talk to me.’’

‘’What if you show her pictures of the two of you, or your engagement video? Anything?’’

‘’There is an engagement video?’’ I frowned.

‘’Oh crap, you weren’t supposed to know. But, yes there is.’’

I laughed. ‘’You’re so good at keeping secrets.’’

‘’Yeah yeah. Just show her, I’ll send it to you.’’

‘’I don’t know.’’ I sighed. ‘’Maybe it’ll scare her off.’’

‘’Clarke, try something. You can’t just stand here doing nothing.’’

She was right. But it was hard.

‘’I know. I hate feeling so powerless.’’

‘’Okay, what did Lexa love to do back in college?’’

I started thinking for a moment. I knew what she loved to do but that was unappropriated for now.

‘’She loved going to parties.’’

‘’Great, then let’s go out.’’

‘’She’s walking with crutches.’’

Octavia remained speechless.

‘’Fuck this sucks. Give me something else.’’

I chuckled. ‘’Um, she liked reading books when we studied together.’’

‘’Great! Go read together. It’s when you fell in love, right?’’

Silence.

‘’You know how stupid that sounds, right?’’

Octavia let out a deep sigh.

‘’I don’t know, but you can’t just stand here doing nothing.’’

‘’I know. You’re right.’’

‘’Then what are you waiting for?’’

I laughed. ‘’Okay, thanks for the motivational speech. I’ll go see her somewhere this week and I’ll ask her out or something. We’ll see.’’

Octavia gave me a big smile.

‘’You would be nothing without me.’’

\----

After dialing the number three times I finally heard life on the other end of the phone. A sigh.

‘’I don’t know how Lexa’s doing.’’ She said.

I rolled my eyes but realized she couldn’t see me. I hated this terrible bond between us. When I started dating Lexa my mom turned into almost a stranger to me. When I was with Finn we would act like best friends, but that was all fake apparently. If she couldn’t love me for who I was or who I was with, what was the point of bonding? I got tired a long time ago from trying and trying.

‘’I’m not calling to ask you that.’’ I sighed. ‘’Can you please just listen to me?’’ My voice was shaky ‘cause either way, it hurt. She was still my mom.

‘’I’m listening.’’

I took a deep breath.

‘’I know what you did.’’ I was trying to keep myself together. Luckily I was at home where nobody could see me.

She remained silent.

‘’For Costia. Calling her to come see Lexa. Giving her Anya’s address.’’ I tried not to stammer.

Silence again.

‘’Mom?’’ I panted.

‘’I’m here.’’

I puffed before continuing. I still tried to hold back my tears. I was having a hard time talking about this with my mom. She didn’t understand what she had done. That she had hurt me. And that was just making me so mad.

‘’It was you, wasn’t it?’’ I said in a shaky voice again.

She remained silent again for a while before answering.

‘’Yes.’’

‘’Why?’’ I immediately asked. It was no surprise, but it still sucked hearing it from her.

‘’Because. You know why, Clarke.’’

‘’No. No I don’t. Please explain so I can understand and maybe I will find a way not to hate you.’’

‘’Clarke-‘’ She let out a deep sigh and remained silent for a long time.

‘’I’m sorry. Is that what you want to hear?’’ She said.

Unbelievable.

‘’No. I knew this was a waste of time.’’

‘’No, Clarke, wait!’’ She quickly shouted. ‘’I didn’t know this would affect you that much. I didn’t know I hurt you.’’ She continued.

‘’Oh really? The fact that I lost the person I love is not heavy enough for you?’’ I breathed out shakily.

My mom sighed again. I swore I could hear a little sob from her.

‘’I know you don’t like her for some reason, but please, don’t rub it in my face. I’m just so tired.’’ I wiped away my tears. ‘’I need some support of you as my mom right now. Meaning you have to stop talking about how great Finn is for me and how great Costia is for Lexa.’’

‘’Honey, I’m sorry-‘’

‘’I love her, mom.’’ I sobbed. ‘’It hurts that she doesn’t feel the same way. That’s already punishment enough.’’

My mom’s voice was hesitating and shaky again.

‘’I didn’t realize how much she means to you.’’

I scoffed.

She whispered. ‘’You’re right, I don’t like Lexa. But to see you like this is much worse.’’

We both remained silent.

Thank god I said what I wanted to say. I calmed down a little and cleaned my face with my sleeve.

‘’We should continue this another time. When I see you again.’’

I nodded and answered because she couldn’t see me. ‘’Sure.’’

‘’For now, I will stay put. No more leaking addresses.’’ She tried to joke, but I knew what she meant.

I breathed out heavily through my nose. ‘’Thank you.’’

I cleaned up my face because I was going to see Lexa a little while later. It had been four days since I last saw her. I wanted to give her some space. But for now, I was already happy that I talked to my mom about this. Like a weight off my shoulders.

  
\----  
  


_I heard the door room close._

_‘’Woah.’’ I heard behind me._

_I turned around and was now facing Lexa._

_I smiled at the way her jaw had dropped._

_‘’What?’’ I laughed and zipped my heels._

_‘’You.’’ Lexa laughed shyly and put her hands in her pockets._

_‘’That dress. It’s beautiful. I mean, you are. You look- Beautiful.‘’ Lexa stammered and laughed._

_I walked up to her because I couldn’t hold my laugh anymore by how cute she was acting._

_‘’You nervous?’’ I asked while standing close to her. Her pretty green eyes was all I could focus on right now._

_Lexa let out a nervous laugh. ‘’Are you?’’_

_I shook my head but that was a lie. ‘’Why would I be?’’ I was joking but remained serious._

_Then I saw that my answer disappointed Lexa a little._

_‘’No, yeah. Why would you be.’’ She agreed and cleared her throat. ‘’I’m going to change, excuse me.’’_

_I sat down and waited for Lexa to come out of the bathroom. I grabbed my phone and saw all these protesting texts from Octavia and how much she did advised me to not go out with Lexa, but I ignored her. She didn’t know her like I did._

_Then after a few minutes she came out of the bathroom wearing black jeans with a blouse and a bomberjack. Not a beanie for once and her hair wasn’t tied up like always. Long story short: she looked incredibly hot._

_I didn’t notice my jaw had also dropped a little and Lexa smiled at the sight. Then she came closer to me so that I could see her dark green eyes again._

_‘’Wow. That’s- You look- You look nice.’’ I cleared my throat._

_Lexa laughed. ‘’Nervous, Griffin?’’_

_I let out an awkward laugh. ‘’Can we go?’’_

_Lexa smiled and took a step back to open the door. ‘’After you.’’_

_The restaurant was pretty fancy and I just wondered how we would be ever able to pay for this._

_‘’You like it?’’ Lexa asked pointing at my plate._

_I nodded heavily. ‘’This is amazing. How did you know about this place?’’_

_‘’My sister, Anya and I would always meet up here. But last time I saw her was almost a year ago.’’_

_‘’I didn’t even know you had a sister.’’ I frowned._

_Lexa nodded. ‘’Oh yeah, but she’s traveling around the world right now.’’_

_‘’Well, that’s cool.’’_

_Lexa sighed. ‘’I guess. I mean, it’s been long enough since she went away. Maybe it’s time for her to come back, you know?’’_

_‘’You miss her?’’ I sadly asked._

_Lexa gazed at me and smiled before continuing eating._

_She nodded. ‘’She’s my only family besides my aunt.’’_

_I frowned. ‘’Only family?’’_

_‘’Yes. Our parents passed away. Well, my parents did. She still has her own dad but he doesn’t want to see her or me. He was a dick anyway.’’_

_‘’Oh.’’ I did not expect this. She had never talked about this. ‘’I’m sorry. That must’ve been hard for you.’’_

_Lexa smiled sadly and nodded. ‘’So what about your parents?’’ She changed the conversation._

_I sighed. ‘’My mom and I are pretty close. My dad were, too, but then he died a few years ago in an accident at his job.’’_

_Lexa widened her eyes. ‘’God. I’m sorry. I know how you feel.’’_

_I stared at her for a while and got lost in her eyes again that were staring back at me._

_‘’You look really beautiful tonight.’’ Lexa said without hesitation. It caught me a little by surprise. ‘’I know I’ve stammered it before.’’ She laughed. ‘’But I meant it.’’_

_I smiled embarrassedly. ‘’Thank you.’’ She was doing things to me I had never experienced before._

_A little while later we walked back to campus, ‘cause it wasn’t that far back. Out of nowhere she put her hand on my waist. Probably ‘cause she noticed I was a little cold._

_‘’Is this okay?’’ She gently asked._

_I smiled at her and nodded. ‘’Yes.’’ I moved a little closer to her so that there was barely a gap left between us._

_It was a little weird knowing that she couldn’t walk me home and leave me there, so I didn’t really know what to do. Did I say goodbye? Goodnight? And then just pretend like nothing happened and go to sleep?_

_We entered our bedroom and I nervously took off my heels and jacket._

_I noticed Lexa staring at me and then she came closer._

_‘’I’ve been trying to figure out a proper way to end this night. But the truth is, I don’t want it to end.’’ She took another step towards me and our foreheads were almost touching._

_My heart started racing and I just smiled. I closed my eyes before staring a little too long at her lips._

_‘’Me neither.’’ I laughed._

_Lexa rested her forehead against mine and let out a comfortable sigh._

_‘’Can I kiss you?’’ She whispered._

_I let out a chuckle and whispered back. ‘’You don’t have to ask.’’_

_Lexa smiled and carefully moved in closer until she connected our lips._

_The moment we touched it felt like my body was on fire. Her full lips felt so welcoming and I was hungry for more. Our lips started working a little harder and I felt two strong hands around my waist pulling me closer. I put one of my hands on her cheek and rested the other one on her chest. She gently pushed me backwards till I was against the wall. I felt her smile through the kiss when my back touched the wall and that made me smile, too. The smacking noises of our lips filled the silent room until loud breaths were also involved. She was still kissing me very softly and gentle and her hands were caressing my waist, pulling me closer every second._

_After a long minute we both came up for air and rested our foreheads against each other’s again.  I felt her warm breath against me and when I opened my eyes I could see she was smiling. I smiled back again._

_‘’I still need to quiz you about photosynthesis, you know?’’ I joked._

_Silence._

_‘’Photosynthesis_ _is a process used by plants and other organisms to convert light_ _energy into_ _chemical energy_ _that can later be_ _released_ _to fuel the organisms' activities._ _This chemical energy is stored in carbohydrate molecules_ _, such as-‘’ She began without stammering._

_I interrupted her by bursting out into laughter and placed my hands behind her head in her neck._

_‘’You’re such a dork.’’ I said and couldn’t help but kiss her again. We were both smiling through the kiss and I was just really hoping that this night would never, ever end._

_Lexa came up for air and broke the kiss. ‘’If I tell you about the rest I know about photosynthesis, is there a chance I would be allowed to cuddle you while you fall asleep in my arms?’’ She smiled._

_She was so incredibly adorable._

_I laughed. ‘’You know more than what you just told me?’’_

_‘’Of course. I told you I would study.’’_

_‘’Then I believe you.’’ I grabbed her hand and led us to my bed where we quickly changed into our pajamas and then laid down._

_Lexa laughed again and cuddled me when I laid in her strong arms. She kissed my forehead and we laid in a comfortable silence. Until she started talking out of nowhere._

_''Did you know the first photosynthetic organisms probably evolved early in the evolutionary history of life and are most likely used to reducing agents such as hydrogen?''_

_I burst out into laughter again._

_‘’Okay, I get it. You’re smarter than I am.’’_

_Lexa laughed too._

_‘’Goodnight, Clarke.’’_

_‘’Goodnight, Lexa.’’_

 

\----

 

I listened to Octavia and went to see Lexa again after a few days ‘cause I didn’t want to be clingy. It wasn’t easy I had to admit.

When I got to the apartment, Lexa opened the door. I looked confused and so did she.

‘’Clarke, what are you doing here?’’

‘’I’m here to see you if that’s okay.’’

‘’Yeah, sure. Come in.’’ She said and I walked in. She seemed in a good mood today. Or maybe it was too early to judge.

‘’Where’s Anya?’’ I sat down on the couch followed by Lexa.

‘’Out. She went to get some groceries.’’

I nodded. I watched her putting her leg on the table to rest it.

‘’You okay?’’ I asked.

Lexa nodded. ‘’Yeah actually.’’

Well that was at first.

‘’Alright miss positive, how come?’’

Lexa smiled. ‘’You know, I actually didn’t want to tell you but I will do it anyway.’’

I raised my eyebrows and braced myself for what was coming.

‘’Costia came to see me last night.’’

My stomach dropped but Lexa immediately continued.

‘’Okay, first of all don’t worry, ‘cause I can already see the sadness in your eyes. Second of all Anya doesn’t know she came by so don’t tell her. Anya was out with Raven for a while and I invited her over.’’

I nodded carefully. Trying to stay calm.

‘’Something happened last night.’’ She began. ‘’I really thought I wanted to be with Costia, you know? And to be honest, we were having a great time yesterday. Just like the old days. But then something snapped in me. She started saying terrible things about Anya and you. And then she said that I cheated on her with you. That’s when I knew she was lying. ‘Cause I don’t cheat.’’ Lexa scoffed. 

I didn’t really know what to say. She was talking way too fast for me to say something. She was at least confident enough to assume she’s not a cheater.

‘’And then like I said, something snapped in me. She kissed me, without any warning. I knew she had a girlfriend and it felt wrong so I didn’t kiss her back at all. But not just because of that. Something inside of me woke up when our lips touched. It’s not that I remembered anything in images, but I remembered feelings. The way I felt back then when we broke up. When she was the one who cheated.’’ She let out a smiley sigh, like she had just discovered the world.

She just kept on rambling.

‘’It’s weird to explain.’’ She stammered. ‘’But the point is that I remember how I felt towards Costia which is hate and disappointment. I wish I could remember it in images, but all I get is feelings.’’

I widened my eyes. Maybe this was a good day after all.

‘’So, let me get this right. You remember things? Like not being in love with Costia?’’

Lexa laughed.

‘’I remember the feeling, yeah.’’

''Are you sure?'' I asked one last time.

''I'm sure.'' Lexa said smiling.

I smiled. I was starting to get my hopes up again.

‘’That’s good, right?’’ I asked carefully.

‘’I feel quite good about it, yeah. But it’s still weird.’’

Lexa was in her own small world at the moment.

‘’That’s amazing.’’ I smiled. ‘’I didn’t know that could happen.’’

Lexa gave me a grin. ‘’Me neither.’’

‘’So, you remember anything else?’’ I carefully asked.

Lexa shook her head. ‘’No, I’m sorry.’’

‘’No, it’s okay. I was just curious.’’ I smiled and then she smiled back. She already seemed different. Happier.

‘’I know you want me to remember more than just this, but to me this is already more than I ever expected. All these feelings. Out of nowhere.’’

I let out a little laugh. ‘’I know. I just want you to be okay.’’

I earned a gentle smile from her lips. ‘’Thanks.’’

The way she smiled genuine at me right now was everything. Suddenly I felt like we just grew closer in less than a minute.

‘’So then what happened? You didn’t kiss her back and then what?’’ I loved saying she didn’t kiss her back. I was also just really interested in this part.

Lexa scoffed. ‘’No, I didn’t. I couldn’t. I just pulled away the moment she aggressively kissed me.’’ She started laughing a little. ‘’And then I told her that it would be better if we remained friends or something. Not that that’s what I really want, but at least she knows that I’m not interested in her like that. Which really pissed her off by the way.’’

I tried containing my smile. A few days ago she was drooling over Costia and now she didn’t even want to be friends with her. This really pumped up my mood and what can I say, I really needed that right now.

I could barely believe it and let out a relieved breath.

One less problem to go.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'M SO SORRY I DIDN'T UPDATE EARLIER so here's two chapters.  
> The very next chapter is all flashback though of how Clexa got reunited.

__

_I was so done for tonight. But then again, I really didn’t want to go home to Finn. I had no intention at all having sleeping with him or something. But that wasn’t anything new. It’s not that he really forced me, I just didn’t feel anything when I was with him. On the other hand, I could never pay for my own place by myself while working here so I was glad I wasn’t the only one living in it and paying for our apartment._

_I let out a deep sigh when I saw some drunk people walking towards me. ‘’Can you give me three beer and a martini, darling?’’ A relatively old man asked me and winked at me._

_I gave him a fake smile. ‘’Sure.’’ I said and started doing what he asked me._

_I saw someone else from the corner of my eye waiting for their turn and so I turned to them after giving the old man his drinks._

_I paused for a moment when she looked up at me and my eyes widened._

_‘’Clarke.’’ She said in total shock._

_The familiar soft voice that I’d only been hearing in my dreams was now right in front of me. Looking at me. Making my heart skip a beat and my jaw drop a little._

_‘’Lexa. Oh my god.’’ I could bring out, looking into her beautiful green eyes after three years. My stomach couldn’t help but feeling the same after all this time while I just gazed at her._

_Lexa slowly brought out her smile to me. ‘’H- How are you?.’’_

_I nodded and smiled back nervously. ‘’I- I’m fine. How are you?’’_

_‘’That’s- that’s good. You look good. I’m all good, too.’’ Lexa said awkwardly._

_‘’What are you doing here? I’ve never seen you here before.’’ It felt like my mouth was working faster than my brains and so I just rambled._

_Lexa shook her head. ‘’I erm- I live here. Sort of. I’m in the army.’’_

_My eyes widened again. ‘’No way. You made it.’’ I gave her a grin and Lexa nodded proudly._

_‘’Just got here actually. I’ve been away for a year.’’_

_‘’Wow. Heading straight to the bar then?’’ I said._

_Lexa laughed a bit silently. ‘’Yeah.’’ She looked down to her hands in front of her. ‘’I erm- Costia- She’s waiting for me at home. But she’s probably not home yet so-‘’ Lexa tried not to stammer but she failed._

_Just by hearing the name ‘Costia’ my stomach dropped. Not in a good way._

_‘’You two are together?’’ I tried not to sound extremely disappointed. Didn’t know why. I had Finn. Lexa and I broke up years ago._

_Lexa just slowly nodded._

_‘’Good. That’s good.’’ I fake smiled._

_So did Lexa._

_‘’What about you? Are you seeing someone?’’_

_I nodded. ‘’Finn.’’_

_I could see the dull expression in Lexa’s eyes. Like I had just told her I killed a little puppy._

_Lexa revealed her fake smile again and nodded once. ‘’Both dating our ex then.’’_

_I nodded and before this conversation would get more awkward I asked her what she wanted to drink._

_‘’Whiskey, please. Double.’’ She answered with a sigh._

_I did as I was told. ‘’Rough day?’’_

_Lexa inhaled deeply. ‘’Rough year.’’_

_It felt like I could still talk to her after years. Like we still had a bond._

_I just nodded and gave her the drink she asked for._

_‘’Why don’t you drink with me? I’d feel less miserable.’’ Lexa gave me a grin._

_I smiled shyly. ‘’Sorry, I can’t.’’_

_‘’Why? Are you pregnant?’’ Lexa laughed and poured the whiskey into her throat at once._

_I raised an eyebrow. ‘’No...’’ I made clear she asked me something rude. ‘’But if I would drink with every customer I had, I would be drunk in no time. I don’t think my boss would be okay with that.’’_

_Lexa nodded. ‘’I’m just another customer then.’’_

_‘’Right.’’ I answered._

_Lexa nodded and sighed. ‘’Can you get me another one?’’ Lexa rubbed her eyes with her fingers._

_I nodded and gave her another one. It was gone in less than five seconds again._

_‘’Slow down there, soldier.’’ I warned her._

_Lexa laughed. ‘’Trust me, I’m going to need it. Can you get me another one please?’’_

_I sighed and hesitated. Then I did it anyway._

_Before she picked up the drink again I stopped her. ‘’Talking about it helps, too.’’ I raised my eyebrows._

_Lexa let out a sigh. ‘’I’m not good at that. You know that.’’ And there went drink number three._

_I rolled my eyes. ‘’Why are you doing this?’’_

_‘’Forget about it.’’ Lexa answered._

_I grabbed her hands that were on the bar in front of me. She didn’t expect that and locked our eyes, looking at me like I had just saved her world._

_‘’You can talk to me.’’ I said in my softest voice. ‘’I’m still here for you.’’_

_I moved in closer and squeezed her hands a little._

_She swallowed loudly and then looked away from me._

_‘’No. I can’t.’’ She let go off my hands and leaned backwards._

_‘’Why?’’ I knew I could do this. I could always get her to talk to me._

_‘’Because.’’_

_‘’Because?’’_

_Lexa let out a deep sigh and started laughing out of miserableness._

_‘’Because.’’ She sighed again. ‘’Because you’re doing okay.’’_

_I frowned. ‘’This is not about me-‘’_

_‘’Of course it is. I’m being all miserable here boozing because I don’t want to go home to my girlfriend and here YOU are. Living with your boyfriend, having a nice job and all.’’_

_I shook my head. Alcohol worked quick on her. ‘’Am I your competition or something? Why don’t you just leave Costia if you’re so unhappy?’’_

_‘’Because she’s the only one who loves me and cares about me right now.’’_

_‘’But that’s not fair. And probably not true either.’’_

_Lexa scoffed. ‘’Sure.’’_

_I shook my head. ‘’Stop comparing yourself to me. You won’t be happy doing that.’’_

_Lexa laughed out loud again. ‘’Oh, you think I’m comparing myself to you?’’_

_I raised an eyebrow. What happened to her?_

_‘’It’s okay. At least I know you’re happy.’’ She sounded really vulnerable right now._

_I paused a moment before answering. ‘’Yeah…’’_

_Lexa sighed. ‘’Yeah.’’_

_Silence._

_‘’Hey so, how about we catch up another time? I- I should go. Home.’’ Lexa said._

_I nodded but I knew we were never going to meet up again. I didn’t know how I felt about that. My body was on fire by all these different emotions._

_‘’Yeah sure.’’ I said._

_Lexa pursed a smile out of her lips and stood up._

_‘’I have to go.’’ She repeated. I didn’t believe a single word of that, but it was pretty clear she didn’t want to be here right now._

_‘’Yeah, okay. Get home safely.’’_

_Lexa smiled one last time and gave me some money._

_‘’Keep the change.’’ And then she left just like that._

_‘’Thanks.’’ I almost whispered but I was positive she couldn’t hear me._

_I sighed and watched her leave. What just happened?_

_\----_

_The next day I was working again till seven, so it wasn’t that bad. Still I was tired from getting up early and the whole day sitting at school and being at work right now._

_I looked at the clock. 6:52. Almost time._

_When I saw a randomly but familiar face again walking towards me, in normal clothes now._

_I widened my eyes and my stomach did the same thing again as yesterday. I was surprised to see her actually._

_‘’Hey.’’ Lexa said._

_‘’Hi, stranger.’’ I said._

_Lexa gave me a grin and sat down carefully._

_I thought I would never see her again after last night._

_‘’Can you get me a coke, please?’’_

_I frowned. ‘’You? A coke? Just a coke?’’ My tone was playful._

_I grabbed the bottle of coke and poured it into a glass for her._

_Lexa silently laughed. ‘’That’s right.’’_

_‘’Well, it’s the last coke I’m serving for tonight, so enjoy it a bit more.’’_

_Lexa frowned and took a sip. ‘’You’re right, it is pretty good. But why is it your last coke?’’_

_‘’I’m getting off at 7. Which is in three minutes.’’_

_Lexa started drinking faster until her glass was empty and widened her eyes._

_‘’Really? Well, I guess you can drink with me now. Since you’re not working anymore and so your boss won’t fire you because of getting drunk at work.’’_

_I smiled wide but then remembered this was wrong in every way._

_‘’I’m sorry. It’s a bad idea.’’_

_Lexa nodded once. ‘’Because of Finn?’’ She almost whispered emotionless._

_I half nodded. ‘’And Costia.’’_

_Lexa pursed her lips together. ‘’You would be right if we wouldn’t be just friends.’’_

_I scoffed a little. ‘’I don’t think we can be friends.’’_

_Lexa frowned. ‘’Come on. We’re both with other people. There’s no need to worry. We can just hang out like friends do.’’_

_I laughed at her attempt. I was so close of saying yes and drink something with her._

_But my head still said no._

_‘’I’m sorry.’’ I said and I started putting on my coat while walking away._

_‘’Okay then, can I at least walk you home?’’ Lexa proposed, running after me._

_I laughed. ‘’I live like two minutes away from here.’’_

_‘’That’s another 2 minutes I get to spend time with you. As a friend.’’_

_I rolled my eyes. How could I say no to that terrible but cute attempt._

_I let out a sigh. ‘’Suit yourself.’’_

_We walked a few seconds in silence before Lexa broke it._

_‘’You good?’’_

_I frowned. ‘’Yeah?’’ I locked our eyes and smiled because I saw Lexa smiling at me. I couldn’t believe what I was doing. But, there was a reason that she and I broke up years ago._

_‘’Cool.’’_

_I nodded._

_After a little while Lexa started laughing out of nowhere which made me frown and look weird at her._

_‘’I’m sorry.’’ She kept laughing and I stared at her in confusion which made her laugh even more. ‘’I just remembered that time Octavia almost drowned me by almost letting you walk alone to campus in the middle of the night. I mean, she didn’t really drown me. It’s a metaphor. But she would’ve if she could.’’_

_Her laugh was so contagious I started laughing too._

_‘’What? You never let me walk alone in the middle of the night. When was that?’’_

_‘’When you came from your mom. You called me when I was sleeping. And I went to get you in my pajamas. Which was basically your t-shirt and my sweatpants.’’_

_I smiled at the memory._

_‘’Right, how could I forget.’’_

_Lexa kept smiling and the next thing we knew we arrived at Finn and my apartment and so we stood still._

_‘’We had some fun back then, didn’t we?’’ Lexa said with a shy smile._

_I looked her in the eyes and nodded but then quickly looked away._

_‘’Thanks for walking with me-‘’_

_‘’What went wrong?’’ She interrupted me._

_I scoffed. ‘’A lot.’’_

_Lexa shook her head. ‘’Not by choice. At least not mine.’’_

_I sighed. ‘’Not mine either. But it’s been like three years. There’s nothing we can do about it.’’_

_Lexa nodded sadly. ‘’Like I said, at least I know you’re happy.’’_

_I closed my eyes by hearing her broken voice that I was causing her. But I remained silent._

_We both did and then we just stared into each other’s eyes for a while. It felt like we still knew each other like we used to. Like we both hadn’t changed at all and what we felt for each other. I knew what I was feeling right now was no good. I mean, not with Finn still in my life. But man, did it feel right anyway._

_I took a step back and gave her a sad look._

_She got a little confused and took a tiny step back as well._

_‘’Should I go?’’ She asked._

_But I really didn’t want her to. First of all ‘cause I wanted to be every second I could get with her, and second of all because I was afraid of Finn. What would he do to me if he ever found out I was spending time with Lexa?_

_All of a sudden I felt pretty shitty towards Lexa so I took a step forward so close to her that I rested my forehead against hers and intertwined our fingers. It was an old yet familiar and comforting feeling that I could get used to the second our skin touched._

_‘’That would be the smartest thing to do.’’ I answered._

_‘’I’m not that smart though.’’ She whispered and that made me smile again._

_I looked up to see her eyes which were all sparkly with a tiny bit of sadness and hope all at once._

_‘’You don’t know what he’s capable of.’’_

_‘’And you do?’’_

_I nodded slowly._

_‘’Then you should really ask yourself why you’re still with him.’’_

_My eyes switched looks from her eyes to her lips every two seconds. I couldn’t decide which I had missed more._

_I sighed. ‘’He takes care of me.’’_

_‘’I can take care of you.’’_

_Silence. My eyes widened a little bit._

_‘’I don’t kno-’’_

_‘’Clarke?’’_

_‘’Yeah?’’_

_Lexa took another step towards me._

_‘’Please tell me you don’t feel anything for me and I’ll leave you alone. I promise. But if I know we still have a chance, I will fight for that harder this time. I promise you that too.’’_

_I couldn’t think straight right now. Literally._

_My mind went blank and filled itself up with emotions I didn’t even know I had in me._

_It’s best for everyone if I didn’t do this. Two relationships will be saved. And the other won’t…_

_But then again, I hadn’t felt anything like this years ago, when I was with Lexa. And I knew she would take care of me, but she was also in the army. I would barely see her. That’s why we broke up in the first place._

_It felt like my brain had just exploded and I decided to do what was best for almost everyone._

_‘’I’m sorry. It’s been such a long time. I got over you at some point.’’ I said without stuttering and so I sounded a little too convincing._

_Lexa then let go off me and I immediately regretted my decision of lying to her._

_I could see Lexa was devastated which broke my heart into a billion pieces more._

_I tried holding back my tears and quickly wished her goodnight._

_‘’I’m sorry. Goodnight.’’ Was all I could say but Lexa stopped me._

_‘’Can I just have one last hug?’’ She asked almost awkwardly._

_I hesitated but then nodded. She immediately took me in her arms as she rubbed my back a little._

_In my opinion I stayed a little too long like this, but I finally felt so welcomed. Like all my worries had disappeared by her strong firm arms._

_She let me go after a long minute and we were both doing our best not to cry in front of each other._

_Lexa watched me go inside of the building and that was probably the last time I was going to see her._

_I entered our apartment where Finn was waiting for me on the couch. He didn’t even greet me, he just straight looked at his watch._

_‘’Finally. Did you go to freaking Canada or something?’’_

_I rolled my eyes. ‘’Like you would care.’’_

_He stood up and came closer to me. He quickly gave me a dominant kiss which I absolutely detested._

_‘’I’m hungry.’’ He then said._

_I frowned. ‘’You haven’t eaten anything?’’ I said while looking in the kitchen for food._

_Finn burst out into laughter. ‘’What did you want me to eat? Cheese? A yoghurt?’’_

_I sighed. ‘’I’m sorry, I’m not in the mood to cook right now. I’m gonna eat a sandwich or something.’’ Before I knew it Finn aggressively grabbed my arm and turned me around so I was facing him._

_‘’That’s not dinner.’’ He said. ‘’What am I supposed to eat?’’_

_I was so tired of his sickening bullshit._

_‘’Cook something yourself.’’ I pulled my arm back in one movement and went to make myself a sandwich._

_After a few seconds I heard the loudest slam ever behind me._

_I turned around out of total shock and saw he slammed his plate on the table. I was surprised it didn’t break._

_But I wasn’t scared of him. I could always handle him myself._

_But then he walked towards me and he grabbed my arm again. He started pulling on me which made me scream out of shock and pain at once. He dragged me to the dispenser while I tried pushing him away. With all force I hit him in the face with my free hand and while he got off of me I started running off outside. I ran as fast as I could and I didn’t even look back once. This had happened once before with him and I told him it better be his last time but I guess he didn’t care. He never did._

_I heard Finn screaming my name behind me. When I got outside, I ran straight to where Lexa just left me off. I looked in the darkness into the distance where I saw someone walking. I was out of breath from running but kept running anyway to that person. As long as someone was with me, Finn didn’t want to hurt me._

_When I ran closer to the person, she turned around. A moment of relieve crossed my mind and I ran straight into her arms._

_‘’Clarke, you okay?’’ Lexa asked shocked and worried._

_I was still out of breath and I didn’t want to look back in case I was about to face Finn or something. I stayed silent and tried breathing steadily._

_‘’Clarke? Clarke.’’ Lexa sounded worried._

_She pulled me closer into her body and put her hand behind my head to comfort me._

_‘’Clarke, what’s going on?’’ Lexa whispered._

_Then I broke the contact and started walking next to her, her arm around my waist like nothing had just happened. I looked back once and then just continued moving._

_‘’It’s Finn, isn’t it?’’ Lexa asked again._

_I was still coming up for breath and looked into her dark eyes I fell in love with once._

_I shook my head and tried my best not to start sobbing. Maybe Lexa and I met each other for a reason again after these years. Maybe it wasn’t coincidence._

_I stopped her and turned more in her direction. Lexa’s look was still shocked and I could see she was incredibly worried._

_I once again closed the gap between us and fell into her arms, resting my head on her chest. She placed her strong arms around me and comforted me by gently rubbing my back with her hand._

_‘’Can y-you take m-me somewhere?’’ I whispered stuttering._

_I felt Lexa nod. ‘’Of course.’’_

_Lexa grabbed my hands from her back and locked our eyes._

_‘’But I need you to tell me what happened.’’ She continued._

_I immediately nodded. Then she placed her arm around my waist again and started walking in silence until we reached a hotel. Before we entered Lexa turned to me._

_‘’Do we need to stay here?’’ She asked me as if she knew perfectly what was going on._

_‘’I do. You don’t need to do anything. You’ve helped me enough. You can go back home now.’’ I said genuinely._

_Lexa smiled. Just like that she walked inside the hotel and made me follow her._

_‘’Lexa, you don’t have to do this. Just go back home. I’ll be fine.’’_

_Lexa walked in front of me in the hallway. The hotel seemed pretty old but cozy and really clean._

_‘’This is my room. Or ours now.’’_

_She talked to me like I wasn’t even there and it really felt like I wasn’t even there. I felt light in my head. Like I was looking at myself in third person._

_She opened the door with the key and let me enter first. I took a good look at the room which was pretty big and still cozy._

_I sat down in bed and then Lexa came to sit next to me._

_She had her hands in her pockets and gave me a sad look._

_Then she revealed one hand and stroke my hair behind my ear, still looking me into my eyes._

_‘’You okay?’’ She said in the sweetest voice ever._

_I got dragged into her beautiful, sweet eyes and couldn’t help but stay silent._

_‘’Clarke?’’ She frowned._

_I shook my head and looked away from her eyes._

_‘’You really don’t have to be here. Costia won’t like this.’’_

_Lexa let out a deep sigh. ‘’I found out today that she’s been cheating on me again. So, I don’t want to go home either.’’ She let out a sad chuckle and gasped softly. ‘’I slept here last night, too.’’_

_I widened my eyes. ‘’Oh my- I’m so sorry.’’ Lexa deserved so much better than that sneaky little bitch._

_‘’Nah, it’s okay. It sucks. But it’s not like I was happy in our relationship either.’’_

_I nodded understandably._

_She stroke my hair again. ‘’But what about you? Are you going to tell me what happened?’’ She had the softest tone again and I melted a little from the inside._

_‘’It was Finn.’’ I closed my eyes. ‘’But I don’t really want to talk about it right now.’’_

_‘’Did he hurt you?’’ She asked anyway._

_I looked away from her and shrugged._

_Lexa let out a sigh and came a bit closer to me so she could wrap her arm around me. I rested my head on her chest again right under her chin and let out a shay breath. She was calming me down with every soft touch of hers and I felt my stomach do that thing again._

_We stayed there for a little while until I yawned. I had to admit I was incredibly tired. Tired of drama. Tired of working. Tired of school. Tired of Finn. Tired of everything._

_‘’We should sleep.’’ Lexa whispered and I nodded._

_She let me go and I slowly locked our eyes. I looked to the small grin that her lips were forming. Those sweet, juicy lips I had missed every single day from the moment I had left her. This was all my fault. And for what? For nothing._

_I laid down in bed with my clothes on. I pushed my shoes off and I just wanted to sleep. I was so tired. I closed my eyes and heard Lexa making a little bit of noise right next to me. When I opened my eyes I saw she was changing herself into sleeping clothes. Then she walked to the couch across from the bed and laid down. Then it hit me. I was sleeping in her bed of course. And she was one of those good persons to sleep on the couch out of respect. But I didn’t want her to do that right now._

_‘’Lexa.’’ I called._

_‘’Yeah?’’ She whispered from the couch._

_‘’Why are you sleeping on the couch?’’_

_Lexa laughed a bit awkwardly._

_‘’Because there isn’t room for the both of us?’’ She said but that wasn’t the main reason, I was sure._

_‘’Don’t be like that now. Please, I need you.’’_

_From the moment I finished my last sentence she was already standing right next to me. I looked up at her and smiled a little._

_Lexa cleared her throat. ‘’Are you sure?’’_

_I nodded. ‘’Yes. I’m sure.’’ I hopped over as much as I could which wasn’t a lot ‘cause the bed was not meant for two people._

_Lexa carefully laid down next to me and locked our eyes in the darkness, our foreheads almost touching. I could hear her unsteady breathing which she only did when she was nervous. I gave her a grin in hope she could see me in the dark._

_Then I decided to make a move and so I moved in closer to her, ‘cause I knew she would be too scared or nervous to even touch me. I nuzzled into her warm chest as she wrapped her arms around me. I let out a deep comfortable sigh and closed my eyes. Maybe meeting her again wasn’t coincidence after all._

_\----_

_I woke up by a ray of sunshine shining into my eyes. I slowly opened my eyes and let out an annoyed groan. It took me a moment to realize where I was and what had happened last night, but Lexa was nowhere to find. I stood up and walked around the room. I looked at the alarm clock on the desk and almost had a heart attack. I was way too late for class._

_I had no clean clothes with me and I only had my work clothes. I couldn’t go to school with that, so I grabbed the first bag I found which was probably Lexa’s and opened it, looking for any clothes. I immediately put them on and when I did I could smell Lexa in the clothes. I sniffed again and figured how much I had missed her scent. I also figured this was an emergency and she probably wouldn’t really mind that I would borrow her clothes for a few hours. I wanted to leave a note for Lexa but I couldn’t find anything to write it on and I was in a hurry so I left._

_A few hours later I was finally finished when it was becoming dusk outside. Although I had missed the first two hours of class, I was pretty good informed about the subject. I walked back tiredly to the hotel. Luckily I knew exactly what hotel it was and so I knew the route from college to the hotel._

_I did feel a little guilty that I had just left Lexa without saying anything while she was probably showering somewhere in the hotel or something, but I was excited to see her as well._

_I knocked a few times on our hotel room door and after a few seconds Lexa unlocked and opened the door. She widened her eyes a little and then she revealed her big smile to me._

_‘’Hey.’’ I said while walking in._

_‘’Hi, Clarke.’’ She said and closed the door._

_She looked at me from head to toe while I sat down on the bed._

_‘’You look…’’ Lexa began._

_‘’Just like you.’’ I laughed and that made Lexa laugh too._

_‘’Nah, just better.’’ She smiled. ‘’Hey where have you been? I was kind of worried.’’ She said shyly and sat down right next to me._

_I locked our eyes. To be hearing those word from someone was great and new to me, but hearing it from her was just heartwarming and amazing._

_I gave her a grin. ‘’I’m sorry-‘’_

_I stopped before continuing ‘cause she was looking at me like she had already forgiven me. I let out a shaky sigh and looked from her eyes to her lips._

_‘’I was getting us some breakfast this morning and when I came back you weren’t here.’’_

_‘’I know. I’m sorry. I couldn’t find you anywhere this morning and I had to go to class. I didn’t know how to reach you either without a phone.’’_

_Lexa nodded understandably. ‘’It’s okay. I was just a little worried, that’s all.’’ She gave me a grin again and I could swear I moved in closer without actually doing it. God did I want to kiss her. I’d been wanting to do that for so long._

_‘’I’m sorry.’’ I repeated, staring at her lips._

_Lexa’s lips formed a humble smile. ‘’You already said that. Twice. It’s okay.’’_

_I kept staring at her lips, wanting them to touch mine._

_‘’You haven’t changed a bit.’’ I whispered, looking into her eyes now._

_‘’Is that a good thing?’’ Lexa revealed her beautiful smile._

_I nodded, smiling._

_‘’I have actually. I’m still me though. But you know. My feelings for you never did change. I still feel the same for you.’’ Lexa swallowed nervously which made me smile._

_I stared at her again and so did she._

_Then she scoffed and looked down at her feet before continuing._

_‘’But I don’t really know how you feel about me and I-‘’_

_I couldn’t wait anymore grabbed her face with both hands to make her face me and I immediately connected our lips._

_A sudden rush of adrenaline went through my whole body. This was the kind of touch I was waiting for since I last saw her three years ago. I had never felt this way with Finn. He could never do that to me._

_Lexa got out of her shock and grabbed my waist, leaning in to me. Our lips started moving against each other very slowly and our heads turned frequently because I just wanted to taste every single spot of her lips on every side. She gently touched my waist and then my leg and deepened the kiss. My tongue asked for entrance and before I knew it we were completely connected to each other._

_Lexa started setting pace in her movements and caressed me wherever she could. The kiss turned from a passionate one to a sloppy one and I decided to pull her with me on the bed. She hovered above me and didn’t lose the chance of one second to do our lips apart. We continued kissing more passionate and rushed but gentle when we both came up for air._

_We were both out of breath and I noticed I was already starting to pull her shirt out a little. She looked at my hands to look back at me again._

_‘’Maybe we should take it slow.’’ Lexa whispered right above my lips. I felt her warm breath against me._

_‘’Maybe we shouldn’t. We have been taking it slow for the past three years.’’ I whispered back. ‘’I want you now.’’_

_Lexa smiled. Then she started kissing me again and I didn’t waste any time pulling her shirt out right now. I took a moment to appreciate her beautiful abs as I caressed them._

_‘’I’ve missed these.’’ I smiled._

_Lexa let out a laugh and hovered above my lips again. ‘’I’ve missed you.’’ She whispered and connected our lips again as we made love all night long._

_\----_

_‘’What are we gonna do?’’ Lexa asked as I laid in her arms, tired but content from the night before._

_I hummed which made Lexa laugh a little. She played with my hair a bit before she asked me again._

_‘’I mean it. What do you want to do?’’_

_I let out a sigh._

_‘’Lay here while you play with my hair.’’ I said with my morning voice._

_Lexa sighed. ‘’Hm. And if you look more into the future?’’_

_‘’Lay here while you play with my hair.’’_

_Lexa snorted and was probably rolling her eyes now._

_I laughed a little and received a gentle kiss on my forehead._

_‘’But seriously. What do you want to do?’’_

_I cleared my throat a little and rested my body on one elbow so I could face her._

_She immediately met me with a smile when we locked eyes._

_‘’Erm. I want to do this more often?’’ I said obvious._

_Lexa laughed again._

_‘’You’re not taking it seriously.’’_

_‘’Wha- I am.’’ I laughed back. ‘’I just- Don’t ruin this precious moment now.’’ I pouted._

_‘’I’m not. I just want to know where we stand, you know?’’ She said vulnerable again._

_‘’We’re not standing.’’ I said._

_Lexa rolled her eyes, smiling. ‘’Oh my god. Look at you being the clown at 8 in the morning.’’_

_‘’I just finally feel happy.’’ I smiled and leaned in to kiss her. She kissed me back for a while until I tried climbing on top of her. She groaned and pushed me back gently. I hummed out of protest._

_‘’Clarke, stop distracting me.’’_

_I let out an annoyed sigh. ‘’Alright, okay.’’ I started walking with my two fingers from her shoulder to her hand while talking._

_‘’All I know is that we’ve made a mistake three years ago. I mean breaking up with you was the dumbest thing I’ve ever done.’’_

_Lexa gave me a grin. ‘’Tell me about it. But we didn’t survive our long distance relationship back then. I’m in the army now. So… conclusion?’’_

_I sighed. ‘’Conclusion. I’d rather be with you and not see you for a year, then to not be with you at all. If that makes sense.’’_

_Lexa gave me a sad smile. ‘’I don’t want to limit you in your options though. You know that’s what I want too, but I won’t be able to be here for you all the time. I barely get any time off.’’_

_‘’I know.’’ I intertwined our fingers and smiled at her. ‘’But I want this.’’_

_‘’You sure?’’_

_I nodded and smiled wide. I was more than a 1000% sure I wanted this. I wanted her._

_Lexa gave me a smile back and squeezed my hand a little._

_‘’Good. Because, you know. I’m kind of in love with you, so.’’ Lexa shrugged._

_I let out a laugh and started kissing her again. ‘’Good.’’ I said in between kisses. ‘’Cause I’m kind of in love with you, too.’’_

_\----_

_Lexa had sent some money to me so I could buy us a small apartment for now. We had been saving a lot of money over the last three years, thank god. First thing I would get out of this city, away from people named Finn and Costia so we could both start over. Getting away from negative situations. I could finish my last year of college in another city luckily as well._

_‘’You’re going to be okay?’’ Lexa asked while placing her arms around me._

_I nodded and put my arms around her waist, my head resting on her chest. ‘’I’ll be fine. You?’’_

_Lexa nodded. ‘’Always. Especially now that I know I’ll be coming home to you.’’_

_I took a step back and rolled my eyes. ‘’You’re such a sab.’’ I smiled and pecked her lips once again._

_‘’Just promise to find help from anyone if you can’t find an apartment or anything. I’ll try to call you when I come back.’’ She said in a more serious tone._

_I nodded. ‘’I’ll be fine.’’_

_Lexa revealed a smile when we heard through the airport speakers it was time for Lexa to get to her plane._

_I caressed her cheeks. ‘’Take care of yourself. Just make sure you come back, okay?’’ I told her, my voice trying not to break._

_Lexa took my into her arms again and kissed my head._

_‘’Don’t worry about that.’’_

_I held her once more really tight and then let her leave. She took a few steps back so she was still facing me while she walked to the gate._

_‘’I love you.’’ I raised my voice so she could hear me._

_Lexa smiled from the distance between us and answered me._

_‘’I love you. I’ll see you soon.’’ She waved for the last time and entered the gate._

_I let out a deep sigh._

_And so it began. Another day. Another day without her. Trying not to lose my mind. But at least I knew she would come home to me if she’d come back. ‘When’ she’d come back._

 


	8. Chapter 8

I couldn’t even make her smile at me today. She was having terrible mood swings the last couple of days, which was normal, I could tell. I may or may not have lied to her a little about my reason to come and visit her more often. Anya was totally okay with that too ‘cause she was working most of the days. I told Lexa about me being a doctor and I could check up on her and she was okay with that. So here I am again. Trying to make her feel better. Emotionally and physically.

‘’Chocolate milk?’’

‘’Nope.’’

‘’Tea?’’

‘’Nah.’’

‘’Coffee?’’

‘’Ew.’’

I raised an eyebrow.

‘’You dislike coffee?’’

Lexa raised both eyebrows.

‘’Don’t I?’’

I shook my head and laughed. ‘’No, but maybe now you do. It’s okay.’’

Lexa nodded and sighed.

‘’I feel like I don’t know who I am anymore.’’ She breathed out after a long silence.

It made me feel sad for her again.

‘’Hey.’’ I began and put my hand on her shoulder. ‘’It’s just coffee. Don’t worry about it.’’

Lexa tried giving me a smile but it didn’t look genuine. She sighed again. ‘’It’s not just the coffee.'' She sighed. ''But hey, at least my braces are finally off.’’ She said.

I nodded and remained silent. I didn’t really know what to talk to her about. I knew her perfectly well, but she didn’t know me. Which was weird for me.

‘’Hey Clarke?’’ Lexa broke the silence after a while.

‘’Yeah?’’ I locked our eyes and noticed a hesitating expression in her eyes. Like she was scared to say something.

‘’I haven’t asked you or anyone else before because I was kinda scared the answer would disappoint me, but now that I know you a little bit better and you look like a reasonable person to talk to-‘’ She paused. It was so cute when she started rambling. ‘’I- I wanna know how I used to be like. Like, what did I do for fun? Why was I in the army when we were engaged? Was I depressed because of that? How could I leave Anya behind? When did I ever see you two? What kind of life did we have when I got back? Did we live together? Where?’’

She paused for a short moment and I was being a little bit overwhelmed by all of the questions at once.

‘’I’m so sorry.’’ Lexa said and I started laughing.

‘’Don’t apologize, you have the right to know.’’ I cleared my throat. ‘’I only remember like two questions so I’ll make the best of it.’’

Lexa laughed a little out of embarrassment and put her hand in her neck.

‘’You liked reading and working out a lot when we were together.’’

Lexa raised an eyebrow. ‘’Sounds fake but okay.’’ She scoffed.

I let out a laugh and continued.

‘’It’s always been your dream to get into the army and when we had broken up and you were together with Costia, you did it. I had no idea until I saw you about two years later by accident in a bar. You were in your army clothes and told me you followed your dream.’’

‘’Why did we break up and got back together again?’’ She asked interested.

I sighed and looked at my feet. ‘’It was complicated. For the both of us.’’ I faced Lexa and she faced me as well, raising another eyebrow.

‘’Well? Didn’t you say I deserved to know?’’ She said with a gentle smile.

I nodded and smiled.

‘’Long story short, okay?’’ I proposed.

Lexa nodded.

I inhaled. ‘’Alright. We broke up after like a year being roommates in college.’’ Lexa nodded and I continued. ‘’I was studying for becoming a doctor and then I was failing this class and suddenly my teachers were doing everything they could to let me follow my heart and not my head. So they told me things like I didn’t belong there and I belonged at another university so I could become an artist. Which was on the other side of the country. And you were so supportive of me, whatever I decided.’’ I gave her a grin. ‘’But obviously you didn’t want to let me go and I didn’t want to leave. But we decided that we could do it. We could handle a long-distance relationship. So we thought.’’ I saw her frowning all the time and listening to me like I was telling her the best story ever.

‘’I’m sorry, long story short I said. That’s not short.’’ I laughed out of embarrassment.

Lexa smiled. ‘’No, no. Keep telling me. It’s not like I haven’t got anything else to do here.’’

I smiled as well and continued.

‘’Well then. Where was I?’’

‘’We thought we could handle a long-distance relationship.’’ Lexa immediately answered.

‘’Right. And the teachers were telling me I was making the best decision ever and you did too, but I could really see in your eyes that you didn’t want it to happen. Which almost made me stay. But anyway, I moved out and you and we barely talked to each other after a few months. We were both busy and stuff. We both didn’t have the money to go and visit each other every week or month so we had only seen each other once in four months. I came over that time for a weekend at your room and that very same weekend we both decided it was best to break up.’’ I calmly inhaled and exhaled. Lexa’s expression was a little sad.

‘’And then?’’ Lexa asked.

‘’And then everything sucked.’’

Lexa’s sad expression was still there.

‘’I didn’t feel like myself anymore. I came back to college after a year to study medicine after all. But you were already gone. In the army I guess. And I had no idea where you were. So Finn and I met again and we dated for almost three years since then. And apparently you got back together with Costia.’’

Lexa blew air into her cheeks and then blew the air out for relieve. ‘’Sounds pretty heavy. And then after a while we were like: we couldn’t do a long-distance relationship before so let’s do it again?’’ Lexa said sarcastically.

I laughed a little and gently punched her arm.

‘’And then we were like: I figured that I can’t live without you so let’s never do that again.’’ I corrected her. ‘’We both knew it was going to be a challenge you being away from me again, but we made it pretty far.’’

Lexa laughed. ‘’I guess we did.’’

I let out a chuckle. ‘’Yeah well. That was our life in a nutshell.’’

Lexa nodded.

‘’It’s pretty cool how we met each other after everything and all.’’ Lexa started talking after a long silence. I was feeling nervous just by her words. ‘’But, you know. I don’t know now.’’

I raised an eyebrow. ‘’You don’t know what?’’

Lexa let out a really deep sigh. ‘’You know. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. With myself. With people. With you.’’

I frowned now. ‘’I’m not really following.’’

Another sigh. ‘’Well, I know people have certain expectations from me. You sure do.’’

Ah. Got it.

‘’What expectations do you think I have?’’ I asked dumbly.

‘’You know, Clarke. Dating you.’’ She swallowed nervously. ‘’You were glowing when you told me about us and how we fell in love with each other again. I don’t want to disappoint you, but I don’t feel like rushing anything. I just want to work on myself for now and I don’t know how long that’s going to take. It feels like I just got out of a relationship which I technically did.’’

I raised my chin a bit up and then nodded. I tried hiding the disappointment in my face expression.

‘’I’m sorry I’m making you feel pressured. That’s the last thing I want to do.’’ I said honestly. ‘’Just take your time and I’ll be here for you. As a friend.’’ I gave her a grin.

Lexa smiled at me and let out another sigh. ‘’Thanks. I know it’s probably hard for you.’’

I nodded again but I just felt my hope fall apart a little again. She basically told me she didn’t want me to wait for her for whenever she’d be ready for me, and that could take a while. But, I’d rather have her in my life as a friend than to not have her in my life at all. I decided to try her out a little though.

‘’I’ll be fine.’’ I gave her a gentle smile and I received one back. If I wanted to at least be friends I had to work for that too.

‘’How about we do something 'friendly?' Like hang out sometime. Have lunch or watch a movie. If you don’t feel comfortable enough with just me I could ask Anya and Raven you know?’’ I just rambled trying to make her say yes.

Lexa thought about it for a while and then smiled and nodded. ‘’Yeah, sure. That’ll be cool.’’

‘That’ll be cool’ I forgot she used to say that.

‘’Alright. We’ll plan something. With or without your sister?’’

Lexa remained silent. ‘’I- I’d like to meet Raven, you know?’’ She laughed nervously.

‘’It’s okay Lexa, I’ll ask them too. I don’t want to force into doing anything you don’t want to.’’

‘’No, no, you’re not. I like hanging out with you, I don’t have a problem with that, okay?’’

What a change from the beginning. She was actually saying nice things to me.

I only nodded and hoped she was speaking the truth.

 

\----

 

So the four of us decided to go bowling. Anya and Lexa paired up and Raven and me paired up as well. I proposed it, otherwise it could get pretty awkward I thought. Lexa and Anya were winning, because Lexa was a star in bowling obviously and she was having a great time, too. So I was happy.

‘’You and I are never gonna be a team ever again.’’ Raven said to me.

‘’Wha- Wait. This isn’t my fault. You’re terrible at this too.’’ I fired back jokingly.

Lexa laughed.

‘’Yeah, well. My sister can take you both with bowling so.’’ Anya said.

Raven slammed her hands on the table. ‘’Okay who wants a drink? ‘Cause I sure do.’’ Raven stood up and grabbed Lexa with her. Then Anya turned to me.

‘’Did you propose already?’’

I snorted. ‘’Why in the name of love would I do that?’’

‘’Cause you love her. Duh.’’

I rolled my eyes and sighed.

‘’Okay but seriously. Did you two do anything already? You’ve been spending almost every day at my apartment.’’

I smiled at her. ‘’No. We’re just friends.’’

Anya rolled her eyes now. ‘’Come on, I know how you feel about her. You can’t be just friends.’’

‘’It’s not two-sided, Anya.’’

Anya sighed. ‘’Have you shown her video’s or pictures from you? The engagement video?’’

‘’No. That’ll make her uncomfortable.’’

Before we knew it Lexa and Raven came back laughing with our drinks.

‘’At least she still likes Raven.’’ I said.

Anya scoffed. ‘’What’s not to like about her.’’ She said extra loud so Raven could hear her.

‘’Are you talking about me again?’’ Raven asked jokingly.

‘’How’d you guess?’’ Anya playfully smiled.

Raven laughed and pecked her lips.

Lexa looked away a little uncomfortable which made me smile. I kept staring at her, getting lost in every move she was making until she met my eyes. I widened my eyes and awkwardly looked away from her. I’m such an idiot.

After Raven and I terribly lost the bowling game I drove all of us to my house. Anya kept insisting about going to my place so Lexa could see it. Lexa thought it was alright so that’s the only reason I did it.

‘’So this is where we used to live?’’ Lexa asked walking around the house.

‘’Yep.’’

She walked to the bookcase next to the TV and looked at the photo’s there. Shit. I forgot to take them down.

She took them in her hands and stared at them for a while. It was just a picture of Lexa and me on a night out. The other one was Lexa in her army clothes. I can’t believe I forgot to take them away.

‘’Erm, I forgot to change them.’’ I said awkwardly.

Anya and Raven remained silent, wondering what was going to happen next.

Lexa looked at me and smiled a little. ‘’It’s like looking at myself in the future. I don’t remember any of these.’’

I smiled a little and walked towards her to look at the picture.

‘’I know.’’

Lexa put the picture down again and went to sit down on the couch as we all followed her.

‘’You don’t remember any of this?’’ Anya asked while looking around the house.

Lexa shook her head. ‘’Not at all.’’

That broke my heart a little. We made so many good memories here.

Silence.

After a long time Lexa started talking.

‘’I’ve been thinking.’’

All eyes were on Lexa right now. She let out a sigh and exchanged looks from Raven, Anya to me.

‘’I know I haven’t been myself lately. But then again I have. In my mind, I guess. And I’ve still got one dream that I want to become reality.’’

I had no idea where this was going and I wasn’t sure I was comfortable with it.

We were all waiting patiently for what she was going to say.

‘’I’ve been kind of nervous to tell you guys.’’

She let out a deep sigh.

‘’I want to join the army.’’

‘’No.’’ Anya immediately said without thinking twice.

I widened my eyes and didn’t know why she would ever want that.

‘’Lexa, you’re still recovering.’’ Raven said worried.

‘’Yes. I don’t mean right now, but indeed when I recover.’’

Anya laughed. Not a good laugh. ‘’Not again this bullshit.’’

‘’It’s not bullshit-’’ Lexa got interrupted.

‘’It is fucking bullshit.’’ Anya continued.

 Silence.

‘’Who do you think you are? Huh? You think it’s okay to play with your fucking life again? After getting a second chance?’’ Anya raised her voice and I had absolutely no idea what to say.

‘’Calm down baby-‘’ Raven told her.

‘’Don’t you tell me to calm down.’’ She turned to Lexa again who was looking almost devastated.

‘’’Why do you think you have the right to make your dreams come true but I can’t?’’ Lexa said.

Anya scoffed loudly and when she did that, you’d better run away fast.

She sat up straight. ‘’Is that your dream? To leave the people who love you behind again? You don’t care about us?’’

‘’Anya, come on. That’s not-‘’ Lexa started.

‘’Save it. I can’t believe you. You should’ve seen us when you were away all this time. When we thought we lost you. You wouldn’t even be thinking about joining the army again if you’d know.’’

Silence.

Anya let out a deep sigh. ‘’Clarke, back me up.’’

But I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to be the bad guy even though my whole body was screaming, telling her not to go.

I opened my mouth to say something but nothing came out. I couldn’t. She looked at me like we had just broken her heart into a million pieces.

Anya sighed again. ‘’Thanks for your help.’’ She stood up and left. All of us following her.

‘’Anya, where are you going?’’ Lexa asked.

‘’Home. I can’t look at you right now.’’ She continued walking as Raven tried to talk some sense into her but she failed and drove away with Anya.

Lexa stood there completely frozen. So did I.

After a while Lexa turned to me, a dead expression in her eyes.

‘’I fucked up, didn’t I?’’

I looked down to my feet and shrugged slightly.

‘’Yeah, I know I did. You can’t even look at me either.’’

I locked our eyes and shook my head.

‘’I can. I just- I’m not-‘’ I sighed. ‘’Anya just needs to calm down a little. Give her some time. Maybe she overreacted in your opinion but she’s not wrong. We don’t want to lose you again.’’

Lexa’s dead expression turned into a soft, sad one.

‘’But it’s not fair towards me. I have the right to make my dream come true.’’

I nodded sadly. ‘’I know, and I’ve always supported you in that. But maybe you should also consider how we might feel about it after your accident.’’

Lexa nodded and then mumbled something I couldn’t understand.

‘’Well, I guess I’ll just walk home then.’’ She said louder.

‘’I’ll drive you home. Don’t worry.’’

She gave me a thankful smile and walked inside with me.

I grabbed my keys and my phone and then I saw my phone light up. It was a text message from Anya.

**_Anya sis 9:23_ ** _: Don’t you dare to bring her here tonight. I don’t want to see her right now._

I stood still for a moment and texted back, Lexa waiting for me.

**_Me 9:24:_ ** _I get why you’re upset. Believe me, I feel it too. But don’t you think you’re overreacting a little bit?_

**_Anya sis 9:24:_ ** _Like I said: don’t you dare bring her to my home tonight._

I let out a deep sigh.

‘’What is it?’’ Lexa asked.

I looked up at her, hesitating to show her the text message.

‘’Is it Anya?’’ Lexa asked pointing at my phone.

I carefully nodded.

Then Lexa went to stand right next to me to look at the text and read it.

I heard her sigh after a moment.

‘’I guess I’ll sleep under a bridge then.’’

‘’Lexa, come on. Don’t be like that. Just give your sister some time, it’s what she needs. Let her calm down and go talk to her tomorrow.’’

Lexa shrugged. ‘’I guess.’’

‘’I have another room at the house. You can stay here for tonight.’’ I proposed carefully.

Lexa nodded. ‘’That’d be great.’’

I nodded and we both walked inside. I closed the door and heard Lexa speak behind me.

‘’You know what I’m wondering the moment I walked in? Why you have a house. And a second bedroom. I think I already know why and that scares me.’’

Very random. But I started talking.

‘’Then you’re probably thinking in the right direction.’’

Lexa let out a sigh and sat down on the couch.

‘’We were that serious, you and I?’’ She sounded sensitive and a bit weak.

I smirked sadly and nodded. I sat down right next to her.

‘’And I threw that away. I did that.’’ Lexa continued.

‘’It wasn’t your fault.’’

Lexa cleared her throat softly like she was holding back her tears.

‘’I can’t believe you and I were trying to have a baby. I don’t even know how to take care of myself.’’

I smirked. ‘’We were planning on having a baby in the future, not right away.’’

‘’But still.’’

She sighed.

‘’I feel like I’m letting everyone down.’’

I couldn’t help but to embrace her and so I did. I held her tight when I felt her do the same. I smelled her scent and smiled.

‘’You’re not. We’re all proud of you.’’

Lexa backed off a bit and stood up which left me a bit disappointed.

‘’I think I’m going to go to bed.’’ She said.

I nodded and walked with her to the guest room.

‘’Just call me if you need anything.’’

Lexa nodded. I could tell she wanted to be alone for a moment.

Just when she wanted to close the door I stopped her.

‘’Oh, Lexa?’’

‘’Yeah?’’

‘’I know it’s easy to say for me, but don’t worry.’’

Lexa gave me a smile.

‘’I’m here as your friend, okay? Nothing more, nothing less.’’

Lexa nodded and out of nowhere she hugged me again. Thank god.

‘’Thank you. Goodnight.’’ She whispered and then she went back to the guest room.

‘’Goodnight.’’ I said after she already closed the door.

At least she didn’t have to sleep under a bridge, right?

 

\----

 

I hadn’t slept much last night. All kinds of thought were constantly running through my mind.

Luckily it was a Saturday and so it was my day off. I got up early to make some breakfast for the both of us. But Lexa came down two hours later, wearing a shirt and some shorts. I had some trouble looking away but I tried anyway.

‘’Morning sunshine.’’

Lexa smiled and then yawned. ‘’Morning.’’

‘’You slept well?’’

Lexa shrugged. ‘’Kind of. You?’’

We exchanged looks for a moment.

‘’Kind of.’’

Lexa sat down on the couch.

‘’You hungry?’’ I asked.

‘’Kind of.’’

‘’Is that the sentence of the day?’’ I joked.

I received a laughter. ‘’Maybe. Kind of.’’

I laughed too.

‘’I’ve been thinking though. A lot. About what Anya said. About what you said.’’

‘’Hmhmmmm.’’ I hummed. ‘’And?’’

She sighed. ‘’I still want to join the army. Even if it’s just a course or something. Even if it’s just for a month. I want to know what it’s like.’’

Not my favorite answer, but at least she wasn’t thinking about going away long term.

‘’Then I’ll support you.’’

Lexa smiled wide at me. A twinkle in her eyes I hadn’t seen before in the last couple of months.

‘’Really?’’

‘’Yeah. If that’s gonna make you happy. But, you have to recover fully first.’’

Lexa nodded quickly.

‘’You would really support me with that?’’

‘’If that’s really what you want to do. Yes. Just don’t scare us anymore.’’

Lexa started laughing happily, a shiny sparkle in her eyes.  

I was so in love with her it’s insane.

‘’Thanks. It’s not my intention to scare you or to hurt you or anything.’’

‘’I know.’’ I nodded.

Lexa let out a happy sigh.

I didn’t know if I said the right thing, but to her it sure was. Of course I’d support her in whatever she wanted to do, I love her. But I won’t let her risk her life again like that.

Lexa revealed her smile again. Those beautiful curves when her smiled formed could make my day.

I laughed a bit. ‘’You hungry?’’

Lexa nodded smiling.

‘’Good, I made some you breakfast.’’

Lexa widened her eyes. ‘’Oh my god, really? Now I get why we were engaged.’’ She joked but it turned a bit awkward.

‘’I’m kidding. Joking. That wasn’t appropriate. Sorry.’’

I pursed my lips together. ‘’That’s not something I haven’t heard before.’’ I tried to joke too.

Lexa laughed a bit.

‘’That must mean something then.’’ She mumbled.

I raised my eyebrows and tried containing my smile.

What was that? Was that a joke again?

Lexa sat down at the kitchen table and started eating some eggs and bread.

‘’This is good.’’ She said with her mouth full.

I smiled and shook my head.

‘’Sorry.’’ She said again. ‘’Thanks for letting me sleep here last night by the way.’’

I gave her a nod. ‘’Of course. You know, I can look out for you sometimes.’’ I playfully raised an eyebrow and smiled. Lexa revealed her smile too.

She let out a sigh. ‘’See, now I get why I proposed to you.’’

 

\----

 

_‘’Stop distracting me.’’ I laughed while I was being buried in her kisses._

_‘’You stop distracting me.’’ Lexa laughed back against my cheek._

_I gently pushed her away and sat up straight behind my desk again while facing a now sad Lexa._

_‘’I’m not doing anything.’’ I raised an eyebrow._

_She placed each hand behind me on the chair and leaned towards me._

_‘’Oh, you don’t know how you’re looking right now. Studying. In my shirt. Those glasses. No pants. No bra.’’ She articulated the last two words exaggerated._

_‘’Wha- I’m in my own room. I can do whatever I want.’’ I almost whispered and leaned towards Lexa as well so that our lips were almost brushing against each other._

_I saw her bite her lip in between her grin and god was it sexy. But I really had to focus on my exam for tomorrow and gave her a real quick peck on the lips before leaning back in my chair again and turned around, starting to read again, feeling proud of myself._

_But, as you probably would’ve guessed, that didn’t stop her from trying at all._

_I felt my chair slowly turn around again without me even touching it until I was to face Lexa again with the biggest smiley smile on her face._

_I rolled my eyes, moved in closer again and grabbed her chin with my thumb and index finger which made her remain her big smile._

_‘’I have to pass this exam tomorrow, otherwise they’ll kick me out of here.’’ I whispered._

_It didn’t take long before Lexa closed the gap between us and connected our lips so I stopped talking._

_I felt her soft squishy lips against mine and couldn’t do anything else than to let myself go. Our lips started moving slowly against each other and then I felt a subtle, warm hand on my leg, caressing it. I smiled through the kiss and Lexa thought that was my permission for her to move her hand towards my panties. As much as I wanted to feel her, I broke the kiss and stopped her hand from moving any further. I probably already gave too much away because of the wet spot in my underwear anyway._

_‘’I have to pass.’’ I breathed against her lips and smiled._

_Lexa’s lips pouted and then kissed my cheek instead of my lips which left me a little bit disappointed._

_‘’Okay, I want you to pass. I want you to stay here with me.’’ She stood up and gave me a grin._

_I gave her a smile back and immediately regretted this decision of mine which concluded everything but Lexa in it. I watched her move back to her bed, which was our bed now and laid down._

_I sat there with the urge of wanting her to touch me right now where I needed her. Where we left off two seconds ago. I screwed up my eyes, trying to focus on this boring test._

_I turned around to my desk again, grabbed my pen and started reading._

_After not even ten seconds I heard a noise beside me on the ground and my eyes automatically turned to it. I immediately saw what it was and turned around to face Lexa who was playing all innocent._

_‘’No.’’ I laughed a little but remained serious at the same time._

_‘’Trust me.’’ Lexa said._

_I rolled my eyes and stood up to grab my pants she just threw next to me on the floor._

_I loved the way she treated me. Like I was some kind of hot goddess. Which I obviously wasn’t, but it did make me feel special around her._

_While picking up my pants I could only think about the way she just touched me a few seconds ago. About how much I needed her continuing that. You’d say that after dating for almost 5 months and being 24/7 around each other would become boring. But you’d never been so wrong in your life._

_I let out a deep sigh. I threw my pants on the floor again and almost ran towards Lexa, wanting to take those sweatpants of hers off right now. Lexa welcomed me with a laugh and her strong arms around me. I jumped into her arms and put my legs around her. I didn’t waste any more time crashing our lips together._

_I still felt her smile through the kiss while she tried breaking the kiss but I barely let her and pulled her closer._

_Lexa let out a laugh and I moved to her neck to place kisses there._

_‘’What happened to ‘I need to pass’?’’ Lexa asked, still laughing._

_I locked our eyes now and put my hands behind her neck._

_I bit my lip before answering and I could see that drew Lexa’s attention to my lips again. I pulled her in closer again so that our foreheads were touching._

_‘’I’m taking a break. 10 minutes. So you’d better try your hardest.’’ I whispered._

_Lexa smiled wide and almost closed the gap between us._

_‘’Yes ma’am.’’_

_Finally she connected our lips and started to take of my shirt which only left me in my panties. Lexa stopped for a good moment when I revealed the skin under my shirt to her and her eyes widened, her expression now hungrier than before. It  always made me smile the way she looked at them like she had never seen them before._

_‘’10 minutes, Woods.’’ I said to let her focus again and Lexa looked into my eyes, smiling._

_That exact smile was the reason I fell for her in the first place, and I would do anything to keep her smiling like this forever._


	9. Chapter 9

I had accepted the fact that Lexa wanted to go to the army if that would make her happy. But Anya still didn’t and so Lexa had been sleeping at our… my house for the last two days. Nothing much had changed between me and Lexa, but I could see she was pretty devastated that she had hurt her sister.

‘’You want to visit her today?’’ I carefully encouraged her. Not that I was complaining she was staying over.

‘’No… Maybe. I don’t know.’’ She sighed.

‘’I could take you.’’

She sighed again.

‘’Thanks. I’m just not so sure she wants to see me right now.’’

I nodded understandably.

‘’Well, let me know. I’ll be home in a couple of hours. I’ll pick up something for us to eat after work.’’

Lexa nodded sadly.

It made me go sit next to her on the couch.

‘’It’s gonna be okay. She needs time.’’ I almost whispered gently.

She turned to me, her hand covering her mouth and nodded again.

‘’You sure you’re gonna be fine for now? I could always call in sick-‘’’

‘’No, no, don’t. I’m sure I’ll be fine. Thanks.’’ She gave me a grin and I nodded.

I stood up and walked away.

‘’I’ll see you tonight.’’ I said.

‘’Bye.’’

 

\----

 

After work I picked up some Chinese food before coming home to Lexa. Coming home to Lexa. I liked the sound of that.

I opened the front door and found Lexa laying on the couch with her feet up. She jumped a little when I came in.

‘’Hey.’’ I smiled.

‘’Hi.’’

‘’You hungry?’’

‘’Starving actually.’’

I almost threw the food into her lap and hung up my coat. I walked back over to Lexa and sat down next to her. Her eyes travelled with me as I let myself fall on the couch. She let out a shy chuckle.

We ate the food in silence for a while. It wasn´t an awkward silence. It never really was with her, but lately I had been questioning a lot. Then she spoke.

‘’I found some stuff out today.’’

I looked at her, raising an eyebrow.

‘’Like what?’’ I asked.

‘’I hope you don’t mind, but I’ve been snooping around your stuff. My stuff.’’ She shook her head and bit the insides of her cheeks.

I widened my eyes. What could she possibly have found.

‘’Clarke.’’ She turned to me and stopped eating. ‘’I’ve been so confused lately and I was focusing so much on Costia and then on myself that I forgot about you. I forgot you must feel terrible, too.’’ She laid a hand on my leg and I traced it with my eyes.

‘’I’m sorry.’’ She continued.

I locked our eyes and frowned.

‘’It’s okay-‘’

‘’No, it’s not. And now I’m leaving again for the army and all you’ve been doing is support me. And I ignored the fact that you’re not okay with it at all. But you care about me. I know that. So you want to see me happy. You want to make me happy. I’ve heard you say that before and I can’t ask that from you.’’

I remained silent for a while.

‘’You got all of that because you’ve been snooping around?’’ I said with a slight smile.

Lexa’s expression changed immediately. More relaxed and she let out a chuckle.

‘’I saw a few things. Photographs, video’s. The proposal video.’’ She cleared her throat. ‘’I could see how much I wanted that from one single video.’’ She said a little shy. ‘’And that’s what sucks, because right now all I want to do is get into the army.’’

I nodded sadly but tried not to show.

‘’Priorities.’’ I said.

Lexa nodded. ‘’Right now my priority is to find out who I am and what I want. I don’t want to involve you in that too much, because I don’t want to give you false hope. I don’t know if I can ever give you what you want, you know?’’

I nodded again.

‘’I understand.’’ I felt my tears coming up but pushed them back somehow.

‘’You’re a great person. You’re so great.’’ Lexa almost whispered.

I grinned. I hadn’t noticed her hand was still on my leg and looked at it. She noticed and pulled back and let out a sigh.

‘’I’m leaving tomorrow, I apparently called my ex-boss and he was so excited that I could skip every test and leave tomorrow.’’

I widened my eyes. I was not expecting this. Not again.

‘’You’ve got to be kidding me.’’

Lexa shook her head. ‘’I want to. This will be good.’’

I remained silent again and continued eating after a while. That’s why she sounded like she was ‘breaking up’ with me five seconds ago. She was leaving us. Again.

‘’Don’t hate me please.’’

‘’I don’t.’’ I immediately answered and sighed. ‘’I’m glad you told me and I want to support you in this because I l-‘’ I stopped before I said something weird and stupid. ‘’Because I care about you.’’ I corrected myself.

Lexa definitely noticed but just nodded. ‘’Thanks. I know it’s not easy.’’

I shook my head. ‘’No it’s not.’’ My tears were coming up again. ‘’For how long will you be gone?’’

Lexa shrugged. ‘’A few years. I don’t know if I’m returning every few months.’’

A tear escaped my eye. This was it. I would never see her again. I just simply had to get over her. Again. Like that was such a success last time.

‘’I’ll just have to move on then.’’ I said shakily.

Lexa moved in closer and pulled me in for a strong hug.

‘’I never meant to hurt you.’’

I nodded into her chest before pulling away from her. She cleared my cheeks from the down running tears with her sleeves.

‘’You’ll be fine. You deserve someone who can give you what you need.’’

For the sake of really everything I shut my mouth, but all I wanted to tell her was that she could give that to me. She always has. But I just nodded again. This night was going to be the longest night ever.

Lexa gave me a grin and nodded, too.

‘’So… what do you want to do on your last night?’’ I asked like nothing just happened.

Lexa gave me another grin and shrugged. ‘’I don’t really know. What did I usually do on my last night?’’

I thought about our last nights together. Drinking tea. Seeing a movie. Making love.

‘’Nothing extraordinary.’’ Was all I said.

Lexa let out a sigh and nodded. ‘’Well, what do you want to do?’’

I thought about it for a moment. All I really wanted was to spend the night together. That was enough for me. But I could never propose that.

I shrugged. ‘’It’s kind of late. I just want to spend the time that we have together with you to be honest. But maybe it’s better if you went to your sister. To see her one last time, you know?’’

Lexa shook her head. ‘’I called her today, saying goodbye to her. She told me she doesn’t want to see me right now.’’ She was sad, I could hear it in her voice.

My eyes widened and I felt bad for her.

‘’Well, I don’t know. I just don’t know anymore.’’ I said honestly. I didn’t know what she wanted from me. I wasn’t going to see her in maybe more than a year. My own thoughts made me sad and I looked down to my feet.

Then I heard Lexa sigh. ‘’This is all so messy. And I’m sorry for that.’’

I nodded when I felt a hand on my shoulder. The soft touch of Lexa’s hand forced my eyes to look into hers. She was smiling a little.

‘’You want to… maybe spend the night together? Like, in the same bed? Would that make you feel less lonely or something?’’

I smiled a little at her attempt to make me feel better. Of course this wasn’t going to make up for it, but I would never say no to this.

‘’Sure.’’

‘’Yeah?’’ She smiled, her hand still on my shoulder.

I nodded and stood up. She followed me to our bedroom. Lexa changed into her pajamas and so did I. She climbed in our bed like it was the millionth time. Which it basically was. I climbed in after her and stayed at my side.

Then I felt her move closer to me. My heart was pounding fast every moment.

‘’Goodnight.’’ I heard her say.

I nodded. ‘’Goodnight.’’

After a while we still laid still and I wasn’t sure if she was still awake.

It took me a long time before I fell asleep but eventually I did with Lexa by my side.

 

\----

 

_‘’We could never afford that house, babe.’’ I pouted._

_‘’Well, not right now we can’t. But someday we will.’’ Lexa told me with proud in her eyes._

_I smiled at her look and gave her a peck on the lips. She lingered a little longer than necessary against my lips and smiled back. I leaned back in her arms on the couch again and let her embrace me. My head against her chest._

_I let out a sigh._

_‘’Wouldn’t it be great though? You and me married. Living in a house together. Two kids and a dog.’’_

_Lexa let out the tiniest chuckle and then remained silent._

_‘’Wouldn’t it?’’ I asked carefully._

_I felt Lexa nod her head against mine but then I turned around._

_‘’I love how excited you just got about it, too.’’ I said._

_Lexa locked our eyes and grinned._

_‘’I’m just- I’m already happy with you right now. A bigger house isn’t going to make me feel happier. Being married isn’t going to make me happier either.’’_

_I swallowed loudly and nodded before turning around in her arms again._

_Lexa sighed and I felt the warmth of her breath hit my head._

_‘’I didn’t mean it like that. It came out weird. I just mean that-‘’ She sighed. ‘’I don’t care where I am or what I have. As long as you’re there with me, you know?’’_

_I smiled but I knew she couldn’t see me so I just nodded._

_She sighed again. ‘’I guess it just all sounds a little scary. A bigger house, kids, marriage.’’_

_I turned around again to face her._

_‘’I know. But we have plenty of time.’’_

_Lexa revealed her smile and nodded. She kissed my forehead and smiled._

_‘’We’re not getting a dog though.’’ She said._

_I gasped. ‘’Two if I have to.’’_

_Lexa laughed. ‘’No, I know how you get with dogs. You would adopt every single puppy you saw.’’_

_‘’Could I?’’_

_‘’No!’’ Lexa laughed which made me laugh too. ‘’Hey, you should be happy you have me.’’ She joked cocky. ‘’I make you so happy that you don’t even need a dog. You’re not even going to need a house.’’ She joked again._

_I made a gag noise which made her laugh hysterically._

_‘’We don’t need any money or stuff. My love for you got it all covered.’’ She continued joking._

_I burst out into laughter and made another gag noise._

_‘’You’re lucky you’re rich or I wouldn’t be with you right now.’’ I joked along._

_Lexa laughed again and held me tighter. Then she let out a deep sigh and kissed my head from behind._

_‘’Maybe you´re the rich one.’’ She said._

_\----_

 

I was really nervous and preparing myself for saying goodbye to Lexa once again for maybe the last time. I was driving her to the airport today. She had only said goodbye to Anya over the phone, not even face to face because Anya couldn’t face her.

We waited until they called the gate was open which seemed like a lifetime.

I couldn’t look at Lexa and my leg started moving up and down all the time because of the nerves.

Lexa placed her hand on my leg to stop it from moving.

I looked at her shyly and she smiled back at me.

‘’You okay?’’ She asked.

I nodded carefully but I just wanted to scream out that I wasn’t. It felt like we were breaking up again. It felt like I would never see her again.

My thoughts made me inhale and exhale deeply and she noticed. She rubbed my leg a softly with her hand.

‘’You’re going to be fine. You’re strong like that.’’ She told me.

I almost rolled my eyes before locking our eyes.

‘’It’s not about me.’’ I said.

Lexa gave me a soft grin. ‘’I’ll be fine, too.’’

I nodded and started moving my leg again.

 _‘’Passengers from flight 610, please enter gate 5.’’_ We heard through the speakers.

  
Lexa looked at me and then stood up, helping me up as well. I couldn’t help but to immediately melt in her arms and she hold me tight. I noticed a few tears running down my cheeks even though I really didn’t want to cry in front of her.

 

We stood there for a while until I let her go. I kept my hands on her waist, keeping her close to me and my forehead rested against her chest. She was still comforting me with her hands around me, one placed on the back of my head.

 

I was going to miss this. Even though I didn’t have her as my girlfriend, I still had her with me these last couple of months.

 

I took a step back and looked at her. God I wanted to kiss her so bad and I almost did because, who cares right now, right? She might be leaving forever.

 

Instead, she grabbed her bag and put it on her back, over her shoulders. She kept staring at me, not really knowing what to do.

 

I smiled a little. ‘’Go.’’ I pointed to the gate.

 

But Lexa didn’t move. She just kept staring.

 

‘’Lexa, go.’’ I repeated.

 

Lexa nodded slightly and came closer to me again.

‘’Maybe I’ll see you again one day.’’

 

I nodded and held in my tears. I smiled.

 

‘’Take care of yourself, please.’’ I said and Lexa nodded.

 

‘’You too.’’

 

I nodded and Lexa walked towards the gate without looking back anymore.

 

This was it. This was the moment that I had to girl up and move on. Move on from Lexa. I don’t remember ever moving on from her.

 

I drove home while wiping the tears away so I could at least see where I was going.

 

This day felt like it would never, never end.

 

\----

  
**A year and 8 months later**

****

\----

 

I was having the weirdest year of my life. I lost the woman I loved deeply to the army, I found love again with Octavia’s brother even though I don’t know if you could call it love, I got heartbroken again by him, my mom and I had been talking again for the last couple of months and now I’m here with all my family and friends. You could say I was beginning to feel happy again.

 

But there was this part of me that left with Lexa the day at the airport. And that part had been a huge part of me which still felt empty every single day.

 

I hadn’t heard from her in almost two years. And I knew that after everyone would leave my house in a few hours, I would cry myself asleep again, thinking about Lexa. I just couldn’t understand why I couldn’t get her out of my head.

 

‘’Where’s your girl?’’ I asked Anya when I met her in the kitchen.

 

Anya smiled wide. ‘’She’s on her way here from work.’’ She said calm.

 

I smiled, too. ‘’I can’t believe it was almost three years since you denied ever wanting to date her.’’

 

Anya started laughing. ‘’Me neither.’’ She was glowing tonight, she seemed happy.

 

‘’What about you? Is Bells here?’’

 

I shrugged. ‘’He just got here a few minutes ago.’’

 

‘’You don’t care?’’

 

I shrugged again. ‘’We’re mature people. Besides, we’ve been together for only seven months.’’

 

‘’You just broke up with him a week ago. I can imagine the wound is still fresh.’’

 

‘’I know.’’ I softly said.

 

‘’It doesn’t bother you he’s here with his new girl?’’

 

‘’He’s here alone. O told him not to bring her on my request.’’

 

‘’Obviously.’’ Anya sighed.

 

We remained silent for a while, just staring at the wall in front of us. Her words were still on my mind. Of course I would care if Bellamy would bring the girl he fucked while he was in a relationship with me. I was so sick of liars and cheaters right now.

 

‘’Did you love him?’’ Anya asked and I sighed.

 

I cleared my throat. ‘’I cared about him.’’

 

Anya nodded. ‘’But you didn’t love him?’’

 

I looked at her and slowly shook my head.

 

‘’You think you could ever love someone again?’’ Anya looked away from me and I waited a little bit before answering.

 

I let out a deep sigh. Why did she have to bring this up now? It was my birthday and I was actually having fun tonight.

 

‘’I don’t know. It depends.’’

 

‘’It depends? It depends on what?’’

 

I slightly shrugged.

 

‘’It depends on whether it’s Lexa or not?’’ She continued. Lexa was dead in Anya’s mind. Since the day they got into that one fight, she didn’t want to see or talk to her ever again.

 

I gave her a sad smile and shrugged again.

 

‘’Clarke, you’ve been doing so great without her. You’ve moved on. Everyone can see you’re having a great time. Not after what happened with Bellamy dickhead but that’s understandable.’’

 

I smiled. It was a good thing nobody from the outside could notice the pain I was still in.

 

‘’I know. I’ve been trying to pick up my life, you’re right.’’

 

Anya nodded. ‘’Then what is it?’’

 

I laughed a little awkward and bit my lip.

 

‘’Don’t tell me you still care about my sister.’’ She almost hissed.

 

‘’Don’t you?’’

 

Anya remained silent for a while.

 

‘’I try not to.’’ She answered. I knew she hated talking about Lexa. She was in pain, too.

 

‘’Me too. But we both know that’s not happening.’’ I said quietly.

 

Anya shrugged. ‘’I guess time will tell.’’ She gave me a sad smile and picked up some plates with food and brought them to the living room where the rest was.

 

I let out a sigh and stood there for a while in silence when I heard my name.

 

‘’Griffin! Happy birthday my old friend. Wow you look bombing in that dress.’’ Raven came to hug me and I laughed.

 

‘’Thanks Reyes. How was work today?’’

 

‘’Ugh, terrible. You should be happy you weren’t there today.’’

 

I chuckled. ‘’I’m definitely not complaining.’’

 

‘’Guys, group photo!’’ We heard Octavia yell from the living room. Raven and I walked happily to the living room where everyone was posing for the picture. Raven and I went to stand in between Octavia and Anya.

 

‘’Ready?’’ Jasper yelled. ‘’Say cheese.’’

 

Everyone did as they were told including me and we all laughed when Raven almost fell backwards because she stepped on something.

 

‘’Oh my god, are you okay?’’ We all asked, still laughing. But Raven just kept laughing as well so we guessed she was alright.

 

A little later I was in the kitchen again, putting some pizza in the oven. Then Bellamy walked towards me with a beer in his hand.

 

‘’Hey.’’ He said in his low voice.

 

‘’Hey, Bells.’’ I answered uninterested.

 

‘’What’s eh- What’s in the oven?’’

 

‘’Pizza.’’

 

Bellamy nodded and took a sip from his beer.

 

‘’Thanks for inviting me.’’

 

‘’I didn’t.’’

 

Bellamy remained silent.

 

‘’You’re only here because you’re a part of this group and I can’t not include you with every party.’’

 

Bellamy nodded understandably.

 

‘’How’s Gina?’’ I didn’t want to ask, really. But I just wanted him to regret the choice he made. I wanted to hear him say it.

 

‘’She’s alright I think. She’s not here, so.’’

 

‘’Can you blame me?’’

 

‘’No. I get it. But I want her to be a part of this group as well someday. Just like Lincoln and Raven.’’

 

‘’We’ll get there. Right now it’s not respectful towards me, you get that right?’’

 

Bellamy nodded. ‘’That’s why she isn’t here.’’

 

He remained silent for a while.

 

‘’Can you really blame me though? You never loved me. What was I supposed to do?’’

 

‘’Be patient? Or tell me you wanted to be with someone else? Cheating is just a way of showing that you’re a coward.’’ I coldly said.

 

Bellamy nodded and scoffed. ‘’Maybe I am a coward.’’

 

‘’At last we agree on something.’’ I said with a little grin.

 

Bellamy scoffed again. ‘’Sure. You need help with those?’’ He pointed at the pizzas in the oven.

 

‘’No I’m good. Thanks.’’ I gave him an awkward laugh and pulled the pizzas out of the oven.

 

Bellamy and I hadn’t really had the chance of talking things out because I was so mad at him that I walked away. I never heard from him again till now.

 

When Bellamy left I put the pizzas on a plate and walked back to the now very silent living room again. I looked around and everyone was looking at the same direction in complete silence.

 

I walked a little further into the crowd before I saw where everyone was looking at.

 

I felt my muscles tense but I had no power in them which resulted the pizza plates to fall on the floor. I felt everyone staring at me.

 

I couldn’t move. I didn’t know how to.

 

Lexa was standing in the living room. In my living room. I looked around me one last time to see if I wasn’t the only one to see her. I wasn’t.

 

Lexa was standing in my house, in her army clothes, crying. Then I noticed the plaster on her leg and the crutches she had.

 

Lexa was bawling at the moment and she carefully walked up to me. It was only like five steps. I noticed the bruises and scars on her face when she came closer.

 

I kept looking at her in awe and when we were just one step away from each other, she closed the gap and kissed me.

 

After two seconds of total shock I closed my eyes and kissed her back in confusion, but I kissed her back.

 

She broke the kiss and hugged me incredibly tight. I was still too much in shock of what was happening and when I heard the familiar words whisper in my ears I melted into her arms and started crying.

 

‘’I love you.’’ She whispered.

 

I held her so close to me that we almost lost balance. The only thing we could hear was some music I had put on earlier tonight.

 

It seemed like we stood there for a whole lifetime when she broke the contact and looked at me with watery eyes, smiling a little.

 

I had so many questions right now and I stammered when I tried to ask her one.

 

‘’Who- What are you d- How?’’

 

Lexa let out a laugh. ‘’Shh, I’ll explain. I just love you so much.’’

 

I smiled but I shook my head. I totally forgot about the other’s in the room.

 

‘’What- You can’t just come back like this.’’ I said softly and took a step back.

 

I turned around and looked at everyone behind me who was staring with shocked big eyes at us. It felt like I was dreaming. Like my soul wasn’t in my body and my body was completely frozen when I wanted to turn around and face Lexa again.


	10. Chapter 10

It felt like my soul had left my body when I noticed everyone staring at me. I heard Lexa call my name in the distance while she was actually just two steps away from me. I felt weird all of a sudden. I didn’t know what was real anymore and what wasn’t.

 

I got snapped back into reality when Anya walked up to us. She placed her hands on my shoulders.

 

‘’Clarke, you okay?’’ She turned to Lexa before I gave her an answer. ‘’What is wrong with you?’’ She frowned.

 

I didn’t hear anything for a while and we all remained silent.

 

‘’Maybe you should leave.’’ Anya proposed.

 

I immediately turned around at those words.

 

‘’No! Don’t.’’ Not before an explanation. I could see endless tears rolling down her cheeks. This was probably the first time I had seen her bawl so much.

 

Lexa’s body was shaky and she stared at me.

 

‘’Do you need anything? Medication? Some water?’’ I asked worried but Lexa shook her head.

 

Octavia was the one who cleared her throat. ‘’We should leave.’’ And everyone agreed except Anya. I didn’t really focus on the rest. I didn’t really care right now. When they all quietly left Anya spoke.

 

‘’I’m not leaving before slapping you.’’ Anya told Lexa.

 

‘’Woah, woah, no one is slapping anybody.’’ I said.

 

Anya scoffed almost devilish and very loud.

 

‘’I fucking will.’’ Anya raised her voice.  

 

‘’Anya. Come on, shut it.’’

 

‘’No, you shut it. Stop defending her. You’re like a peddle melting into her the moment you see her. After all she’s put you through.’’ She was still raising her voice. I had a feeling she was more hurt than angry.

 

I looked at Lexa who was looking back at me. I couldn’t believe she was here. With me. She hadn’t changed a bit, besides maybe the two scars and a few bruises on her face. Still, when I looked at her I really saw her. After such a long time I had almost forgot what one person could make you feel like. Of course I melted like a peddle into her.

 

I loved her.

 

But I knew I couldn’t say it yet. I didn’t want her to hurt me again. I didn’t know why she suddenly changed her mind now about me.

 

‘’Can I please explain?’’ Lexa softly said.

 

I nodded slowly but Anya wasn’t having it.

 

‘’I’m leaving. You should too.’’ She told Lexa.

 

Lexa walked to Anya with much effort.

 

‘’Don’t do this to me, sister.’’ Lexa said.

 

Anya looked at her and was 2 steps away from her. I saw Anya holding in her tears as well but before we knew it her eyes were filled with anger and sadness and all of a sudden she punched Lexa in the face. Not even softly. I wanted to stop Anya but I was already too late.

 

Lexa slowly looked back up after losing a little bit of balance and exhaled deeply.

 

‘’I deserved that.’’ Lexa said. ‘’Could you please sit down now and listen to me?’’ She sounded desperate.

 

Anya couldn’t hold back the tears anymore and started crying.

 

‘’I’m sorry.’’ Lexa said.

 

‘’I hate you.’’ Anya screamed out.

 

‘’That’s okay.’’

 

Anya then took a step back and wiped her tears away with her sleeve. She seemed to be a little calmer right now and slowly sat on the couch with me. She let out a sigh.

 

Lexa stood in front of us for a while and I couldn’t help but to stare at her. I just wanted a good explanation for this.

 

Lexa sat on a chair in front of us as we carefully watched every move she made.

 

‘’I am so deeply, truly sorry.’’ She breathed out and I couldn’t say anything because then I would lose it. I would cry myself to death if that was possible.

 

‘’What happened to you? Why are you different?’’ Anya whispered.

 

Lexa gave us a sad smile and cleared her throat. ‘’After I left at the airport, leaving you behind, I started to feel weird. There was this burning rage inside of me that was begging me to turn around. But I never did because I didn’t understand why.’’ She let out a shaky breath.

 

I looked at Lexa and my heart broke for her, pounding fast.

 

‘’I had another accident at the army. A grenade exploded nearby our camp.’’ Lexa exhaled with effort. ‘’Which lead me to walk right into the arms of another guy who cut me with his knife in my stomach. That’s the last thing I remember. Next thing I’m in the hospital and a couple of days had passed.’’ Lexa was switching eyes from me to Anya every two seconds.

 

‘’The very first thing I remembered when I woke up in the hospital was you, Clarke. I felt all these emotions spooking around in my head. Something I hadn’t felt in a long time. So many at once. And then when I thought about why I felt them, I started to remember more and more and I-.’’ Lexa stopped for a while. ‘’I knew that I fucked up good.’’ She now fully turned to me.

 

‘’I remember that time we studied together and you distracted me with how beautiful you looked. I remember the first time we kissed after our date. I remember the first time I said that I loved you out loud. I remember our last terrible Christmas together with your mom and I remembered the very last time we made love to each other.’’ Lexa almost said it in one breath.

 

I sadly smiled and my lip was trembling from trying not to cry. I remained silent to let it all sink in. She remembered.

 

She turned to Anya and sighed. ‘’I remember when mom and dad died and we were left alone with auntie Indra. I remembered I was scared that you would leave me, too, so instead I left for the army so I couldn’t be hurt. But I was wrong.’’ I listened carefully and my heart melted at hearing her say ‘auntie’.

 

Anya nodded and sniffed.

 

‘’I remember hurting you. The both of you. And I couldn’t hate myself more for it. I just wasn’t myself.’’ She looked down to not show her watery eyes again but I didn’t care.

 

I stood up and sat down on her lap to embrace her. She didn’t expect me but immediately wrapped her arms around me the moment I sat down. Anya stood up as well and embraced the two of us which was unexpected. We sat there for a long while and after I placed a soft kiss on the new scar right next to her ear, I locked our eyes.

 

Anya let us go and I stayed right where I was. Finally in her arms. She leaned her forehead against my shoulder and then looked at me again and smiled a little. It was like she was scared of something and so she didn’t move.

 

‘’Oh my god, your leg.’’ I said and immediately stood up.

 

Lexa let out a silent chuckle. ‘’No, no, no, it’s fine.’’ She grabbed my arm and pulled me on her lap again to put her strong arms around me.

 

Anya was wiping her tears away once again. I didn’t even bother doing that anymore because then I would be wiping them away every single second.

 

‘’You okay?’’ I asked. ‘’You have some brain damage? You’re not in pain somewhere?’’

 

Lexa shook her head. ‘’I’m way better than a few weeks ago. The doctors couldn’t explain why I suddenly remembered things again. They went with: you hit your head good.’’ Lexa let out a little laugh and then turned to me.

 

I stared at her lips and quickly leaned in to kiss her. She seemed like her old self again and I could finally enjoy this moment. I wasn’t that confused than I was before. Our lips felt like magnets. I didn’t give her time to catch her breath and I kept sucking her bottom lip hard until Anya cleared her throat.

 

Lexa broke the kiss and laughed a little.

 

‘’I have to go. I want to be alone right now.’’ Anya said calm and Lexa and I stood up with effort.

 

We noticed Lexa was definitely in pain. She reached to her stomach and her leg wasn’t working with her either.

 

She stood still in front of Anya again. ‘’I know it’s a lot to ask for you to forgive me-‘’

 

Anya nodded. ‘’I forgive you because I know it wasn’t you. But you do have to make it up to me. To all of us.’’

 

Lexa nodded understandably.

 

‘’And I don’t regret punching you.’’ Anya added.

 

Lexa let out a silent laugh.

 

‘’Got it.’’ Lexa said and Anya looked at me stand behind Lexa.

 

‘’But I mean it, I do need some time to get used to this and I believe Clarke does too.’’ She said.

 

I walked up to Lexa and stood right next to her while they watched me. I just nodded and smiled a little.

 

‘’She’s right.’’ I did need some time to get used to this too. But if that was going to be the only problem, I shouldn’t have to worry. I didn’t want to wait any longer if I knew Lexa was just like she used to be before the accident.

 

Anya hugged Lexa and then me once last time and left. I saw Raven and Octavia waited for her in the car all this time and got out to meet Anya midway.

 

Just when I wanted to close the door, Raven and Octavia walked up to our front door. I kept the door open for her and Raven met us with a usual happy smile and hugged Lexa carefully for two seconds.

 

‘’Glad you’re back, Woods.’’

 

Lexa nodded once and smiled. ‘’Good to see you too, Reyes.’’ She said which made even me smile.

 

Octavia was next to hug her. ‘’Good to have you back. You okay?’’

 

Lexa nodded once. ‘’I’m okay.’’

 

‘’We’ll text you guys tomorrow, okay?’’ Raven said.

 

‘’Yeah, of course.’’ I said and watched them leave.

 

I closed the door and Lexa was resting her back against the wall and I could see she was holding in her pain. I frowned and put my arm around her waist to slowly lead her to the couch and we both sat down.

 

I stroke her hair out of her face and I received a smile from her.

 

‘’Are we good? Or is that too soon?’’ She said in a soft and low voice.

 

I smiled and nodded. ‘’We’re good.’’

 

‘’But you need some time?’’

 

‘’Lexa, I just want you. I don’t care about time.’’

 

Lexa nodded. ‘’So, you’re not seeing anybody else at the moment?’’ She carefully asked.

 

I gave her a smile and shook my head. Thank god Bellamy broke my heart last week.

 

Lexa’s smile widened and happily connected our lips.

 

I let out a happy sigh and took my time to taste her lips after all this time, deepening the kiss every time a bit more. The empty gap I was feeling inside of me for a long time was finally being filled up with just her presence.

 

Lexa placed her hands on my cheeks and the sounds of our lips were making filled the room, sounding wet and sloppy.

 

But I couldn’t care about anything else right now than her.

 

She broke the kiss and reached for her stomach again.

 

‘’You okay?’’ I asked worried.

 

Lexa nodded and smiled.

 

‘’I’m great.’’

 

I laughed a bit and bit my lip.

 

‘’I mean are you in pai-‘’

 

‘’You look so beautiful.’’ She interrupted.

 

I smiled wide and it felt like my heart was almost pounding out of my chest. I shyly looked down. I looked stupid.

 

Lexa let out an almost silent laugh.

 

‘’So, you’re not in pain?’’ I asked, smiling a little.

 

Lexa laughed. ‘’My leg and stomach hurts, yes.’’

 

‘’Can I see?’’ I pointed at her stomach.

 

Lexa doubted but then nodded.

 

I carefully removed her shirt which only left her in her bra and bandage around her stomach.

 

‘’When did they change this?’’

 

‘’The bandage? A few days ago.’’

 

I nodded and stood up to grab new bandage to change it myself.

 

Lexa raised her eyebrows.

 

‘’A doctor is always prepared.’’ I told her.

 

I carefully removed the bandage and I could still see some blood on it. My eyes widened at seeing the wound.

 

The cut was stitched up and pretty large. I carefully caressed the skin around the wound and Lexa shivered at the contact.

 

‘’How many stitches?’’ I asked.

 

‘’18.’’

 

‘’That’s not nothing.’’

 

Lexa looked up at me and smiled a little. ‘’I’m okay.’’

 

I shook my head and smiled. How was she able to remain so positive after everything? I couldn’t help but kiss her on the lips.

 

‘’It’s okay if you’re not.’’ I told her.

 

Lexa looked at me in what seemed to be admiration and gave me a grin.

 

‘’I would let it rest from here. It heals sooner if you don’t cover it with bandage after being stitched up.’’

 

Lexa was still looking at me. ‘’Thank god you’re such a good doctor.’’

 

I laughed. ‘’What about your leg?’’

 

Lexa shrugged. ‘’Burned it. And I’ve torn my muscle.’’

 

I nodded worriedly. ‘’I could undo it for you after a while?’’ Lexa nodded and then I stood up to put the bandage back. I felt Lexa’s eyes following me even though I couldn’t see her.

 

‘’Could you get me some water please?’’ Lexa asked when I was in the kitchen.

 

‘’Yeah of course.’’ I did as she asked me and when I came back, Lexa was struggling to get down on her knees on the floor.

 

‘’What are you doing?’’ I asked as I walked up to her.

 

I wanted to try and help her up but she stopped me. I put down the glass of water and got on the floor with her.

 

‘’What are you doing?’’ I repeated.

 

‘’Shhh.’’

 

She tried to stand on one knee but failed miserably. Her leg was hurting too much.

 

‘’Lexa-‘’

 

‘’Clarke I’m trying something here.’’

 

I frowned and kept looking at how much in pain she was. She tried again but failed like before.

 

‘’Nope, that’s it. You’re gonna hurt yourself.’’ I grabbed her arms and pulled her up.

 

‘’Clarke no.’’

 

‘’Clarke yes.’’

 

‘’Clarke I’m trying to-‘’

 

‘’Lexa no.’’

 

‘’I’m trying to propose here.’’

 

She raised her voice and I could see she didn’t want to say it. I already had her up with me on the couch.

 

‘’What?’’ I asked quietly.

 

Lexa let out a sigh. ‘’Now I have to do it from the couch. Incredibly romantic.’’

 

I laughed a little. To me it already felt like we would get married someday. Even after everything that happened. It just felt like we left off exactly where we were last time before the first accident.

 

‘’Baby-‘’ I started but Lexa didn’t let me finish.

 

‘’I don’t have the ring because I was hoping you would still have it. And if not, I’ll buy you a new one I promise. I don’t know if this is the right thing to do but you said you didn’t care about time and I just really want to spend my life with you and I really, really hope-‘’

 

‘’Yes.’’ I quickly said.

 

Lexa stopped talking and looked at me in awe.

 

‘’You don’t have to propose to me again. The answer will always be yes.’’

 

Lexa’s smile grew wider every second and then started laughing.

 

‘’So, we’re really good?’’ She asked.

 

I laughed. ‘’We’re good.’’

 

Lexa shook her head in disbelieve. ‘’Well then, happy birthday.’’

 

I almost forgot about that and laughed dumbly. She kissed me again.

 

‘’Thanks babe.’’ I laughed and then broke the kiss. ‘’Did you remember?’’

 

Lexa smiled. ‘’The happy birthday flags gave it away. I just noticed them. To be honest, I didn’t even know the time or date for today.’’

 

I nodded understandably.

 

‘’You still have the ring?’’ She asked.

 

I nodded. ‘’I almost sold it.’’

 

‘’Really?’’

 

‘’Yeah… It made me think too much about you.’’

 

‘’You thought about me?’’

 

I laughed. ‘’Is that so weird?’’

 

Lexa smiled and nodded. ‘’So, like, you haven’t been with anyone else when I wasn’t around?’’

 

I swallowed loudly.

 

‘’No, I have.’’

 

Lexa’s smile disappeared a little and nodded.

 

‘’Okay. With who?’’

 

I cleared my throat. ‘’Erm. You really want to know?’’

 

Lexa closed her eyes and shook her head. ‘’No, but I want you to tell me anyway.’’

 

‘’Bellamy.’’

 

Lexa let out a sigh. ‘’Octavia’s brother?’’

 

I nodded.

 

‘’When? Why?’’

 

‘’Okay, I’m uncomfortable.’’ I said.

 

Lexa gave me a sweet grin.

 

‘’You can’t just tell me?’’

 

I sighed. ‘’It’s not gonna make any difference if you know, but I’ll tell you what you want to know.’’

 

Lexa nodded. ‘’When? Why did you break up?’’

 

I sighed again. ‘’I was in a pretty dark place after you left and he was there for me, you know? We were together for a few months until he cheated on me, which was literally one week ago.’’

 

‘’One week?’’ Lexa said out of shock. ‘’So he hurt you?’’

 

I shrugged. ‘’He was just something to take away the pain. So I didn’t feel alone anymore, you know? At that moment I thought I was in love. But I never loved him if that’s what you’re worried about.’’

 

Lexa nodded and sighed out of relieve. ‘’Just Bellamy then?’’

 

I nodded and smiled. ‘’Which was more than enough.’’

 

Lexa smiled and pecked my lips again. I was loving it.

 

‘’I won’t blame you for that. I have no right.’’

 

I nodded. ‘’Have you been with anyone else?’’

 

Lexa laughed. ‘’I had no time.’’

 

I raised my eyebrows.

 

‘’And I didn’t want to?’’ Lexa struggled.

 

I laughed. ‘’It’s fine, I get it. Couldn’t blame you either.’’

 

Lexa let out a happy sigh and locked our eyes.

 

‘’Can you imagine never having to worry about that anymore?’’

 

I smiled. ‘’I could.’’

 

‘’Me too.’’ She put her arms around me and kissed my left cheek.

 

‘’I love you so much.’’ She whispered.

 

‘’I love you, too.’’

 

I exhaled deeply and being wrapped up in her arms made all my worries from the last few years go away.

 

 

\----

 

 

I couldn’t remember the last time I had slept so deliciously good. Lexa and I woke up a few times in the middle of the night because Lexa’s stomach or leg hurt, but I didn’t mind. She was right next to me and that’s all that mattered. I gave her some medicine against the pain this morning. She didn’t want any last night, but this morning the pain was killing her. Also I called in sick this morning at work. Just for today I told myself…

 

‘’I still don’t know how you got here.’’ I was tangled up in Lexa’s arms in bed, my head rested against her chest.

 

Lexa smiled. ‘’I just said: Guys let me go, I have to go get the love of my life back.’’

 

I snorted and lightly hit her chest with my head. ‘’Asskisser.’’

 

Lexa let out a laugh and kissed my head. ‘’What? No…’’ Lexa said in a high pitched voice.

 

‘’But seriously, when I woke up I did beg them to call you. I didn’t fill in your number though beforehand so they could call you. That’s why they didn’t.’’

 

I nodded into her chest.

 

‘’I just got on the first plane I could and I remembered the way back home. Weird, right?’’

 

I hummed and nodded in peace.

 

Lexa let out a sigh and we remained silent for a good five minutes.

 

‘’What do you want to do today?’’ I asked her.

 

‘’This is not an option?’’

 

I chuckled.

 

She sighed again. ‘’I don’t know. You think Anya would be okay if we’d want to see her?’’

 

‘’You should call her. Use my phone.’’

 

Lexa nodded and got out of bed to grab my phone and call her.

 

‘’Hey Raven, How are you? Is Anya there? She’s not?’’

 

Pause.

 

‘’Oh alright. You think Clarke and I could come over a little while later? Sure, we don’t mind Octavia and Lincoln being there as well. Alright we’ll see you later.’’

 

‘’That was quick.’’ I said.

 

Lexa nodded. She stood there for a while against the wall and then smiled wide.

 

‘’What?’’ I asked.

 

‘’I can’t shower on my own.’’ She raised her eyebrows questionably.

 

I smiled and got out of bed. ‘’Should I hire a nanny for you?’’

 

Lexa widened her eyes and shook her head.

 

I laughed. ‘’I’m kidding, c’mere.’’ I helped her walk into the bathroom and went to stand behind her. I started to undress her carefully. First her shirt and her bra. I caressed her back and shoulder and placed a kiss in her neck. I kept caressing her back and shoulders as I ran down a few bruises with my fingers. I held her in balance by wrapping my arms around her and rested my head against her back. I placed a few other kisses on her shoulder this time. Lexa placed her arms on mine and caressed them.

 

We stood there for a short minute, me placing kisses on her back so now and then.

 

Then I moved my arms to her pants and pulled them down. Carefully down her bandage on her leg.

 

It revealed another few bruises. I pulled off her boxers at last and helped her sit on the bath.

 

‘’The bandage can’t get wet, can it?’’ Lexa asked.

 

Before answering I admired her sitting on the bathtub without clothes on.

 

Then I shook my head. ‘’I could undo it for you now.’’

 

Lexa nodded and smiled. I got down on my knees and carefully undid it as Lexa was holding herself in from not screaming. It was a large wound as well with blisters everywhere. It didn’t look that well and I felt terrible for what she was going through. I looked up at Lexa who was frowning at me in pain.

 

‘’Sorry.’’

 

Lexa shook her head. ‘’it’s alright.’’

 

Then I got up and removed my tank top. Lexa then struggled to get up and did the same with me as I did to her. She undid my bra and placed kisses in my neck. Because she was a little bit taller, she could reach more of my neck.

 

I accidentally let out a shaky moan and Lexa smiled. She also pulled off my shorts and underwear and wrapped her arms around me, leaving a little bit of distance between us. I guessed it was because of her wound on her stomach.

 

She placed a wet kiss on my shoulder and whispered in my ear.

 

‘’I wish I could do certain things to you right now, but I’m afraid I won’t be able to persist my pain.’’

 

I smiled and carefully closed the gap between us by taking a step back. When my skin was completely connected to hers she let out a sigh.

 

She didn’t seem to mind though and placed another kiss right next my ear.

 

‘’It’s okay. You can barely stand.’’ I said.

 

She exhaled into my neck and I closed my eyes for a moment.

 

‘’Let’s shower?’’ She said after a moment.

 

I nodded.

 

I was the first one to get into the shower and helped Lexa to get in as well. She rested her body against the wall as I washed her hair and body with soap. I left a few kisses here and there and I received a smile every time I did.

 

After we both showered we got dressed and ate something.

 

‘’Should I wear my engagement ring?’’ I asked Lexa.

 

Lexa smiled. ‘’Yeah. I proposed to you in the most wonderful way last night, remember?’’

 

I smiled and gave her a quick peck on the lips. I couldn’t help but do that constantly. Maybe because I remember what it’s like to want it but not being able to do it.

 

I put on my engagement ring (which I got way too excited about) and drove us to Anya and Raven’s place. We got a warm welcome from Raven who opened the door and let us in. We greeted Octavia and Lincoln and then walked over to Anya who was grabbing something in the kitchen.

 

Anya immediately smiled when she saw us and came to hug Lexa first.

 

‘’Ow.’’ Lexa said after Anya held her too tight.

 

Anya took a step back and raised an eyebrow. ‘’My love for you hurts?’’ She joked.

 

Lexa laughed. ‘’You love me?’’

 

Anya laughed a little. ‘’Sorry.’’ Anya came to hug me as well.

 

Either she was in a scary happy mood or she had really forgiven Lexa at night. I wasn’t quite sure.

 

We sat down by the rest and Octavia gasped.

 

I saw she pointed at my hand.

 

‘’Okay what happened last night when we were gone?’’ She asked.

 

‘’I don’t want to know.’’ Raven said and then she noticed Octavia was talking about the ring.

 

She gasped as well. ‘’Oh my god are you engaged again?’’

 

I looked at Lexa who had the biggest smile on her face.

 

‘’Yeah, we are.’’ I said laughing and they all went to congratulate us again.

 

‘’Wow, that’s really fast, isn’t it?’’ Anya said. There went away her good mood I guess. ‘’I mean, you’re not the same person as you were two years ago.’’

 

Everyone remained silent.

 

‘’I mean… That came out wrong. I’m happy for you two. I am. I’m just tired of you hurting each other.’’

 

Lexa nodded. ‘’I think we’ll be fine. Thanks An.’’

 

Anya nodded and smiled. ‘’Well, let’s celebrate then.’’ She raised her glass and we all toasted. I pecked Lexa’s lips twice before we toasted and she let out a happy sigh.

 

We had a great time together and I felt complete again since a very long time. I felt like my complete self again. We drank something, ate something, we laughed about weird memories we had together. I could feel everyone’s happiness.

 

I stood up to go to the kitchen to refill my glass when I noticed Octavia following me.

 

‘’You guys good?’’ She asked.

 

I nodded. ‘’Why?’’

 

Octavia shrugged. ‘’Just like that?’’

 

‘’We had a good talk last night.’’

 

Octavia sighed. I really didn’t see the problem here.

 

‘’You don’t agree with our decision.’’

 

‘’I do. I’m happy for you, but engaged? Already?’’

 

‘’You can’t just be happy for us without having doubts?’’

 

Octavia gave me a grin.

 

‘’No.’’

 

Loud and clear.

 

‘’Okay…’’ I said.

 

‘’I would be lying if I wouldn’t have any doubts, Clarke. We all saw how devastated you were after she left you. I haven’t seen you happy in months.’’

 

I scoffed. ‘’You want Bells and me to get back together or something again?’’ I was starting to lose my patience.

 

‘’God no. My brother was stupid to let you go. But so was Lexa. Why can’t you forgive him the way you forgive Lexa?’’

 

At this moment Anya came into the kitchen as well and I was prepared to blow fire from out of my nose. I was that furious.

 

‘’Hey gals. You coming?’’ Anya said normally.

 

‘’Yeah.’’ I said and walked away to the living room again. I sat down next to Lexa who greeted me with a happy smile.

 

I couldn’t help but smile back, even though Octavia’s words were still on my mind.

 

‘’Where’s O?’’ Lincoln asked.

 

At this moment Octavia walked from the kitchen to Lincoln and sat down.

 

‘’There you are. You want to leave?’’ Lincoln asked.

 

Octavia nodded. ‘’Sure. Hey, guys. Don’t forget dinner tonight.’’

 

We all looked confused.

 

‘’Dinner?’’ Octavia raised an eyebrow. ‘’For Bells surprise party?’’

 

We all gasped and nodded.

 

‘’That’s tonight.’’ Raven remembered.

 

Octavia laughed. ‘’The surprise was meant for Bellamy, not for you guys.’’

 

That’s why she started talking about Bellamy in the kitchen. She wanted me to come as well and celebrate his new job.

 

‘’Oh and Lexa, you’re invited too of course. We’ll arrange something.’’ Octavia said.

 

Lexa nodded awkwardly. ‘’Thanks.’’

 

I looked at her and she tried to give me a sincere smile. I really, really didn’t want to go.

 

\----

 

We went to Bellamy’s surprise party. Crap.

 

The moment he saw us he all greeted us happily, except for Lexa and me. His girlfriend Gina was here, too. He did greet her happily with a kiss.

 

I sat next to Octavia and Lexa at the table. I was in a heated conversation with Jasper about our favorite subject: food.

 

Jasper told me his opinion about the French kitchen when I felt Lexa’s hand intertwine our fingers in my lap. My first reaction was to look at her and I did, but she was talking to Raven. I smiled and heard Jasper call me.

 

‘’Earth to Clarke. I was telling you about my passion.’’

 

‘’Sorry.’’ I laughed. ‘’I disagree.’’

 

‘’You didn’t even hear what I said.’’

 

‘’Doesn’t matter. We always disagree.’’ I took out my tongue playfully and Jasper laughed.

 

‘’That’s true.’’

 

When our food came, Lexa let my hand go and we started eating.

 

I stared at her while she was eating and I smiled. I still couldn’t believe she was finally here.

 

We drank and ate our food and after we went to Bellamy’s apartment to celebrate further.

 

I was standing with Anya and Raven right next to a table. I went to get us some drinks when I saw Bellamy had the same idea. I sighed and rolled my eyes.

 

‘’Hey. Thanks for coming.’’ Bellamy said.

 

I gave him a grin. ‘’Thanks for inviting me.’’

 

‘’I didn’t.’’ He smiled. ‘’But I would’ve done it anyway if I knew about this party.’’

 

I shook my head, laughing.

 

‘’So Lexa’s finally back, huh?’’

 

I nodded.

 

‘’Does she know about us?’’

 

I nodded again.

 

‘’Should I be worried for getting killed in my sleep?’’

 

I waited but then nodded.

 

Bellamy smiled. ‘’Great.’’

 

‘’Kidding. So Gina’s finally here.’’

 

Bellamy nodded and smiled. ‘’I really like her, but I have to admit that I liked you more.’’

 

He was probably a few drinks in and nodded. ‘’Yeah, it showed.’’

 

Bellamy let out a laugh. ‘’She’s cool, too.’’

 

Asshole.

 

I grabbed the drinks and went back to where I came from.

 

Lexa placed a kiss on my forehead and grabbed her drink. ‘’Thanks babe.’’

 

I gave her a grin.

 

‘’What was that about by the way?’’ She asked.

 

‘’What? Bellamy?’’

 

Lexa nodded and took a sip from her drink.

 

‘’Nothing much. He told me thanks for coming.’’

 

Lexa nodded.

 

At this moment Gina walked towards us and pushed Lexa away a little to stand in front of me. ‘’We need to talk.’’ She said.

 

Lexa lost balance because she didn’t expect to be pushed away and fell on the ground.

 

My eyes widened and my first reaction was to punch this bitch in the face, but I tried to help Lexa up first.

 

Everyone suddenly stood around us to help me but Lexa kept saying she couldn’t move and get up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter will be the final chapter for this story. I don't really know when I'm updating again but I'll try to do it this week!


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